1. Post #561
    Gold Member
    broodroos's Avatar
    July 2005
    183 Posts
    I'd like to make a confession that concerns all of facepuch.
    Garry loves dicks true story.

    (User was banned for this post ("Trolling" - Starpluck))
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Windows Vista Netherlands Show Events Dumb x 17Agree x 5Funny x 4Disagree x 1Informative x 1 (list)

  2. Post #562
    Gold Member
    Moby-'s Avatar
    November 2006
    2,107 Posts
    An 05'er? I'm dissappointed.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Windows 7 United Kingdom Show Events Agree Agree x 40Funny Funny x 2Dumb Dumb x 1 (list)

  3. Post #563
    Gold Member
    Satane's Avatar
    March 2007
    3,704 Posts
    53 posts, he hasn't really been around much.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Windows 7 Slovenia Show Events Agree Agree x 6 (list)

  4. Post #564
    You must be incredibly naive then. Your parents already know that you fap.

    EVERYBODY'S parents know that their son faps.
    i don't want to believe
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Windows 7 United States Show Events Agree Agree x 5 (list)

  5. Post #565
    JumJum's Avatar
    November 2010
    1,131 Posts
    You must be incredibly naive then. Your parents already know that you fap.

    EVERYBODY'S parents know that their son faps.
    Not my parents. They're very devout conservative Christians who would probably take my laptop away for a month if they caught me masturbating.

    I don't think that they know.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Windows 7 United States Show Events Funny Funny x 5Agree Agree x 2 (list)

  6. Post #566
    Gold Member
    Van-man's Avatar
    August 2009
    15,159 Posts
    You must be incredibly naive then. Your parents already know that you fap.

    EVERYBODY'S parents know that their son faps.
    I bet they're concerned about their son who's apparently not masturbating.
    Or batshit insane religious people.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Windows 7 Canada Show Events Winner Winner x 3 (list)

  7. Post #567
    IQ-Guldfisk's Avatar
    September 2009
    1,725 Posts
    Not my parents. They're very devout conservative Christians who would probably take my laptop away for a month if they caught me masturbating.

    I don't think that they know.
    I bet your father knows because he was probably the same when he was your age and then if he confronts you with that argument people will know he masturbates.

  8. Post #568
    looking rad, feeling sad
    Slowbro's Avatar
    April 2011
    4,406 Posts
    What's with all the paedos in this thread? I'm not sure I feel safe on this forum anymore.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Mac United Kingdom Show Events Agree Agree x 7Funny Funny x 2 (list)

  9. Post #569
    Lebowski's Avatar
    December 2009
    10,375 Posts
    If there are any homos in the thread, can you tell me if this technique works on men too?
    It's not a technique, it's called getting over yourself.
    It'd probably be smarter in our case to actually find out if the intended person is bi/gay as well, but really, how else do you ask someone out besides getting over your inflated issues and asking someone out already.

  10. Post #570
    Gold Member
    Van-man's Avatar
    August 2009
    15,159 Posts
    What's with all the paedos in this thread? I'm not sure I feel safe on this forum anymore.
    Your neighbor might also be a pedo.
    Or even your own parents.
    Think about it.

  11. Post #571
    What's with all the paedos in this thread? I'm not sure I feel safe on this forum anymore.
    Pedophile =/= child porn watcher
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply United States Show Events Disagree Disagree x 19Agree Agree x 1Dumb Dumb x 1 (list)

  12. Post #572
    looking rad, feeling sad
    Slowbro's Avatar
    April 2011
    4,406 Posts
    Pedophile =/= child porn watcher
    Paedophile = person who takes innocent young child into bathroom and tells them to jack him off
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Mac United Kingdom Show Events Funny Funny x 30Agree Agree x 4 (list)

  13. Post #573
    Lebowski's Avatar
    December 2009
    10,375 Posts
    I'm not sure quite how to say this, so I'll just come out and say it.


    Whenever I climax (during masturbation) instead of just letting it go, I bend over and cum into my mouth. Then shallow it.

    I've been doing this for about two years now.

    Its not a fetish or anything like that, I don't get my kicks out of doing it, it's more out of necessity then anything else. As I live in a three bedroom house with my brother,
    sister, mother and father (I'm sixteen), and don't want to leave behind any "evidence" so to speak of the act, like tissue used to clean up afterwards.

    Nobody has figured out I masturbate yet, so I guess its working for me.

    But my question to you, facepunch, is this: Is it healthy to do this? Could I get sick from swallowing my own semen? Thanks in advance.
    It's not hard to google.

    Semen ingestion

    Some reasons for human ingestion of human or other semen are erotic gratification and physical and spiritual benefits.
    Nutritional value
    Semen is primarily water, but contains trace amounts of almost every nutrient the human body uses.[citation needed] It has somewhat higher amounts of commonly deficient minerals, such as potassium, magnesium, and selenium.[42] One typical ejaculation contains 150 mg of protein, 11 mg of carbohydrates, 6 mg fat, 3 mg cholesterol, 7% US RDA potassium and 3% US RDA copper and zinc.[43][not in citation given] When metabolized, protein yields 4 kcal/g, carbohydrate also yields 4 kcal/g, and fat yields 9 kcal/g.[44] Hence the food energy in the typical ejaculation is 0.7 kcal (2.9 kJ).
    Health risks
    There is no risk in ingesting the semen of a healthy man. Swallowing semen carries no additional risk other than those inherent in fellatio. Fellatio does carry some transmission risk for sexually transmitted diseases such as HIV or herpes, especially for people with bleeding gums, gingivitis or open sores.[45]
    Even if semen is cold before the individual ingests it, viruses can stay active for a long period of time once outside the body.
    Research has suggested that performing unprotected oral sex on a person infected with human papillomavirus (HPV) might increase the risk of oral or throat cancer. The study found that 36% of the cancer patients had HPV compared to only 1% of the healthy control group. It is believed that this is due to the transmission of HPV because this virus has been implicated in the majority of cervical cancers.[46]
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Mac United States Show Events Informative Informative x 6Useful Useful x 1 (list)

  14. Post #574
    Ask about my EBOLA fetish
    GameDev's Avatar
    February 2010
    12,432 Posts
    Reading these in class is a horrible idea
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply United States Show Events Funny Funny x 23Agree Agree x 12 (list)

  15. Post #575
    RAWRrrr's Avatar
    August 2009
    2,962 Posts
    Reading these in class is a horrible idea
    And why is that?

  16. Post #576
    Ali Legend's Avatar
    July 2010
    2,434 Posts
    What's with all the paedos in this thread? I'm not sure I feel safe on this forum anymore.
    I'm pretty sure (aka hopeful) that people make up the most depraved shit they can think of in the hopes of getting attention.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Windows 7 United Kingdom Show Events Agree Agree x 1Optimistic Optimistic x 1 (list)

  17. Post #577
    Gold Member
    OogalaBoogal's Avatar
    November 2008
    4,079 Posts
    Reading these in class is a horrible idea
    I was going to do an update in class, once. I decided against it. Bad idea.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Windows 7 Canada Show Events Funny Funny x 10 (list)

  18. Post #578
    Gold Member
    Bytecry's Avatar
    February 2010
    5,459 Posts
    That pedo story is quite sick.

  19. Post #579
    imasillypiggy's Avatar
    December 2009
    8,851 Posts
    What's with all the paedos in this thread? I'm not sure I feel safe on this forum anymore.
    If you didn't admit you were 12 you would have been safe.

  20. Post #580
    looking rad, feeling sad
    Slowbro's Avatar
    April 2011
    4,406 Posts
    If you didn't admit you were 12 you would have been safe.
    Hahaha, I'm not. Just pointing out this forum is a lot more messed up than I thought it was.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Mac United Kingdom Show Events Informative Informative x 1Optimistic Optimistic x 1 (list)

  21. Post #581
    SERGEANT OF THE MASTER SERGEANTS MOST IMPORTANT PERSON OF EXTREME SERGEANTS TO THE MAX
    SpartanV2's Avatar
    June 2010
    2,198 Posts
    OP, hurry up.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply United States Show Events Agree Agree x 3 (list)

  22. Post #582
    Scarbo's Avatar
    January 2010
    453 Posts
    I *twitch* need my fix, man!
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Windows 7 Australia Show Events Agree Agree x 3Funny Funny x 1 (list)

  23. Post #583
    Gold Member
    buttered_toast's Avatar
    April 2011
    942 Posts
    Next batch when?

  24. Post #584
    looking rad, feeling sad
    Slowbro's Avatar
    April 2011
    4,406 Posts
    Facepunch Anonymous Confessional v8: Paedophile Safehouse Edition
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Mac United Kingdom Show Events Funny Funny x 21 (list)

  25. Post #585
    RAWRrrr's Avatar
    August 2009
    2,962 Posts
    Waiting for these confessions is like waiting for my ex to orgasm. Never know when its going to happen and it takes fucking ages.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Windows 7 New Zealand Show Events Informative Informative x 15Useful Useful x 1 (list)

  26. Post #586
    Septimas's Avatar
    July 2007
    1,879 Posts
    Waiting for these confessions is like waiting for my ex to orgasm. Never know when its going to happen and it takes fucking ages.
    I thought you were going to say that they are like the confessions, because the only good ones are done by maverick;)
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Windows 7 United States Show Events Funny x 10Zing x 1Disagree x 1Dumb x 1Optimistic x 1 (list)

  27. Post #587
    Gold Member
    OogalaBoogal's Avatar
    November 2008
    4,079 Posts
    I'll just start off by saying, sorry if this bores anyone. I don't really have too many interesting confessions I guess but meh.

    - Ever since I was younger I was always shy around people, this included even my own family though not as greatly as with strangers. Surprisingly though, through out grade school I was able to make a few friends here and there because I was good at soccer and kids wanted me on their team during recess. However, as soon as I hit middle school reality hit me a bit and that bit of shyness slammed me in the face and turned into something a thousand times worse. The few friends that I had made back in grade school were zoned for a different middle school, so I was left to myself. I was always missing days. I probably racked up about 30-40 absences during the first year of middle school. My mom was always soft and I could easily ask her to stay home. Some days she was a bit tougher and I had to tell her I didn't feel good, and others I would pretend to miss my bus when I knew she wouldn't be able to take me to school. I even went as far to stay out in the woods during the school day and then come back and act like I had gone and everything. Middle school also introduced two things I wasn't used to and didn't care for at all. One- presentations and two- group projects. When we had to do group projects, I dreaded hearing the next sentence out of my teacher's mouth- "Find partners". Everytime this happened I just sat at my desk and pretended to be busy looking over the assignment. We had an odd number of students in the class so I couldn't be saved by a group being short and having to ask me to join and my teacher would always walk right by me. She saw I was alone but she never offered to help me find a group and it usually took all I had to not start crying at my desk. It was embarrassing and it made me feel downright pathetic. When it came to presentations, I wouldn't do them. The teacher would give us the assignment and I would go home and do the project, but I would just keep it in my closet afterwards. I did this because the first time we did presentations, I brought mine to school and tried to just hand it in. My teacher shook her head at me and told me I'd have to present it. I pointed out that the presentation was worth 20 points and that she could just deduct those but she wouldn't hear of it. Every time we had presentations I knew my grades would drop so I would try my hardest to make it up by doing great on tests and doing other homework. I loved learning and I loved the aspect of school- I just hated the people in it. I hated the people. I don't know if any of you on FP have social anxiety but it made that first year of school an absolute nightmare. All throughout the day my heart would pound and I would shake and feel nervous and sick- like I was about to throw up. It took a lot to get through the day without bursting into tears constantly. By 7th grade I was fed up with it. I started leaving fake suicide notes around the house where I knew my mom would find them. I also started cutting myself and punching concrete walls- anything to leave marks and scars on my arms and legs. I didn't 'like' pain I just wanted my mom to see them. She took notice and took me to a therapist and I outright lied and told him I wanted to die and that I would do it. I didn't want to take my life, I just wanted to get out of school. I know you guys are probably thinking 'hurr home school' but that wasn't an option for me. Anyway, I wound up landing into several different mental institutions because of that. I would get out and land myself right back in. By the time I was 15 I legally dropped out of school and spent most of my time locked in my room. I'm 21 now and to this day, I don't and haven't left the house. The farthest I go is the porch and that's it. I want to change, but at the same time I don't. I don't know who to go to about it. I feel too awkward to talk to my mom about it so I feel stuck.

    - Because of ^ I have no friends. And I literally mean none. There's people out there that will say 'OMG LOL I HAVE NO FRIENDS' and then they'll text a couple people. If someone told me to send a message to a friend, I'd have not one single person, not even an acquaintance.

    -When I was 16 I got the idea to stick a tampon up my butt while I masturbated. It felt really good. I stopped after my mom was confused about how she was going through so many though.

    -When I was in 4th grade I went over to a friend's house when his parents weren't there to play some games. He went to the bathroom and while he was in there I looked around his house. His parents had a giant blow up beer can in their bedroom and I humped it for a few mins until I heard the bathroom door open and then I just pretended to be looking at his parents clock. I went to his house a few times after just to hump that beer can.

    -A couple years ago I used to play WoW and I was DESPERATE for someone to love me. I made a girl blood elf and would talk to guys and pretend to be a girl by the name of Rebecca. I led a guy on for about 8 months and then just stopped talking to him because he kept wanting me to use mic/call him and it got to be too much of a hassle to lie about it most every day.

    -I like the feeling of pulling hairs out from my butt. Not the hairs that are already there, but long hairs from me or my mom. I took a shower once and my butt itched and I scratched the crack and felt something- pulled on it and it turned out to be a hair. Just the feeling- I can't explain it. I really can't.

    -If I get horny, I wait til later to eat so that I can ejaculate into my food. If I don't feel like waiting and I'm not in the mood at the time, I'll just do it into my drink. It doesn't really do anything to the taste besides make it a bit salty, I just like the thought of doing it.
    Alrighty then. I'm currently in a foreign country, it's 12:28 AM and I can't sleep so I decided to waste a few minutes writing about my life in the form of a confession. If you're sick of the depressing stories that are on here: go read the next one down. I'm sure it's about somebody discovering their fetish for rainbow lorikeets during a family reunion or something. But if you find these types of stories interesting for whatever reason, please read on.

    Okay, I'll start from the beginning. Some of the earliest memories I have involve shitting. I think I first discovered I had a problem with it when I shat my pants walking home from a nice 4 year old swim. I literally couldn't hold it in at all, it just came out of my ass. The second time this happened, I was in my garden. It started coming, and me being a stupid little kid, took a shit by a tree. The next thing I knew, my dog came running up to the new smell, and starting wolfing the thing down. I can't remember if it was out of disgust or concern, but I ran and told my parents about it. I got a talking to, but the dog was fine.

    Next fucked up thing would have to be... hmm, I guess school. I had this friend, lets call him Jacob. We were best friends I'd say, but we had a weird relationship at times. Well, I was weird at times. I can't remember much, but I know that one time we were talking about how we both wondered what sex felt like (we were 7 at the time). I all of the sudden said "Why don't we see what it's like?" and started taking off my pants. He gave me a weird look and said that he thought it was a bad idea. I also shat my pants in his pool. Twice. There was some more weird sex stuff but I've forgotten or repressed those memories.

    The other thing that stands out from my first school (grades 1-4) was the time I got in trouble for bullying. But woe is me, I never fucking bullied anybody. Apparently it was a bad idea to hang out with bullies. I was forced to write a letter of apology to the poor kid, but I had no idea what to write so I made shit up. This had a big impact on me socially. I became really quiet, really afraid I'd fuck up. And all through the process of getting a letter sent home to my parents about it, I never had the guts to stand up and say, "I didn't do anything."

    Around about this time I discovered something that would affect my life in a way I didn't expect at the time. I still have no idea how it happened, if I was born with it or if I was injured, but somehow, my left breastplate has become... well it sticks out of my chest. I didn't think much of it at the time, it was weird but I was still okay, not hurting or anything. But this fucked me up. The rest of my entire life. I couldn't walk around shirtless, I couldn't hug people, I could never just pick up a girl at a bar, without somebody having to ask, "What the fuck is that?"

    Right. Next school I went to just for Grade 5, and I was quite the loner. I had some friends, but I felt really disconnected, so I lied. I lied, oh god, so fucking much, about everything I could, I said I was in the band, I sold fake cover CDs, I said I had a girlfriend, I said we kissed, I said we had sex. I don't know how or why I came up with it all, but I did. Wow. I really, really don't know why I did it. Which makes the next thing fuck with my head even more.
    There was this girl, lets call her Rosie. I had a crush on her. Now, nothing ever happened between me and her. But for some reason, I told my sister, and her friend (they were both 6) that I kissed her. I was 9 at the time. Fuck. They were 6. They were 6 fucking years old. And I kissed them. I "gave them kissing lessons." Fuck. My first kiss ever was with a 6 year old. It was an actual kiss, tongue and everything, with both of them. Fuck fuck fuck. My SISTER. I still can't get over it now. Afterwards, we all had dinner together, and I started crying. I don't know why. I was disgusted with myself I guess. Or just disappointed; everybody got first kisses with their loved ones, these special moments that they treasure forever. I had a smooch in a dark room with a fucking 6 YEAR OLD.

    Ugh.

    For the rest of my life I was always more distant from my sister. I wanted to be a good brother, and I was at times, but I could never get affectionate, never touch her or hug her as much as brothers and sisters should.

    Grade 6-7, was pretty alright. The biggest thing that happened was reaching puberty I guess; I acted weird with my best friend. Asked him if he wanted to see my pubes, bragged about being able to ejaculate. Nothing too horrible that I can remember. Same with grade 8. Grade 9, I was 13, and I got to third base with my first girlfriend. She dumped me after 5 weeks, on my birthday. Started going out with some other douche, and that lasted months. We got back together the year after, in Grade 10, February the 4th. The relationship was good at first, but slowly got terrible and terrible, I became depressed from jealousy and just general teenage angst.

    One night, I found out that she had cut herself. I couldn't stand this fact; I spent the next few days in silence, as I always did when I was upset. It was fucked up. I loved this girl. She was beautiful, funny, played WoW, sexy. I thought she was perfect, the one good thing in my life, and she sliced her wrists up. It was only once. It was long ago. But I couldn't take it. Of course, those feelings passed, and along came the next thing to fuck shit up. Another girl that loved me.

    Of course, my girlfriend and this other girl were sluts. I would go with any girl that took me because of my disfigured chest. I think I'm over sluts now though; over girls and relationship altogether. Anyway, I cheated on my girlfriend with the other girl, but both the relationships were fucked up. With my girlfriend, I was becoming distant. With the other girl, she wanted me for herself but I couldn't give up my girlfriend. The thing with the girl slowly ended, and then my relationship with my girlfriend slowly withered to a halt. When it did, I was in hell. Luckily, so was she, and we got back together a day later. And THEN, shit got real.

    I saw her arm, all these red scars runnning along her wrist. I freaked out. It felt like i was imploding into myself. She cut herself again, and I was the reason, I made her fucking do it. I fucked up the most perfect girl in the world, fuck. We kept going out, but I was depressed the whole way through. Then one night, I cut myself.

    I don't remember why. That seems to be a reoccurring theme tonight: sorry if a lot of this goes unexplained, but it's even worse for me. But yes, I cut myself. I don't think I enjoyed the cutting, but I liked the gesture. It slowly became a habit, and then after a while I told my girlfriend, and my parents found out, etc. etc., shit hit the fan. I don't want to go into detail but my life fucked up. Girlfriend broke up with me.

    Now I'm here in Europe on an exchange. Um. yeah. God I'm so far away from it all how did it manage to follow me here
    Well hi FacePunch.
    I don't realy know where to start so I guess I'll start with this. This summer I worked as a dishwasher at a resturaunt and the chef would thaw things in the sink by me so I would pour bleach into these things and not tell anyone.

    I'm held a loaded shotgun to my friends head once and would have killed him if I wouldnt have gotten in trouble for it.

    I try to hit animals when I see them in the road and when I succeed I run them over a few times until they're flat.

    There is a girl that loves me that I hate but I take advantage of it by fucking her and lying about loving her back.

    I collect plastic toy soldiers.

    I have a fetish for creampies.

    I often think about ways to torture people.

    I'm enlisted in the Marine Corps and honestly hope I get deployed so I can kill people.

    I also masturbate up to 8 times a day.
    Cool kid.

    There was this girl in school I thought was hot, everyone knew it and she didn't want me unless she needed change for bus fare. I knew this and held off, plenty of achievable fish in the sea.


    She takes photos of everyone all the time. When she said "I hate people taking pics of me" I naturally pulled out a camera(phone) in front of her and took a picture, she got mad, I gave the phone to her for her to delete it.


    One day I managed to piss off one of her friends (asshole to me), someone sent me his twitter and it was actually the funniest thing I've ever read. I accidentally mentioned it with her in ear shot, her: "how do you know these posts do you have twitter" me: "no haha I twitter stalked him ofc[/SARCASM]"


    She told him, he got mad etc. Then I noticed she started ignoring me, so one night at a party: "hey sorry if I've pissed you off somehow but seriously why are you ignoring me"; her reply: "you can't say sorry for what you've done, nothing makes up for taking pictures of me and stalking my twitter" and stormed off (shortly before she'd asked me to share my food, BITCH). Most people who knew me didn't buy into it, but pretty much the rest of the school did, not nice.


    Kind of confused, did I actually do anything wrong apart from take a joke too far to deserve that?
    I'd first like to thank you for making this thread. I have never participated in anonymous confessions, so I feel like this would be a rather funny experience.

    Anyhoo, here's my story:

    It was in 7th grade, and one day during lunch I was doodling in my notebook and a friend of mine noticed it. I was drawing myself as a stick figure and he said "Hey, lemmie see that." I gave him my notebook and he drew a GIGANTIC dick on my stick figure drawing. My other friends had noticed this, and they thought it was rather funny. Another friend of mine asked for the notebook, and he drew a dick ON that dick. And everyday for the whole month we would each take turns drawing a dick in my notebook. One notable drawing was of a first person shooter themed illustration of a man buttfucking another guy, in which a caption came up which stated "Press X to fuck". One day, my friends and I were going through the notebook, having a good laugh, when the dean of students spotted us laughing at the notebook at walked towards our table. Our dean is probably the most evil person you will ever meet. We called her the "fun police" because she would always yell at us for literally laughing and having fun. She had walked over to our table, and took the notebook out of my hands. She flipped through a couple pages, and told me to stay after lunch. That whole lunch period my friends and I were constantly telling me that I was fucked. But, I came up with a devious plan to get myself out of the situation. After lunch, I had stayed, and the dean walked over to me and asked me "What in the world is this monstrosity?" while flipping through pages. She stopped on the "Press X to fuck" page, in which she merely whispered "Oh my." I said "This was my math notebook that I had accidentally left here yesterday, and this is what was in it when I found it." The dean nodded and said "So what you're saying is that this was the work of students of another period, hm?" I said yes, and she said "Well I'm thankful that you told me the truth, but I'm afraid I'm going to give you a detention for not reporting this." I accepted it, only relieved that I wouldn't get in trouble for drawing penises by the fun police.
    If only the police were really this fun.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Windows 7 Canada Show Events Funny Funny x 16Optimistic Optimistic x 1 (list)

  28. Post #588
    Scarbo's Avatar
    January 2010
    453 Posts
    There was this girl in school I thought was hot, everyone knew it and she didn't want me unless she needed change for bus fare. I knew this and held off, plenty of achievable fish in the sea.


    She takes photos of everyone all the time. When she said "I hate people taking pics of me" I naturally pulled out a camera(phone) in front of her and took a picture, she got mad, I gave the phone to her for her to delete it.


    One day I managed to piss off one of her friends (asshole to me), someone sent me his twitter and it was actually the funniest thing I've ever read. I accidentally mentioned it with her in ear shot, her: "how do you know these posts do you have twitter" me: "no haha I twitter stalked him ofc[/SARCASM]"


    She told him, he got mad etc. Then I noticed she started ignoring me, so one night at a party: "hey sorry if I've pissed you off somehow but seriously why are you ignoring me"; her reply: "you can't say sorry for what you've done, nothing makes up for taking pictures of me and stalking my twitter" and stormed off (shortly before she'd asked me to share my food, BITCH). Most people who knew me didn't buy into it, but pretty much the rest of the school did, not nice.


    Kind of confused, did I actually do anything wrong apart from take a joke too far to deserve that?
    I feel like I want to help him but the confession is so poorly structured. Sounds like she's a mega-bitch though.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Windows 7 Australia Show Events Agree Agree x 14 (list)

  29. Post #589
    Gold Member
    buttered_toast's Avatar
    April 2011
    942 Posts
    I found this on lolsaywhat
    In high school we used to be able to send candy grams on valentines day or whatever.
    Well there was this kid who didn't have any friends. He was an only child and apparently his mother had lost an unborn fetus from a car accident.
    They baww'ed over it and had a funeral and everything (she was only 3 months pregnant).
    We had homeroom together and valentines came and he got his candy gram, that I had sent.
    As he was handed it his face lit up, until he began to read the card.
    The card read:
    To: Chris
    From: Your Dead Baby Sister
    Location: Hell
    I'm going to Hell for laughing at that.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Windows 7 United States Show Events Funny Funny x 33Dumb Dumb x 2Winner Winner x 1 (list)

  30. Post #590
    Chernzobog's Avatar
    March 2011
    1,075 Posts
    that's fucking hellarious
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Windows XP United States Show Events Zing Zing x 8Disagree Disagree x 4Agree Agree x 1 (list)

  31. Post #591
    looking rad, feeling sad
    Slowbro's Avatar
    April 2011
    4,406 Posts
    I'll just start off by saying, sorry if this bores anyone. I don't really have too many interesting confessions I guess but meh.

    - Ever since I was younger I was always shy around people, this included even my own family though not as greatly as with strangers. Surprisingly though, through out grade school I was able to make a few friends here and there because I was good at soccer and kids wanted me on their team during recess. However, as soon as I hit middle school reality hit me a bit and that bit of shyness slammed me in the face and turned into something a thousand times worse. The few friends that I had made back in grade school were zoned for a different middle school, so I was left to myself. I was always missing days. I probably racked up about 30-40 absences during the first year of middle school. My mom was always soft and I could easily ask her to stay home. Some days she was a bit tougher and I had to tell her I didn't feel good, and others I would pretend to miss my bus when I knew she wouldn't be able to take me to school. I even went as far to stay out in the woods during the school day and then come back and act like I had gone and everything. Middle school also introduced two things I wasn't used to and didn't care for at all. One- presentations and two- group projects. When we had to do group projects, I dreaded hearing the next sentence out of my teacher's mouth- "Find partners". Everytime this happened I just sat at my desk and pretended to be busy looking over the assignment. We had an odd number of students in the class so I couldn't be saved by a group being short and having to ask me to join and my teacher would always walk right by me. She saw I was alone but she never offered to help me find a group and it usually took all I had to not start crying at my desk. It was embarrassing and it made me feel downright pathetic. When it came to presentations, I wouldn't do them. The teacher would give us the assignment and I would go home and do the project, but I would just keep it in my closet afterwards. I did this because the first time we did presentations, I brought mine to school and tried to just hand it in. My teacher shook her head at me and told me I'd have to present it. I pointed out that the presentation was worth 20 points and that she could just deduct those but she wouldn't hear of it. Every time we had presentations I knew my grades would drop so I would try my hardest to make it up by doing great on tests and doing other homework. I loved learning and I loved the aspect of school- I just hated the people in it. I hated the people. I don't know if any of you on FP have social anxiety but it made that first year of school an absolute nightmare. All throughout the day my heart would pound and I would shake and feel nervous and sick- like I was about to throw up. It took a lot to get through the day without bursting into tears constantly. By 7th grade I was fed up with it. I started leaving fake suicide notes around the house where I knew my mom would find them. I also started cutting myself and punching concrete walls- anything to leave marks and scars on my arms and legs. I didn't 'like' pain I just wanted my mom to see them. She took notice and took me to a therapist and I outright lied and told him I wanted to die and that I would do it. I didn't want to take my life, I just wanted to get out of school. I know you guys are probably thinking 'hurr home school' but that wasn't an option for me. Anyway, I wound up landing into several different mental institutions because of that. I would get out and land myself right back in. By the time I was 15 I legally dropped out of school and spent most of my time locked in my room. I'm 21 now and to this day, I don't and haven't left the house. The farthest I go is the porch and that's it. I want to change, but at the same time I don't. I don't know who to go to about it. I feel too awkward to talk to my mom about it so I feel stuck.

    - Because of ^ I have no friends. And I literally mean none. There's people out there that will say 'OMG LOL I HAVE NO FRIENDS' and then they'll text a couple people. If someone told me to send a message to a friend, I'd have not one single person, not even an acquaintance.

    -When I was 16 I got the idea to stick a tampon up my butt while I masturbated. It felt really good. I stopped after my mom was confused about how she was going through so many though.

    -When I was in 4th grade I went over to a friend's house when his parents weren't there to play some games. He went to the bathroom and while he was in there I looked around his house. His parents had a giant blow up beer can in their bedroom and I humped it for a few mins until I heard the bathroom door open and then I just pretended to be looking at his parents clock. I went to his house a few times after just to hump that beer can.

    -A couple years ago I used to play WoW and I was DESPERATE for someone to love me. I made a girl blood elf and would talk to guys and pretend to be a girl by the name of Rebecca. I led a guy on for about 8 months and then just stopped talking to him because he kept wanting me to use mic/call him and it got to be too much of a hassle to lie about it most every day.

    -I like the feeling of pulling hairs out from my butt. Not the hairs that are already there, but long hairs from me or my mom. I took a shower once and my butt itched and I scratched the crack and felt something- pulled on it and it turned out to be a hair. Just the feeling- I can't explain it. I really can't.

    -If I get horny, I wait til later to eat so that I can ejaculate into my food. If I don't feel like waiting and I'm not in the mood at the time, I'll just do it into my drink. It doesn't really do anything to the taste besides make it a bit salty, I just like the thought of doing it.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Mac United Kingdom Show Events Dumb Dumb x 13 (list)

  32. Post #592
    WubWubWompWomp's Avatar
    June 2011
    1,479 Posts
    I'll just start off by saying, sorry if this bores anyone. I don't really have too many interesting confessions I guess but meh.

    - Ever since I was younger I was always shy around people, this included even my own family though not as greatly as with strangers. Surprisingly though, through out grade school I was able to make a few friends here and there because I was good at soccer and kids wanted me on their team during recess. However, as soon as I hit middle school reality hit me a bit and that bit of shyness slammed me in the face and turned into something a thousand times worse. The few friends that I had made back in grade school were zoned for a different middle school, so I was left to myself. I was always missing days. I probably racked up about 30-40 absences during the first year of middle school. My mom was always soft and I could easily ask her to stay home. Some days she was a bit tougher and I had to tell her I didn't feel good, and others I would pretend to miss my bus when I knew she wouldn't be able to take me to school. I even went as far to stay out in the woods during the school day and then come back and act like I had gone and everything. Middle school also introduced two things I wasn't used to and didn't care for at all. One- presentations and two- group projects. When we had to do group projects, I dreaded hearing the next sentence out of my teacher's mouth- "Find partners". Everytime this happened I just sat at my desk and pretended to be busy looking over the assignment. We had an odd number of students in the class so I couldn't be saved by a group being short and having to ask me to join and my teacher would always walk right by me. She saw I was alone but she never offered to help me find a group and it usually took all I had to not start crying at my desk. It was embarrassing and it made me feel downright pathetic. When it came to presentations, I wouldn't do them. The teacher would give us the assignment and I would go home and do the project, but I would just keep it in my closet afterwards. I did this because the first time we did presentations, I brought mine to school and tried to just hand it in. My teacher shook her head at me and told me I'd have to present it. I pointed out that the presentation was worth 20 points and that she could just deduct those but she wouldn't hear of it. Every time we had presentations I knew my grades would drop so I would try my hardest to make it up by doing great on tests and doing other homework. I loved learning and I loved the aspect of school- I just hated the people in it. I hated the people. I don't know if any of you on FP have social anxiety but it made that first year of school an absolute nightmare. All throughout the day my heart would pound and I would shake and feel nervous and sick- like I was about to throw up. It took a lot to get through the day without bursting into tears constantly. By 7th grade I was fed up with it. I started leaving fake suicide notes around the house where I knew my mom would find them. I also started cutting myself and punching concrete walls- anything to leave marks and scars on my arms and legs. I didn't 'like' pain I just wanted my mom to see them. She took notice and took me to a therapist and I outright lied and told him I wanted to die and that I would do it. I didn't want to take my life, I just wanted to get out of school. I know you guys are probably thinking 'hurr home school' but that wasn't an option for me. Anyway, I wound up landing into several different mental institutions because of that. I would get out and land myself right back in. By the time I was 15 I legally dropped out of school and spent most of my time locked in my room. I'm 21 now and to this day, I don't and haven't left the house. The farthest I go is the porch and that's it. I want to change, but at the same time I don't. I don't know who to go to about it. I feel too awkward to talk to my mom about it so I feel stuck.

    - Because of ^ I have no friends. And I literally mean none. There's people out there that will say 'OMG LOL I HAVE NO FRIENDS' and then they'll text a couple people. If someone told me to send a message to a friend, I'd have not one single person, not even an acquaintance.

    -When I was 16 I got the idea to stick a tampon up my butt while I masturbated. It felt really good. I stopped after my mom was confused about how she was going through so many though.

    -When I was in 4th grade I went over to a friend's house when his parents weren't there to play some games. He went to the bathroom and while he was in there I looked around his house. His parents had a giant blow up beer can in their bedroom and I humped it for a few mins until I heard the bathroom door open and then I just pretended to be looking at his parents clock. I went to his house a few times after just to hump that beer can.

    -A couple years ago I used to play WoW and I was DESPERATE for someone to love me. I made a girl blood elf and would talk to guys and pretend to be a girl by the name of Rebecca. I led a guy on for about 8 months and then just stopped talking to him because he kept wanting me to use mic/call him and it got to be too much of a hassle to lie about it most every day.

    -I like the feeling of pulling hairs out from my butt. Not the hairs that are already there, but long hairs from me or my mom. I took a shower once and my butt itched and I scratched the crack and felt something- pulled on it and it turned out to be a hair. Just the feeling- I can't explain it. I really can't.

    -If I get horny, I wait til later to eat so that I can ejaculate into my food. If I don't feel like waiting and I'm not in the mood at the time, I'll just do it into my drink. It doesn't really do anything to the taste besides make it a bit salty, I just like the thought of doing it.
    You're the only one who can fix those problems, so stop being a whinging bitch, get off Facepunch, go out to the beach, and force yourself to speak to people. Maybe only order an Ice cream or something, but that's a start.

    Also, therapy AND BE HONEST, they can do nothing for you if you keep being a little bitch and don't let them help you.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Windows 7 Australia Show Events Agree Agree x 11Winner Winner x 3 (list)

  33. Post #593
    Gold Member
    Bytecry's Avatar
    February 2010
    5,459 Posts
    I don't see hope for v8 at this rate.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Windows Vista United Kingdom Show Events Agree Agree x 3Disagree Disagree x 1 (list)

  34. Post #594
    Yandere Princess
    Alice3173's Avatar
    April 2010
    22,290 Posts
    You guys sure are impatient as fuck. Hezzy only updated once or twice a week. OogalaBoogal is updating every day or two and you are still complaining. You guys make me look patient...
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Windows 7 United States Show Events Agree Agree x 38Dumb Dumb x 1 (list)

  35. Post #595
    Gold Member
    GoDong-DK's Avatar
    November 2009
    14,849 Posts
    I don't see hope for v8 at this rate.
    It's not like threads gets better with when it gets a new title, that's just the LMAO pics v100 circlejerk shit.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Windows 8 Denmark Show Events Agree Agree x 10 (list)

  36. Post #596
    Gold Member
    Samiam22's Avatar
    January 2008
    7,244 Posts
    I thought I had done some fucked up things, but after reading some of these, I changed my mind. You give me hope, FP.

    Somehow.

  37. Post #597
    Gold Member
    Sir Whoopsalot's Avatar
    August 2010
    23,057 Posts
    -If I get horny, I wait til later to eat so that I can ejaculate into my food. If I don't feel like waiting and I'm not in the mood at the time, I'll just do it into my drink. It doesn't really do anything to the taste besides make it a bit salty, I just like the thought of doing it.
    Okay, that's just nasty.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Windows 7 Netherlands Show Events Agree Agree x 30Disagree Disagree x 2 (list)

  38. Post #598
    Gold Member
    OogalaBoogal's Avatar
    November 2008
    4,079 Posts
    Bad news everyone, no new confessions. I'd really like it if you guys sent in some more.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Windows 7 Canada Show Events Friendly Friendly x 17Funny Funny x 1Useful Useful x 1 (list)

  39. Post #599
    Gold Member
    OogalaBoogal's Avatar
    November 2008
    4,079 Posts
    My confessions really aren't anything extraordinary compared to some of the others, but I wouldn't openly talk about this stuff:


    When I was 11, I discovered porn and jerking off etc. When my parents were out shopping/working and stuff, I would do the deed. My dog was very curious about what I was doing, and would try and lick my winky. I would always kick her out of my room. Except one day, when I was watching a blowjob, I wondered, and I mean really wondered what it was like. My dog walks in, I push her away (forgot, she was 6 at the time, golden lab/retriever mix. Still have her), but then I had an idea. She came back and I let her lick about 10 times before I conquered my hormones. I kicked her out, and felt bad. I am not a furry, and I have a healthy sex life. I had even completely forgotten about it until I read an earlier confession :S. Nothing has happened since, and that was many years ago now. Plus, it didn't even feel good.




    This was the same year (extreme hormones waaaaaaaaaah). We had gone on a family trip to Europe, it was great, but I was without porn and couldn't find time to "relieve" myself. We were now in Italy, though I forget which city now. As I was only 12, and we rented 2 rooms for 4 of us (mom, dad, older brother by 7 years), I had to share a bed. My brother wouldn't do it, so my parents let me sleep in the middle. So, eventually it's bed time, and we go to sleep. Fast forward 5 hours and I am the only one awake. I woke up with a raging boner, and I was squished between my mom and dad. I had to go pee too, but didn't want to wake them. So, I jerked off. Slowly, and quietly. Oh my god, it was so weird and freaky. I don't know why I just didn't get up a go take a piss. It took forever and I finally finished, and went back to sleep. Forgot about it basically the next day.






    This one isn't sexual or anything, but I don't tell many people about it. A few years ago in Grade 6, I think, the class was doing some arm wrestling for fun. I wasn't very strong, and I was pretty thin too. The girl I had a massive crush on wanted to arm wrestle me. She won. I felt like a wimp! I sort of redeemed myself by winning left arm wrestles (I am right handed) against everyone, but it still damaged my ego/confidence w/e. Since then, I have been working out. I am now easily one of the strongest kids in my grade (10, and maybe even compared to higher) as I exercise with weights on an almost daily basis(usually 6 days a week), on top of PE class. My confidence is at an all time high, and I get compliments on my physique a lot.




    I really recommend you guys to take up some form of exercise, it really helps in every way. I find it for a great time to think as well. You've just gotta find something to drive you.




    I don't feel like proof reading this, so hopefully everything makes sense haha.

  40. Post #600
    I bought this title for 1 dollar
    titopei's Avatar
    April 2009
    8,518 Posts
    Ok. Second confession. This one is happened about 6 or 7 years ago. This was when I was still in primary school. It was year 6th and every year 6th class got the chance to become a "Buddy". Now what a buddy is looking after the little kids, making sure they're safe, access into normally restricted places. Stuff like that. They would pull you out about 10 minutes before lunch time to help prepare the little kids food. But all the buddy's had one designated child. These weren't any special kids, just kids who were new, had trouble making friends, stuff like that.

    Now after about 2 days of just generally cleaning up and looking after my friend I decided to help out with my friends buddy. I knew her name was Charlie but hadn't seen her. Anyway, I'm looking for my friend and he tells me to look after her while going to clean himself up (He had food literally on his clothes because of the kids) I'm shouting her name out until on the adults point her out for me. Then I see her, beautiful long blonde hair, cute green eyes, crinkle cut noise. Perfection.

    After seeing her I got a raging boner, at first I was confused what was happening then about 10 minutes I realised why. I had a thing for small kids. Now, I was only about 12 but I was smart. I knew I couldn't let this affect me because hell, I didn't want to sign the sex offender list and I didn't want to go to jail. Anyway I lift her up and her ass graze my penis and it get's stiff. I knew this was wrong and it sickens me to this day .

    I went to the males bathroom, got her in a stall and locked the door and I unzipped my pants. I gave her simple instructions on how to jerk me off and she complied. It felt amazing. At this point I didn't care for anything except that. After she'd finished I took off all her clothes and just felt her up. It felt so good. I had her under my control. After some very heavy petting I finished off and got her dressed. I felt like shit. I wanted to commit suicide after that.

    Now it hits 3:30 and I'm out of there like the fucking flash. But I see her walking with her dad and I just felt so bad. I didn't go home. I went to church and prayed. I prayed and told him everything that happened. It's 5 - 6 years later. I've stopped going but I still feel like absolute shit when I think about it.
    Church and pedophilia. I think this is how Priests are bred.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Windows XP United States Show Events Agree Agree x 7Funny Funny x 3Disagree Disagree x 1 (list)