1. Post #401
    Gold Member
    Funktastic Dog's Avatar
    September 2009
    3,313 Posts
    These dog stories are really upsetting.

    Stay strong brethren.
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  2. Post #402
    coco911231's Avatar
    August 2009
    7,895 Posts
    These dog stories are really upsetting.

    Stay strong brethren.
    Very motivational avatar

    :patriot:

    Will do.
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  3. Post #403
    1.21 GIGAWATTS!
    brandonsh's Avatar
    May 2010
    6,566 Posts
    Alright, so here we go.

    I was born in Calgary, in Canada. I'm 17 and still a virgin. My family and I went to the petting zoo with the younger kids in my family. (11 and 8). Basically, we were walking passed the giraffe exhibit when I saw the most fucking incredible giraffe you'd ever see. Not kidding, you know those commercials where they advertise the fuck out of their meat products? PRIME 100% ALL ROUND CANA-MERICAN BEEF. That was the fucking giraffe, except honestly that awesome. I knew I had to fuck that giraffe, anyway. About 20 minutes later I snuck into the giraffe exhibit, honestly I was caught pretty fucking quick. I climbed onto the giraffe as people yelled at me over megaphones. I did the most batshit thing I could ever do, I wrapped my arms and legs around the giraffe's neck and scurried up. I grabbed it's mouth, and began to kiss it. Keep in mind, my family had caught up.

    The security guys got me as I was coming back down, and I was kicked out.

    Seriously FP, I need that giraffe in my life, I don't think I could handle living without it. I got grounded for about 2 months and am currently being sent to a therapist.

    ADVICE.
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  4. Post #404
    Gold Member
    Cone's Avatar
    August 2011
    19,145 Posts
    I met this really gorgeous, venezuelan girl through my best friend (I should note we're both venezuelans as well, moved out to Panama), she's white skin, light brown straight hair and the most gorgeous, epic eyes I've seen in my entire life, typical kind of girl you find in my country in every corner. I talk to her for a little, and notice she's kinda interested in me, so yeah, I get really pumped, but not too excited about it. So I ask my buddy

    hey where did you meet that chick?
    - Met her thorught my family
    - She nice huh? -yeah, you like her?
    - Yeah, might ask her out one of these days

    Next thing that happens, my friend starts begging for me not to try anything with her, he got really mad and threathens me not to hit on her or he'd slap my shit, I'm like.. "Don't worry man, you're my best friend, you met her first, It's your chance" and I was not going to try anything on her, but I just can't. The more I know her the more I wanna ask her out. So I've been giving my friend awful advice intentionally, I've been complimenting her and she has insinuating thigs too, I also pretend he's not my friend in front of her and talking shit about him, in hopes she won't date him. I'm not worried at all, he's a desperate fuck and has no chance with her, but I do it anyways. I feel horrible about myself right now.
    Bro

    Dude

    Not fucking cool
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  5. Post #405
    Gold Member
    Zakkin's Avatar
    August 2009
    5,901 Posts
    -snip-

  6. Post #406
    coco911231's Avatar
    August 2009
    7,895 Posts
    Waiting for that new batch of cookies
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  7. Post #407
    ineedateam1's Avatar
    April 2010
    2,543 Posts
    I havea bit of a story to tell... but... can i be ASSURED this is an Anonymous confessional...
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  8. Post #408
    Gold Member
    OogalaBoogal's Avatar
    November 2008
    4,079 Posts
    I havea bit of a story to tell... but... can i be ASSURED this is an Anonymous confessional...
    Yes, it is.
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  9. Post #409
    Gold Member
    Cone's Avatar
    August 2011
    19,145 Posts
    I havea bit of a story to tell... but... can i be ASSURED this is an Anonymous confessional...
    Speaking of fucking up the point of the confessional being anonymous, did you get my PM OP?
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  10. Post #410
    Gold Member
    Ray-The-Sun's Avatar
    December 2007
    11,859 Posts
    I havea bit of a story to tell... but... can i be ASSURED this is an Anonymous confessional...
    It is when you don't tell us you sent one.
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  11. Post #411
    Gold Member
    OogalaBoogal's Avatar
    November 2008
    4,079 Posts
    Sorry if i sound scattered whilst writing this, I'm very nervous and there are family in the immediate vicinity of me, ive never told a soul this and i just want to get it out.

    I am a paedo.

    During the summers I used to volunteer at a youth group center for grades k-5, and there was a girl, i suspect she was in maybe 4th grade (we'll call her Amellia), but we'll get to that later, I was 13 at the time . Every summer we would go to a water park, this was one of the funnest times of the year, large slides, cannonballs, all good fun. The girls in one pieces or bikinis. Amellia, in a loose purple bikini, she was the was the sexiest thing there. During the summer, I had made friends with Amellia, only reason is that i could get close to her and she wouldnt think any wiser. so me and Amellia are off in a separated portion of the public pool, "Playing".

    I ask if she wants to play a game, she obliges.

    "How about we play follow the leader! You be leader, and ill follow!" I ask, a slight hardon is growing at this point, but the water conceals it.

    "Okay, 3... 2.... 1... GO!" She exclaims.

    She starts swimming underwater, making futile dips and turns to try and get me off course. I was following right on track, My nose practically in her taint. Me with goggles, I can see everything, with every turn, her loose purple bikini sways to the left or right.

    Exposing herself each time.

    (oh my god i am getting hard writing this)

    It was perfect, small, untouched, innocent. At this point my penis has extended i could use it as a rudder in this cold water.

    (did i mention I have a fetish for having cold dick)

    At this point anyone with an aerial view could see me basically sniffing her wet flower, but the water obscured vision. After we had swam halfway across the pool, I told her that she had won, and pretended to choke on water.

    Noone saw anything, I got out without being labeled a pedophile by friends ive know for years.

    (at this point im dreaming of other things i couldve gotten away with)

    After that experience, I have majorly lightened up on being a perv. (I was a perv in school as well, but never caught, infact, when i told people i was pervy, they said i was the least pervy person they knew) I still look at Lolicon and other things looked down upon by society.

    (i dont blame them im sick im sick)


    This is all I have, sorry if it sounds a little dramatic, ive been reading Stephen King.

    I actually do feel better, I feel much more comfortable with myself, letting people know, it feels good.
    !!

    Kay, so I'm gonna stir the pot with my confession; old women turn me on. Now I have to explain myself because that statement isn't entirely true. But my biggest boner is given to a certain build. It's hard to describe, but essentially it includes broad shoulders, large features, and not skinny. And I find this mostly on like mature videos and especially at school. I've had interesting classes where I couldn't help but stare in class and feed my cock these energies. It's been like this since 8th grade, when I had a dream that I lived in a treehouse village hippie shit neighborhood and my teacher turned out to be my mother or something. And then the next day at school I was eyeing her cooch thinking 'Mmmh' and then 'Whoa what teh fuck' and afterwards I fapped to her many times. And then it spread onto my science teacher, and then to my high school teachers, and it worries me that they're going to see me staring down their breasts like there's three of them on her chest. One of these teachers was probably 5'5" and 300lbs but grr the underwear through her pants hnnngh. And another teacher passed by my desk and her ass rubbed against my elbow and it was the softest thing that has ever touched me, and uunnnnnhh it was so mmmmhh. Not to mention that hot chicks my age don't give me that super boner I get from old people. I think the moral of the story is I need my dick sucked.

    And I guess I could confess that my friend and I jerked each other off before. It wasn't gay, we were watching straight porno and just switched hands so it'd be an outside feeling. You should try it sometime.
    No thanks.

    Hello, Facestrike.
    I think I might kill someone.

    Some time ago I went to a trip to one of the local lakes that was being hosted by a friend of mine, and I ended up meeting the girl that I am currently dating. Well, being new to this kind of dating (previous relationship was in HS, and its very different from the real world I promise you) I decided to just... go with it. First date was okay in the sense that we still were friends afterwards, but she was way afraid of being in a relationship and I had no idea why. Well, she agrees to a second date some 2 weeks later and we go see a movie, have lunch, and hang out at the park (BEAUTIFUL weather that day, it was perfect). She breaks the fear she had and we both nail down that there is definitely something here chemistry wise. Well, some time later I go to church with them as a token of goodwill to her grandparents (whom she currently lives with) and afterwards I help them move some stuff around in their garage.

    Well here is where things get relevant to the topic.

    We're done moving stuff and we're all tired and watching a movie. Phone rings, she answers it, and my alarms immediately go off because the INSTANT a voice comes over that speakerphone, she comes from the kitchen to the den in an instant and is in a ball on the couch.

    What in the hell is going on? I learn that its her brother on the phone.

    history lesson: her family history is like... absolute hell. She and her brother grew up in an incredibly unhealthy environment. Her mother was a batshit insane woman who made her own spin-off of the 7th Day Adventists Church, of which herself and her family were the only members. Only meats they could eat were chicken and turkey. All of their money came from Government pensions, welfare, and disability checks, and most of it was spend on games and game systems. Her father is the source of the checks that get spent on games. he is a USAF enlistee, dishonorably discharged for drug use or something, I dunno, not exactly a casual conversational topic. (primarily LSD cause its cheap apparently) He was dirty, had excessive facial hair, incredibly mental issues, puked everywhere, and was generally a dirty nasty hobo of the worst kind.

    her brother? Holy shit. Her brother is schizophrenic, incoherent, has a bizarre fetish with black people, incredibly and uncontrollably perverted, and is generally just a fucked up thing. I learned that my girlfriend had her thumb cut off by this guy, and she laid bleeding on the floor screaming while her mother watched and did nothing. her father was... somewhere, he didn't stick around often. It wasn't until her neighbors heard intense screaming that something was done, and she was rushed to the hospital where the thumb was re-attached, with the only sign being a scar around the base of it.

    So thats all I knew about them at that point in time. Back to the present as her grandfather is chatting with this guy on phone for god knows why, she's in the other room, curled up on the couch. My sirens are going absolutely fucking insane and immediately move to where she is and try and get her to look at me and establish some kind of eye contact. No dice, she won't look up. What she does do however is allow us to hug.

    I then got to watch as she emotionally and psychologically came apart in my arms, with me powerless to do anything much more than merely watch and be there for her.

    She started moaning in discomfort about his voice, then silently weeping, then crying, and then uncontrolled sobs into my shoulder as my arms are tight around her.

    And then she started flashbacking. Right in my arms. This beautiful girl was reduced to a sobbing, psychologically destroyed basket-case in mere minutes by just the sound of that guys voice. I knew then that there was more to the short snippets I got about her. There was so much more that I didn't know and could not even begin to fathom.
    My mind is racing at all the scenarios I'm thinking of, and then I hear her start saying things.

    "no, brother, stop! cut it out!"
    'I'll tell mom!'
    "Noooooo!"
    -more sobs-

    The action that she wanted him to stop was him trying to molest her. He threatened to tell mom because he knew that when mom found out that she was refusing to give brother something he wanted, she got beat within an inch of her life. She grew up knowing that whatever brother wanted, brother got. Whatever he wanted. Anything at all. Anything. And he wanted her. He molested her, and quite possibly raped her. Memories of this were surfaced just by hearing his voice, and she gripped my shirt harder and screamed out in emotional pain. Then her grandmother starts informing me of her entire fucking life history. Her parents didn't let her go to school until she was 12, and that was only because her grandparents finally won custody of her after years of battling. The courts forced her to visit her brother on countless occasions, threatening her grandparents with jail time if they didn't make sure it happened.

    At some point, she calms enough to go to the bathroom and wipe her face, and when she walks out she hears him more (grandfather was still on the goddamn phone with this psycho) and breaks down again, this time going towards her grandmother as she was closest. Her grandmother continues with the fucking history lesson as her grandfather continues to fucking converse with the guy that is CAUSING all of this. It clicks in my head that her flashbacks are being triggered by audio, so I move anything I can out of the way and close the door to the den, shutting out most of the sounds from outside. I sit next to her and hug her as best I can and as much as I can, i proceed to whisper in her ear that its all over, he can't hurt her anymore, he's gone, you never have to see him or talk to him or do anything with him anymore... and I repeat that general concept while making damn sure that my voice and my breath were all she could hear, I had to drown out his voice, I had to give her as many senses to grasp on to that were still linked to reality, I needed to save her from herself.

    And so I did. She began to calm down, slowly ceasing her sobs down to a muffled whimper into the lap of her grandmother. I continued to talk in her ear and comfort her as best I could manage until the fucking phone was finally hung up and it all ended. She was destroyed... and the rest of us were all shaken up to say the least. The day ended some manner of hours later. She was terrified that I would leave her after learning that she was "damaged goods". I told her that would never happen, and that she wasn't damaged goods... and she seemed to be comforted by that.

    My entire drive home was dominated by paranoia. Where was he now? What did he look like? (I saw a picture of him when he was younger, but its way old) What were his habits, his quirks? ...what do I do if he comes back? He's dangerous, and that word doesn't cover it quite as much as it should. He's insane, absolutely insane. I Heard that he likes to work out, so he's apparently quite built and very tall.

    Despite all of this, despite the literal hell she has LIVED through, she is... incredible. Despite starting education when she was 12, she graduated HS with a 3.98 GPA. She's not crazy, broke, anything. Yeah, she's got a dark sense of humor, but so do I, and I didn't go through... that.


    Well, I just recently learned that he's mobile now. Has a moped and access to other transportation. He's mobile, and he wants to see her. That makes the possibility of meeting him very real. And I know for a fact that this isn't a "seek out family and reconcile" type thing. This man is insane. He is absolutely insane and she wants nothing to do with him. I've been running scenarios every day since then, and my conclusions are startling.

    If he does return, I'll give him a chance to leave. If he takes it, cool. If not? We have a problem. He's registered in my head as a threat of the highest degree. He can, will, and has hurt her before and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let it happen again. If he comes back and tries to force his way to her, I'll kill him.

    I'm serious. If he tries to get to her, I'll kill him before he does. I will end his life and remove his physical existence from this earth. I don't care what manner he goes about it, if he tries to get to her, he's dead. Simple as that.

    Facepunch, I want to kill someone.
    I wouldn't intend to kill, but I'd sure as hell have a knife on me at all times. That's some horror movie content right there.
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  12. Post #412
    Gold Member
    Cone's Avatar
    August 2011
    19,145 Posts
    GF's brother is a psycho story
    Dude, call the fucking police. He's a Scizhophrenic on the loose and you have evidence he's guilty of rape, or at the very least endangering a child.

    I mean... fucking Hell, move your girlfriend somewhere safe. Install patrols of people you and she know and trust. She is not safe as long as her brother isn't monitored in any way. Who's to say he's even on any sort of medication?
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  13. Post #413
    Sorry if i sound scattered whilst writing this, I'm very nervous and there are family in the immediate vicinity of me, ive never told a soul this and i just want to get it out.

    I am a paedo.

    During the summers I used to volunteer at a youth group center for grades k-5, and there was a girl, i suspect she was in maybe 4th grade (we'll call her Amellia), but we'll get to that later, I was 13 at the time . Every summer we would go to a water park, this was one of the funnest times of the year, large slides, cannonballs, all good fun. The girls in one pieces or bikinis. Amellia, in a loose purple bikini, she was the was the sexiest thing there. During the summer, I had made friends with Amellia, only reason is that i could get close to her and she wouldnt think any wiser. so me and Amellia are off in a separated portion of the public pool, "Playing".

    I ask if she wants to play a game, she obliges.

    "How about we play follow the leader! You be leader, and ill follow!" I ask, a slight hardon is growing at this point, but the water conceals it.

    "Okay, 3... 2.... 1... GO!" She exclaims.

    She starts swimming underwater, making futile dips and turns to try and get me off course. I was following right on track, My nose practically in her taint. Me with goggles, I can see everything, with every turn, her loose purple bikini sways to the left or right.

    Exposing herself each time.

    (oh my god i am getting hard writing this)

    It was perfect, small, untouched, innocent. At this point my penis has extended i could use it as a rudder in this cold water.

    (did i mention I have a fetish for having cold dick)

    At this point anyone with an aerial view could see me basically sniffing her wet flower, but the water obscured vision. After we had swam halfway across the pool, I told her that she had won, and pretended to choke on water.

    Noone saw anything, I got out without being labeled a pedophile by friends ive know for years.

    (at this point im dreaming of other things i couldve gotten away with)

    After that experience, I have majorly lightened up on being a perv. (I was a perv in school as well, but never caught, infact, when i told people i was pervy, they said i was the least pervy person they knew) I still look at Lolicon and other things looked down upon by society.

    (i dont blame them im sick im sick)


    This is all I have, sorry if it sounds a little dramatic, ive been reading Stephen King.

    I actually do feel better, I feel much more comfortable with myself, letting people know, it feels good.
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  14. Post #414

    August 2011
    5,969 Posts
    Sorry if i sound scattered whilst writing this, I'm very nervous and there are family in the immediate vicinity of me, ive never told a soul this and i just want to get it out.

    I am a paedo.

    During the summers I used to volunteer at a youth group center for grades k-5, and there was a girl, i suspect she was in maybe 4th grade (we'll call her Amellia), but we'll get to that later, I was 13 at the time . Every summer we would go to a water park, this was one of the funnest times of the year, large slides, cannonballs, all good fun. The girls in one pieces or bikinis. Amellia, in a loose purple bikini, she was the was the sexiest thing there. During the summer, I had made friends with Amellia, only reason is that i could get close to her and she wouldnt think any wiser. so me and Amellia are off in a separated portion of the public pool, "Playing".

    I ask if she wants to play a game, she obliges.

    "How about we play follow the leader! You be leader, and ill follow!" I ask, a slight hardon is growing at this point, but the water conceals it.

    "Okay, 3... 2.... 1... GO!" She exclaims.

    She starts swimming underwater, making futile dips and turns to try and get me off course. I was following right on track, My nose practically in her taint. Me with goggles, I can see everything, with every turn, her loose purple bikini sways to the left or right.

    Exposing herself each time.

    (oh my god i am getting hard writing this)

    It was perfect, small, untouched, innocent. At this point my penis has extended i could use it as a rudder in this cold water.

    (did i mention I have a fetish for having cold dick)

    At this point anyone with an aerial view could see me basically sniffing her wet flower, but the water obscured vision. After we had swam halfway across the pool, I told her that she had won, and pretended to choke on water.

    Noone saw anything, I got out without being labeled a pedophile by friends ive know for years.

    (at this point im dreaming of other things i couldve gotten away with)

    After that experience, I have majorly lightened up on being a perv. (I was a perv in school as well, but never caught, infact, when i told people i was pervy, they said i was the least pervy person they knew) I still look at Lolicon and other things looked down upon by society.

    (i dont blame them im sick im sick)


    This is all I have, sorry if it sounds a little dramatic, ive been reading Stephen King.

    I actually do feel better, I feel much more comfortable with myself, letting people know, it feels good.
    Oh god.

    The mental images.

    Make it stop.

    Oh god.
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  15. Post #415
    Gold Member
    Cone's Avatar
    August 2011
    19,145 Posts
    Oh god.

    The mental images.

    Make it stop.

    Oh god.
    You guys are lucky.

    I went through the whole Weirdest Boner Thread after I discovered hate was the secret to eternal life.

    The things I've seen

    The times I had to punch myself in the dick

    AND IT WAS ALL FOR NOTHING
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  16. Post #416
    LOO POO'S BIG FAN !!!!!!!! LOVES SHITPOSTING ALMOST AS MUCH!!!!
    Yahnich's Avatar
    October 2009
    9,103 Posts
    gf brother rape
    Look I know the feeling but if you kill him she loses you as well and in some way her brother wins again by taking something she loves away from her again. And depending on country you'll be locked up for 10-20 years.

    Protect her, do everything in your power, but just try to avoid actually murdering him.
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  17. Post #417

    August 2011
    5,969 Posts
    You guys are lucky.

    I went through the whole Weirdest Boner Thread after I discovered hate was the secret to eternal life.

    The things I've seen

    The times I had to punch myself in the dick

    AND IT WAS ALL FOR NOTHING
    Do tell.

  18. Post #418
    Gold Member
    Cone's Avatar
    August 2011
    19,145 Posts
    Well basically

    If you hate things enough

    Khorne brings presents.

    It's kept me alive for thirteen years on a diet of XTREME Smokin' Ribs flavored Pringles and Bitter Shandy. So I've got to be doing something right.
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  19. Post #419
    HAND.CAT
    barttool's Avatar
    July 2010
    4,609 Posts
    Ha, the first confession is someone who gets turned on by little girls, second confessional is about someone who gets turned on by oldies, god dammit, Facepunch, Get it right!
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  20. Post #420
    Artyom's Avatar
    March 2011
    1,422 Posts
    And I guess I could confess that my friend and I jerked each other off before. It wasn't gay,
    umm
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  21. Post #421
    HAND.CAT
    barttool's Avatar
    July 2010
    4,609 Posts
    If balls are not touching = TOTALLY NOT GAY.
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  22. Post #422
    Gold Member
    Cone's Avatar
    August 2011
    19,145 Posts
    If balls are not touching = TOTALLY NOT GAY.
    I have trouble imagining a situation where the balls actually would touch

    The mechanics of it are mind-boggling
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  23. Post #423
    Meow :3
    Ac!dL3ak's Avatar
    July 2005
    6,087 Posts
    I have trouble imagining a situation where the balls actually would touch

    The mechanics of it are mind-boggling
    doggy style
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  24. Post #424
    Gold Member
    Cone's Avatar
    August 2011
    19,145 Posts
    doggy style
    They'd have to be kind of low-hanging

    And the other guy's would have to be quite high as well

  25. Post #425

    August 2011
    5,969 Posts
    I have trouble imagining a situation where the balls actually would touch

    The mechanics of it are mind-boggling
    The pains of a too-vivid imagination.
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  26. Post #426
    Gold Member
    Ray-The-Sun's Avatar
    December 2007
    11,859 Posts
    I have trouble imagining a situation where the balls actually would touch

    The mechanics of it are mind-boggling
    Seriously bro? Length-to-length, docking, et cetera?
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  27. Post #427
    Gold Member
    Cuon Alpinus's Avatar
    February 2011
    5,937 Posts
    sent in a confessional

    and it's all about the LOVE, man
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  28. Post #428
    BestBuyInBRICK's Avatar
    February 2011
    184 Posts
    The more and more of these confessions I read, the more and more that I realize my selfish misanthropic cynical personality is minor in comparison to the fucked up issues most of you people have.

    But then again, I should have remembered this was Facepunch.
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  29. Post #429
    Gold Member
    Cuon Alpinus's Avatar
    February 2011
    5,937 Posts
    The more and more of these confessions I read, the more and more that I realize my selfish misanthropic cynical personality is minor in comparison to the fucked up issues most of you people have.

    But then again, I should have remembered this was Facepunch.
    http://www.facepunch.com/threads/1129769/2
    You now feel so much better about yourself.
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  30. Post #430
    BestBuyInBRICK's Avatar
    February 2011
    184 Posts
    http://www.facepunch.com/threads/1129769/2
    You now feel so much better about yourself.
    I honestly believe that if I were to choose something wrong with myself, I'd rather fuck animals than creep on innocent little children.
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  31. Post #431
    Gold Member
    Cuon Alpinus's Avatar
    February 2011
    5,937 Posts
    I honestly believe that if I were to choose something wrong with myself, I'd rather fuck animals than creep on innocent little children.
    I was just referring to your post about seeing others much weirder than yourself makes you feel less insane.

  32. Post #432
    Gold Member
    KingKombat's Avatar
    April 2009
    11,518 Posts
    wow reading that one about the guy's girlfriend has seriously ruined my shit for the rest of the week

    tears should have been shed

  33. Post #433
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  34. Post #434
    Gold Member
    S31-Syntax's Avatar
    October 2007
    9,837 Posts
    Look I know the feeling but if you kill him she loses you as well and in some way her brother wins again by taking something she loves away from her again. And depending on country you'll be locked up for 10-20 years.

    Protect her, do everything in your power, but just try to avoid actually murdering him.
    I can see her losing him due to jail time, but how else would she lose him?

  35. Post #435
    Dennab
    December 2009
    6,575 Posts
    Bro

    Dude

    Not fucking cool
    Agreed. Hard.

    But what can you do most people are two faced and most of those most of those two faced people are back stabbers.

    Most people..

  36. Post #436
    RomanTheOmen's Avatar
    March 2011
    743 Posts
    can't wait for the next batch! ya weirdos.

  37. Post #437
    Moderator
    Seiteki's Avatar
    September 2005
    12,349 Posts
    I have trouble imagining a situation where the balls actually would touch

    The mechanics of it are mind-boggling
    Not really.
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  38. Post #438
    coco911231's Avatar
    August 2009
    7,895 Posts
    Long pedo story
    wat.
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  39. Post #439
    DD's 10 year old
    /B/rother's Avatar
    April 2010
    17,345 Posts
    You guys are fucked up.
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  40. Post #440
    coco911231's Avatar
    August 2009
    7,895 Posts


    Talk about calling the kettle black.
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