1. Post #81
    Gold Member
    QuickSnapz's Avatar
    May 2009
    8,936 Posts
    Best guess is that D3's is Child Porn related

  2. Post #82

    September 2011
    20 Posts
    no, not really, you'll never guess.

    thats a hint

  3. Post #83
    HAND.CAT
    barttool's Avatar
    July 2010
    4,609 Posts
    Sup Bropunch,
    So I have a twin sister and at the time of these events we were around 14. It was late in the afternoon and our parents weren't home. This afternoon it was extremely hot and the air conditioning was out and we were both covered in sweat. She was eating some watermelon our mother had sliced earlier. So I decided it was time to make my move. While she was watching television I approached her and began hugging her. She expected this from me and thought nothing of it.

    As I continued my onslaught, I did more provocative things such as caressing her small breasts. (I personally found her covered in sweat arousing and began licking her profusely.) Eventually she started resisting, so I decided to bind her. At this point she began crying and asking what I was going to do. I took her to my room and removed her clothes. I decided to explain to her that I was going to have my way with her. As she started crying, I started raping her. After a couple minutes I became slightly bored. So I decided to eat some of the leftover watermelon. My sister, still bound, asked if she could had some. Unfortunately I had finished the last bite of watermelon. However there was still some juice on my hands, so I lubed my penis with the juice and said "There's still some watermelon, on my penis". You can pretty much guess what happened there. After these events and I had untied her. She asked me if we could do it again sometime.

    What do I do Facepunch?

    This sounds like a script for an incestous ebony porn movie.

    Eitherway, I have the weirdest boner right now.

    Edited:

    i got no problems if anybody recognises mine. this account will get banned in a few hours or something though, thats my plan
    Oh god, will this thread turn into a ban me thread?
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  4. Post #84
    Sup Bropunch,
    So I have a twin sister and at the time of these events we were around 14. It was late in the afternoon and our parents weren't home. This afternoon it was extremely hot and the air conditioning was out and we were both covered in sweat. She was eating some watermelon our mother had sliced earlier. So I decided it was time to make my move. While she was watching television I approached her and began hugging her. She expected this from me and thought nothing of it.

    As I continued my onslaught, I did more provocative things such as caressing her small breasts. (I personally found her covered in sweat arousing and began licking her profusely.) Eventually she started resisting, so I decided to bind her. At this point she began crying and asking what I was going to do. I took her to my room and removed her clothes. I decided to explain to her that I was going to have my way with her. As she started crying, I started raping her. After a couple minutes I became slightly bored. So I decided to eat some of the leftover watermelon. My sister, still bound, asked if she could had some. Unfortunately I had finished the last bite of watermelon. However there was still some juice on my hands, so I lubed my penis with the juice and said "There's still some watermelon, on my penis". You can pretty much guess what happened there. After these events and I had untied her. She asked me if we could do it again sometime.

    What do I do Facepunch?
    somehow I suspect that some of this may not be true
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  5. Post #85
    fskman's Avatar
    November 2009
    2,042 Posts
    i got no problems if anybody recognises mine. this account will get banned in a few hours or something though, thats my plan
    goddamnit jimmy, think this through!!!
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  6. Post #86
    Meow :3
    Ac!dL3ak's Avatar
    July 2005
    6,087 Posts
    Do any of you guys understand the term "Anonymous"
    i didn't really
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  7. Post #87
    imasillypiggy's Avatar
    December 2009
    8,851 Posts
    If you know someone who has a fat girlfriend or whatever, realize how horrible that man is
    I had a fat girlfriend but only for a week. Some of them know how to hide there fat in clothes though so I didn't really know until she stretched revealing her rolls.
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  8. Post #88
    I LOVE NAZIS
    JimmyA's Avatar
    June 2011
    4,517 Posts
    goddamnit jimmy, think this through!!!
    motherfucker i am thinking
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  9. Post #89
    This title has been removed due to a copyright claim from Viacom Inc.
    neos300's Avatar
    July 2008
    3,489 Posts
    Retyped mine up and sent it in, maybe this anonymouse mailer will work.
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  10. Post #90
    Sup Bropunch,
    So I have a twin sister and at the time of these events we were around 14. It was late in the afternoon and our parents weren't home. This afternoon it was extremely hot and the air conditioning was out and we were both covered in sweat. She was eating some watermelon our mother had sliced earlier. So I decided it was time to make my move. While she was watching television I approached her and began hugging her. She expected this from me and thought nothing of it.

    As I continued my onslaught, I did more provocative things such as caressing her small breasts. (I personally found her covered in sweat arousing and began licking her profusely.) Eventually she started resisting, so I decided to bind her. At this point she began crying and asking what I was going to do. I took her to my room and removed her clothes. I decided to explain to her that I was going to have my way with her. As she started crying, I started raping her. After a couple minutes I became slightly bored. So I decided to eat some of the leftover watermelon. My sister, still bound, asked if she could had some. Unfortunately I had finished the last bite of watermelon. However there was still some juice on my hands, so I lubed my penis with the juice and said "There's still some watermelon, on my penis". You can pretty much guess what happened there. After these events and I had untied her. She asked me if we could do it again sometime.

    What do I do Facepunch?
    Why do I have the strange feeling this is referencing something?
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  11. Post #91
    Gold Member
    Dennab
    May 2009
    3,379 Posts
    Sup Bropunch,
    So I have a twin sister and at the time of these events we were around 14. It was late in the afternoon and our parents weren't home. This afternoon it was extremely hot and the air conditioning was out and we were both covered in sweat. She was eating some watermelon our mother had sliced earlier. So I decided it was time to make my move. While she was watching television I approached her and began hugging her. She expected this from me and thought nothing of it.

    As I continued my onslaught, I did more provocative things such as caressing her small breasts. (I personally found her covered in sweat arousing and began licking her profusely.) Eventually she started resisting, so I decided to bind her. At this point she began crying and asking what I was going to do. I took her to my room and removed her clothes. I decided to explain to her that I was going to have my way with her. As she started crying, I started raping her. After a couple minutes I became slightly bored. So I decided to eat some of the leftover watermelon. My sister, still bound, asked if she could had some. Unfortunately I had finished the last bite of watermelon. However there was still some juice on my hands, so I lubed my penis with the juice and said "There's still some watermelon, on my penis". You can pretty much guess what happened there. After these events and I had untied her. She asked me if we could do it again sometime.

    What do I do Facepunch?
    I wish this were true and it happened to me...

    It would be so cool.. I mean watermelon tastes really good if you get the chance to eat some.
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  12. Post #92
    cdr248's Avatar
    August 2009
    9,685 Posts
    Raping your twin sister? I don't think so.
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  13. Post #93
    Gold Member
    Cone's Avatar
    August 2011
    19,165 Posts
    I wish this were true and it happened to me...

    It would be so cool..
    Yeah.

    I wish I had some watermelon too.
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  14. Post #94
    Gold Member
    Evilan's Avatar
    February 2009
    3,831 Posts
    This is what I read when I woke up this morning. I couldn't stop laughing for 10 minutes.
    Oh god, I recognize that Fat Girl story from a mile away. MaverickIB has an alt account.
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  15. Post #95
    Oh god, I recognize that Fat Girl story from a mile away. MaverickIB has an alt account.
    Oh god, it was Maverick that did that?
    That is literally so great
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  16. Post #96
    Gold Member
    Contag's Avatar
    July 2010
    11,827 Posts
    Who else says 'cool beans'?
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  17. Post #97
    Gold Member
    Evilan's Avatar
    February 2009
    3,831 Posts
    Who else says 'cool beans'?
    Cool Beans with jazz hands.
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  18. Post #98
    Gold Member
    Greenen72's Avatar
    September 2009
    8,743 Posts
    I'm going to go ahead and call fake on the twin sister and watermelon, but 8.5 overalls on keeping my attention
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  19. Post #99
    Goodthief's Avatar
    December 2009
    5,967 Posts
    Who else says 'cool beans'?
    me

    and I also say "bt dubbs"
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  20. Post #100
    Gold Member
    Mlisen14's Avatar
    September 2008
    3,899 Posts
    Oh god, I recognize that Fat Girl story from a mile away. MaverickIB has an alt account.
    When you're as awesome as me, a lot of people grow to hate you. It's all cool beans though, they're all faggots anyways
    Or an elaborate troll?
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  21. Post #101

    September 2011
    20 Posts
    Yeah.

    I wish I had some watermelon too.
    i have some, it's on my
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  22. Post #102
    The BoxDog's Avatar
    March 2009
    5,365 Posts
    I miss this thread.
    I miss hezzy too.
    Op, don't get banned.
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  23. Post #103
    Gold Member
    Bomber9900's Avatar
    December 2008
    2,848 Posts
    This isn't really a crazy confession, just my coming of age adventures I guess. Up to until about a year and a few months ago, I was just like any average FP user. Depressed, lonely, sat around and did nothing all day. I got into the military and a lot changed for me (I'm not saying go out and join the military because there's more to it then just this) . All of this social structure bs is broken down because providing you're the same rank, no ones really any better than anyone. I got more confident around people, and as I went through training I did a lot of cool shit, especially outside of training. I was going out drinking and having a really good time just with whoever was around, like every teenager/young adult should experience. Like I said, I was the quiet kid that didn't really have too many friends and didn't really hang out with people so with all these new experiences, I felt like I was on top of the world. It all goes into the whole brotherhood thing but that's a different story.
    Fort Leonardwood, MO was where It really kicked off. I had just got out of combat training in South Carolina and we were supposed to fly straight to our seprate MOS school's (mine, FT Leonardwood), but we had an extra night "technically". One of my friends who was going to the same MOS as me was talking to some of his other buddies, and they got the idea of spending the night at St. Louis and asked me f I was in. I didn't really want to get in trouble, but I figured, "hell, you only live once" and went along. We got 2 rooms at a pretty nice hotel smack dab in the middle of St. Louis. The first thing we did was buy a bunch of beer. I was still kind of tense because I didn't really know the guys I was hanging out with besides my buddy I mentioned before, but we all know what beer does and after a few I just felt so comfortable with talking to any of them and just joking around, but anyway, after we were all pretty buzzed, we left the room and were just kind of walking around the city. Our orignial plan was we were going to find a club to go to (not really my thing, but i just went with it) Needless to say, we never made it (I don't remember why) so we ended up just chilling out and getting some food at a sports bar. After we left we were again, wondering around and ended up in a hooka bar. Half of the guys wanted to go find some girls to fuck ,and the other half of us wanted to just stay where we were at and enjoy ourselves. Our little group parted ways and was going to meet back up at the hotel at whenever. I ended up staying at the hooka bar with my friend, and this guy Brockferd. We got bored after a while and we were just talking about what our next move would be when my devil horns came out. I was a virgin at the time, and I never saw a pair of tits that weren't redered by my computer screen, and I was/am a huge pervert and I remembered one of the guys mentioning something about a strip club so I just kind of brought it up. "You guys want to go to a strip club?". They looked at me then at each other and we all smiled and shook our heads. We called a cab and hopped in. He was a pretty cool guy, and he was just bullshitting with us about strip clubs in the area. The hole cab ride my heart was beating like crazy. I was super nervous. I wasn't getting laid, but I was finally going to see some real tits. We pulled up to the club. It was about 9:30 at night by this point and pink neon lights were the only thing lighting up the club and parking lot (it was kind of tucked away) At this point my heart was beating out of my chest. Just then the cab driver realized they might only be 21 and over so my buddy Roberts went inside to check it out. Me and Brockferd sat in the cab and waited. After a few minutes, Roberts came back out and said they're olny 21 and over FFFFUUUUUUUUU- I thought in my head, but the cab driver said he's not giving up yet. He knew we were all in the millitary and wanted us to have a good time (that, and he was making a killing in our cab fare)
    A few failed club attempts and heart attacks later, we find this kind of dumpy little club which I can't remember the name to. We get out while Roberts pulls his routine of checking it out while we waited and had to talk to some sketchball in the parking lot. He comes back and says "Yeah, we can get in". "Alright, this is it" I thought, and we walked inside. We come into a dimly lit room with lights here and there, and music pounding. I look forward and see a girl with her back to me sitting at the bar completely naked, except for a tiny silver thong. We pay to get in and had to buy these dorky ass shirts because we were under 21. My buddy Roberts walks toward the stripper at the bar and she turns around. I was playing it cool and trying not to just stare blankly at her tits like I just discovered the holy grail or something but in my head I was going wild. I got hot flashes and felt a little bit light headed. She had a really nice body. smooth creamy white skin, long legs, silver sparkley thong, hour glass shaped body, nice little handful sized tits with puffy nipples, and long smooth brown hair. She BS'd with Roberts for a bit, and I just kind of chilled and took everything in... that and a had a massive boner and didn't want anyone to notice by walking around. Roberts and Brockferd disappered into the club somewhere, and I realized I was alone. The girl from the bar ended up on the stage, and I just sort of slipped into a seat at the edge. I was the only one at that particular stage, so I ended up getting all of her focus. I looked up, and she looked at me and I gave her a timid smile, which she returned with an I'm going to rock your world smile. The first thing she does, is slides down to where I'm at and spreads her legs around my chair. I can see her body super close up at this point. He says the whole "hi, I'm X, what's your name?" "Alex" I tell her. She giggles and grabs my hand, and puts it on her leg. Her skin felt even smoother than it looked. She slowly slid my had up to her tit and let be feel her up. Then she slid my hand back down and put her feet up near her head, and pulled up her thong and started rubbing her clit about a foot away from my face. The rest of the night pretty much went like that with a few lap dances thrown in. it's all a blur now.

    I've got another story for this confession but this took me forever to write, so I'll put it in another post.

    Hope you enjoy'd the read


    TL;DR: I go to a saint louis and a strip club while in military training
    Big Dumb American?
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  24. Post #104
    looking rad, feeling sad
    Slowbro's Avatar
    April 2011
    4,406 Posts
    the aim of this thread is not to try and guess who confessed what
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  25. Post #105
    Gold Member
    acds's Avatar
    October 2008
    14,984 Posts
    Nothing terribly weird. I can't watch guy on girl porn. I don't like how whoever*handles*the camera is always like "LOOK AT HIS PENIS! LOOOOOOK! DON'T LOOK AT THE GIRL FUCK OFF!"

    So lesbian porn it is.
    I know that feel bro.
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  26. Post #106
    Gold Member
    QuickSnapz's Avatar
    May 2009
    8,936 Posts
    Then OP forgot about us
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  27. Post #107
    Gold Member
    Sir Whoopsalot's Avatar
    August 2010
    23,092 Posts
    Or an elaborate troll?
    If it's really Maverick, nope.
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  28. Post #108
    Gold Member
    FFStudios's Avatar
    August 2008
    10,284 Posts
    maybe cut the shit with the "hurr facepunch can answer this for you" because i want to hear some hilarious retrospect on the submissions
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  29. Post #109
    Gold Member
    QuickSnapz's Avatar
    May 2009
    8,936 Posts
    I know that feel bro.
    Weird, I'm the opposite. I don't find lesbian attractive at all
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  30. Post #110
    Mattyyyy's Avatar
    June 2010
    2,703 Posts
    Weird, I'm the opposite. I don't find lesbian attractive at all
    http://i.imgur.com/uVL4W.jpg
    http://www.shooshshare.com/upload/20...1316465850.gif
    http://www.i-freeimage.com/images.php/i2291_mfuck.jpg

    you sure?

    Edited:

    if you don't find those attractive, there's something wrong with you


    linked because nsfw
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  31. Post #111
    Gold Member
    QuickSnapz's Avatar
    May 2009
    8,936 Posts
    Only thing attractive is the ass
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  32. Post #112
    Gold Member
    OogalaBoogal's Avatar
    November 2008
    4,082 Posts
    maybe cut the shit with the "hurr facepunch can answer this for you" because i want to hear some hilarious retrospect on the submissions
    I only did that one! Content incoming!

    Edited:

    Top two are from the same poster!
    Me again, the guy from the fat girl story. Surprised nobody noticed who I was the second they read it, I guess I'm not as popular on FP as I thought, haha. Anyways, being banned means I need something to do, so I'm going to tell you another story. Keep in mind that these stories are 100 percent true, I couldn't make this shit up.

    This is the story about how I almost got raped by a gorilla.


    It all started exactly like the fat girl story. Was looking for a party, couldn't find one for the life of me. This was after the whole fat girl escapade so I considered big girls to be my mortal enemies at this point in time. Still do. Exhausted every single option, so I went on facebook and threw down the generic "Looking for something to do tonight," status. These rarely ever work unless you're a hot girl, but it was worth a shot.

    A hambeast messages me. This girl wasn't a chubster like the girl in the other story, this girl was a mountain of human flesh. The only reason why I had her added on facebook is because her friends are hot as fucking shit. Seriously, she has some retardedly fine friends that I would do horrible things just to hear them fart through a walkie talkie. Sometimes you gotta bite the bullet and be nice to ugly girls because they almost always have friends who are 10 times hotter than them.

    She tells me they're having a little shindig at their place and were just going to have a girls drinking night, but I could go if I wanted to. Now, this wasn't strange at all, happens all the time. Despite being completely normal, my spidey sense was going fucking CRAZY. Like, it was just blowing up my brain screaming "YOU MIGHT DIE TONIGHT." But my spidey sense can't tell me exactly what is going to happen, it just lets me know bad shit is around the corner. Being a dumbass, I assumed that meant bad shit would happen if I stayed at the dorms. Everyone in my dorm was a druggie with their own personal meth labs, so police raided the place often. I figured that's why it was going off.

    Still, I'm a smart man. I made sure to clarify the details with the gorilla. Are her roommates going to be there? Anyone else coming along? You know, all of the questions someone would ask before voluntarily entering the vicinity of a 500lb hutt. It all checked out, so I decided to head over. A mile and a half or so later, I was at their dorm. It's one of those ones where you need to swipe a card to get in, so I shoot hambeast a text saying I was there.


    She comes out to let me in and she's all dressed up. This was strange, it was just going to be her and the roommates drinking. I expected her to be somewhat cleaned up because a dude is coming over, but this girl was all makeup-ed out like she was entering a drag queen competition. She probably would lose despite being female.
    Defcon 4.

    We enter the dorm and a lot of sirens instantly go off. No other females to be seen or heard, the place is completely empty. I ask her where the girls are and she goes "Uhhhhhh, they went to go get alcohol." Spidey sense blows up like the fourth of July. I begin to think I made a mistake.
    Defcon 3.

    She locks and deadbolts the door behind us.
    Defcon 2.

    Battle systems were powering on at this point. I still had no idea what was going to happen, but I was expecting the worse. I seriously expected her to come out of nowhere with an axe and try to kill me. At this point, she was my enemy, my fits were loaded and ready to punch her in her gorilla face if she so much as twitched. She requests I take a seat on the couch, I oblige but keep my eyes on her the whole time. Despite being a huge couch, she sits down right next to me.
    Defcon 1

    Words cannot describe how ready to do battle I was at this point. Have you ever pissed someone off or walked through a bad spot of town just knowing someone is going to attack you? That feeling where you're riled up and ridiculously tense, full of adrenaline, that's what I was going through. Her inching toward me on the couch was not helping, but I refused to take preemptive actions simply because I didn't feel like going to jail. I could be wrong, right?

    Nope.

    All I saw was a blur as she launched herself off the coach and onto my lap. One second she was next to me, the next I had 500lbs on my chest that was also sucking on my neck and face. I let loose a scream just like the Iron Giant does in the movie after he thinks Hogarth is dead and decided to rape everyone's shit.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wBlweHRITsA :43 in this clip.
    Somehow I managed to sit up with the hambeast still attached to me. To this day, I don't understand how I accomplished such a feat of raw strength. Her sheer weight made it impossible to hold on to me, so she let go and fell off. Oh, but I wasn't free quite yet. Before I could turn and run away, I felt a huge hand clamp down on my arm with the force of a thousand suns. The gorilla yelled "PLEASE DON'T GO, I NEED A BOYFRIEND,"
    I was an accomplished high school football player, so I did the hardest spin move I've ever done in my entire life.
    < actual recorded footage of me getting away.

    Before she could recover, I charged toward the door but couldn't open the fucking deadbolt. I could hear her getting close and closer, the vibrations from her footsteps being one of the most terrifying sounds I've ever heard. So I said "FUCK THAT," and shoulder slammed my way out the door, ripping the dead bolt off.

    I ran the entire mile and a half back to my dorm. Halfway there, I called my friend, scared the hambeast might catch me and kill me.

    "Are you running or something?"
    "YEAH... HAMBEAST... RAPE... OH GOD..."
    "Dude, come back to the dorm and smoke with us."
    "OKAY... BE THERE IN... 15 SECONDS..."

    When I say ran, I mean sprinted full-speed. I can't run a mile to save my life, never could, but I hauled ass like I was running the 100m dash the entire way back to the dorms. Adrenaline is one hell of a drug. Got back to the dorms and dove into my friend's car through the window, was too hopped up to bother opening the door. I don't smoke very often, but weed kept me from having a heart attack that night.


    Moral of the story: I always thought guys getting raped was a funny concept (hurr no such thing cause its not rape if you like it) but it can happen and it's fucking terrifying. Now I at least have an idea of how horrible it must be for women when they're put in the same situation.
    I've had a lot of encounters with whiskey dick. Often I'd be trying to hook up with a moderately attractive girl and my peepee would be too inebriated to stand up straight. Most of the time it was just fun, I'd crack up laughing and the girl would barge out all pissed off since she walked all the way over to my place for nothing.

    My penis has a sense of humor. This is a story about the sickest joke it has ever played on me.

    I am an individual driven by luck. I either get extremely lucky or extremely unlucky. For example, I was involved in an automobile accident a week or so ago. It was totally my fault, I have shit depth perception which caused me to pull out of my apartment complex and t-bone the fuck out of another car. To most people, this would be shit luck. However, since I'm retardedly lucky at times, the car sped off into the sunset. Seriously, it was like a hit-and-run but the person who got hit ran. I pulled into a nearby gas station and waited for 15 minutes, not a soul showed up. On top of that, my truck was just scratched on the front bumper a bit. That's some sick luck.

    What happened this particular night trumps that tenfold. Mortal men simply do not fall into situations like the one I fell into, it just doesn't happen in real life. At least not to anyone other than me.


    DOUBLE D-DAY -2
    I commented on a girl's facebook picture with a general "ur pretty lol" type comment and didn't think much of it. This girl is fucking hot. Beautiful in all ways with a massive set of cannons attached to her chest. The kind of girl I don't even bother talking to because there's no way in hell that fantasy would come true. Unknowingly, this comment put my foot in a door of epic proportions. She sort of started talking to me via facebook chat but since I was convinced it'd be stupid to even begin to get my hopes up, I was pretty dismissive of her. In retrospect, I realize I was accidentally doing the whole "ignore girls so they like you," crap. I've always hated pick-up tactics like that and whatnot but I was unknowingly doing it to this girl.


    DOUBLE D-DAY -1
    When you go to a party school like mine, you start planning days in advance. Arriving on a Friday/Saturday night with nothing set up is a horrible feeling. Virtually everyone is out doing their thing and having a good time already, makes even find out about parties, even from people who like you, impossible. Nobody answers their phone when they're tearing up a beer pong table. Therefore, you do what you can to figure out the weekend before the weekend shows up, so you don't get caught just playing with your dick all night. I was in the process of this on facebook (hurr whats going down this weekend durr) when gazongas girl messages me. Little party at her dorm tomorrow, don't bring any friends.

    At this point, it was a run. Had no idea I just made a grand slam.


    DOUBLE D-DAY
    I throw on my douchiest of apparel and make the short walk to her dorm. When she comes out to let me in, she's wearing a short halter style dress. Her mammary glands were fucking aching to get out of that dress. I knew I was in for a rough night because I was already fighting down a boner and I hadn't even drank anything yet (I get mad horny when alcohol is in my system). But things were about to get better. I walk into her suite-style dorm and hot girls are fucking EVERYWHERE. The entire place was filled with insanely hot broads, I knew I had to be dreaming. There was ONE other guy in the whole place and he was gay. Instantly I am filled with truckloads of confidence. There's a million girls here so I'm just going to start at the top and work my way down, even if I get with the least attractive one at the end of the night, she'd still be balls-to-the wall hot.

    The girl at the top was easily Ms. Gazongas. The whole night played through like I was a damn Casanova. Everything I said went over perfectly, they were all laughing, they all loved me. Then the night started winding down, girls started going home. Only boobie queen and I left. I don't even say anything to her, I just put my hand on the small of her back and guide her into the bedroom. She gets the idea and finally signs a treaty that allows her to show off her cannons. Those tits were absolutely perfect. I could not believe I was going to stick my penis in this girl. I get on top of her, ready to slip it in and...

    Nope.

    Looks like I forgot to invite my noodle to the party. It just sits there trying it's hardest (heh, hardest) to stand up, but I was thoroughly inebriated and my blood was too thin to let that happen. There was no way I was going to leave this place without fornicating with what is probably the hottest girl I'll ever get this far with in my life. So I grabbed my johnson at the base and squeezed that son of a bitch so it chubbed enough to go in the succulent strawberry vagoo that was ahead of me.

    I fucked a girl with a chubber. A noodle that wasn't raw but also hadn't been fully cooked so it wasn't entirely limp yet. The entire time, she had a "wow this sucks" look on her face and I knew it must have been really bad, haha. But I kept pounding away, determined to soak up every last minute of this once in a lifetime opportunity.


    DOUBLE D-DAY +1
    In the morning, I just get up and leave. No way I was going to look that girl in the eyes after laying on top of her for a few hours last night while operating a somewhat flaccid disco stick. Despite the absolutely horrible sex, I walked out of there like I was king of the world. It only saddened me when I realized she would never talk to me again after that (and she hasn't), but I figured it'd be a one-and-done deal from the get go.

    Best part about it all? I couldn't remember if I had put on a condom. Checked my wallet, still had a condom in it.
    Success.


    Walked the whole way back to my dorm like Peter Parker walks down the street after he goes emo in Spider-Man 3.


    Fun fact: This story should be new to pretty much everyone, I don't recall telling this story on FP before. Next up will probably be the one about how I came withing 1-2 inches of getting herpes. Until then, later, beta scrubs ;).
    First of all, I have no siblings. Anyways, this started almost.. 5 months ago, I'd say. I'm not exactly sure why I feel this way, but I constantly fantasize about having a sister who I'd be extremely close with. I occasionally fantasize about sexual encounters, but most of the time, they're fantasies about being close, snuggling, kissing, et cetera. I'd give anything to have such a thing come true, though it's never going to happen.
    That's right folks, you even get imaginary incest in this thread!

    I'm not sure why I'm writing this. Never hid it from you guys, but I guess this way I don't have to taste the rainbow.
    Well, I want to be a girl. Sort of, anyway. I'm in no rush to have my dick chopped off. But I want to live life as a girl. Guys clothes are just meh. Unless it's a suit it's pretty damn boring. Plus I just like feeling soft and feminine, and it gives me a sense of innocence.
    I even picked out a name. Decided to call myself Caroline (but pronounced Care-oh-lin instead of care-oh-line) in honor of Portal, and just cause the name sounds right.
    I guess maybe I'm writing this because I'm preparing to tell my Mom about this whole business. I plan typing and printing out a letter, putting the letter on her pillow, and going to a park to await her response. Yeah I know it's not super brave, but I just can't tell her face to face. I'll be a nervous, unhelpful wreck.
    Plus if she takes it bad and flips her shit, my ass can be long gone.
    Protip: That's a bad idea.

    Some background information, Higschool is build up into multiple ''levels'' of difficulty with different exams and certificates here, traditionally each of these levels ( about the American equalevent of grade 11+ )hosts their own party outside of school for their grade at the end of the year, where alcohol will flow and everyone is invited. Too bad my generation decided that only the ''funny poeple'' are good enough to be invited, and appearantly me and about the majority are not a funny enough. Shortly said I wasn't invited for our equalevent of the school prom.
    You should have just showed up, gotten all the ladies.

    Ever since I was a little kid I'd found it was easy to make friends with anyone. I don't know why but people saw the side of me I wanted them to, instead of what shows on the outside. But I could never accept people the way they had accepted me so easily. I often made friends with some one who disliked someone else I was good friends with, and at the time the logical thing to do was to reject the person they disliked.
    To this day I have lost at least 4 good friends because of this and it wasn't until I got older did I realize that it was a big mistake. I saw people come to my school that united groups who would have never been friends in the first place without them and I wonder if I could have done things like that if I had tried.
    Another thing is that after being friends with someone for awhile, I got sick of being around them and tried to make them hate me. This didn't work because they always wanted to stay friends with me regardless.
    I'm a bad person.
    We're all bad people. Not as bad as this guy though.
    Ok this is fairly similar to the first one posted in this thread but anyway... (this is quite a read i believe.... sorry)

    I am also a compulsive liar (seems fairly common on facepunch goddamn). And I am damn fucking good at it, seriously. About 18 months ago I signed up at my local gym and went for three weeks. I stopped after that (typical 'cba' attitude) but told all my friends that I still went. I told them that I took up boxing, they all believed (and still do) me. It scares me how well I can lie, and how easily I do it.

    Anyway so the focal point of this confession starts around March-time earlier this year. I had recently split up with a girl and was feeling fairly lowly (all my friends were hooking up with people, the girl that i split with also had a new fella) so I told them that I met a girl at the gym that I don't go to. This made up girl agreed to go on a date with me. She came to my house and met my parents, we had a lovely time. We went on two dates.

    Suddenly I felt awful about the whole thing, I felt like a massive wanker basically. So I decided to 'end it' between me and the girl. But I couldn't just end it, all my friends thought that we were really good together. So I said that the fake girl had seen a picture of me and the aforementioned ex and flipped out about how I was still friends with the ex and how guys can't be trusted around their ex's - basically I made her out to be slightly insane so that everyone would understand why I ended it.

    (Little interlude here just to say that nobody questioned whether or not this girl was real because I told them that she didn't want to meet my friends and I didn't want to meet hers.)

    And that was that, until Monday last week. Me and the original ex (we are actually really good friends, just so you know) were talking about things and she said that she wanted to explain to this fake girl how I'm a great guy and how I'm not the type of guy that cheats. So, the original ex asked me for her Facebook profile. I thought 'shit i can't just say no' and said that I'd look around for it again. While she waited, I created a new hotmail address and made a Facebook profile in the name of the fake girl. I set all the privacy settings to max, so unless you were her friend you wouldn't see the fact that she had only one friend, only one picture and never used the profile itself. The picture, by the way, I stole from jailbaitgallery.com. So I sent my ex the profile and she tried to add her as a friend (of course, the fake girl (me) didn't accept).

    After a couple days, the ex wanted her email address (I had said that I sent the fake girl some emails when we went out) so she could explain things. I sent it to her and she sent an email saying how great I am and how I would be really good with her, and how when we went out I didn't stop talking about her. So I figured fuck it, might as well toy with this situation. I sent her one back, telling the ex basically to fuck off, but the ex wouldn't quit and kept sending emails. So eventually I figured that I have to start responding to these emails, so I did. Basically, I invented a person and pretended to be her, for no particular reason.

    My ex 'patched things up' with the girl that I was pretending to be. My ex told me that the fake girl was going to talk to me on the Thursday that I was going to the gym that I don't go to. I of course already knew this because I had said that that was what was going to happen. My ex then sent me (the fake girl) an email asking what I was planning on doing at the gym. I told her that I was planning on bringing him back to my house and having sex with him, as an apology for being such a bitch. My ex believed this and told me. I feigned disbelief, like I couldn't believe that that was what was said.

    So Thursday rolls around and I just sit at my desk, listen to music and work. My ex rings me around 2pm-ish (I 'go to the gym' at around 8am). She asked me how it went. I told her that we got back to hers, got into the shower, she gave me a blowjob, I licked her out on her bed, and then I fucked her from behind. She, of course, believes me. She then tells her best friend who tells other people and other people and suddenly I'm this amazing sex god, known by my whole year at school. I'm not used to being known, I prefer to be hidden in the shadows.

    Anyway, me and the fake girl are going out on friday. And now I have NO FUCKING IDEA how to 'end it' this time. I cannot begin to explain how shitty I feel about this whole ordeal. I have considered telling the truth but nobody would ever speak to me again. I have fucked up so hard and it pisses me off because I know that it is all my fault and that I am such a fucking scumbag.

    Done.
    I attempted to suck my dick multiple times,however i am not flexible enough to actually do it.
    This isn't really a confession. I'm pretty sure most guys have tried this.

    Edited:

    I've got somewhere around 8 more to post, I'll post them in a bit.
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  33. Post #113
    homosensual
    fruityfruit's Avatar
    April 2010
    2,572 Posts
    My penis has a sense of humor.
    what
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  34. Post #114

    September 2011
    20 Posts
    Keep in mind that these stories are 100 percent true, I couldn't make this shit up.

    This is the story about how I almost got raped by a gorilla.


    (User was permabanned for this post ("Image macro. "this account will get banned in a few hours or something though, thats my plan "" - Orkel))
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  35. Post #115
    PIRATE METAL BASTARD
    Zenpod's Avatar
    October 2009
    7,528 Posts
    Surprised nobody noticed who I was the second they read it, I guess I'm not as popular on FP as I thought
    Hi Maverick
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  36. Post #116
    Gold Member
    Lick's Avatar
    April 2010
    2,690 Posts
    Man, I'd just like to express my sympathy to the anonymous man who was almost raped by the gorilla. That must have been terrifying.
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  37. Post #117
    Gold Member
    i_speel_good's Avatar
    June 2006
    3,276 Posts
    The guy with the fat girl stories seriously deserves a golden medal.
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  38. Post #118
    PLAY IT LOUD!!!
    K3inMitl3id's Avatar
    February 2010
    2,875 Posts
    The guy with the fat girl stories seriously deserves a golden medal.
    That's MaverickIB.

    He got perma'd so now he has to use the thread to be able to communicate with Facepunch.
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  39. Post #119
    imasillypiggy's Avatar
    December 2009
    8,851 Posts
    That's MaverickIB.

    He got perma'd so now he has to use the thread to be able to communicate with Facepunch.
    Like using a Ouija board to talk to the dead.
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  40. Post #120
    Gold Member
    Dennab
    May 2009
    3,379 Posts
    The guy with the fat girl stories seriously deserves a golden medal.
    That's MaverickIB.
    Oh nevermind then.
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