Settle in, get your reading glasses on. Here it is.
"So I moved into my house about six years ago, and had one really awesome gaming neighbor and one family on the other side that we rarely saw.
The gaming neighbor hated the woman from the couple that lived next door to me, and often complained she was a drunk. I never really saw her, but at the time, I worked nights.
My cool gaming neighbor moved away a few months later (landlord issues) and then it all seemed to happen at once. The kids from the family next door broke out every window on the house on the other side of me. The cops were called by the landlord, and they watched and caught the kids going back to the empty house and breaking more stuff. In all, they did about $15,000 in damage to the house, which included breaking every single window on the house. That was all we heard out of the neighbors for a couple years.
A couple of years later, the lady from next door shows up and insists we let her take my daughter to Vacation Bible School at her church. My daughter is only two and I don’t know this lady, so I say no. She takes great offense to it and starts staring at us every time we come or go.
A couple of weeks later, I get notified in the middle of the night that a 911 call has been placed from my house, and that someone is trying to kick in my front door. My wife was pregnant at the time, and was at home with my eldest daughter.. Come to find out, it is the woman from next door, drunk out of her mind. She thinks she is at her house, has been out at a bar, drove home in this state of mind, gotten involved in TWO Hit and Run accidents on the way there, and then parked her vehicle in my driveway. She then thought her husband had the locks changed on her, so she is trying to kick in the front door and to break out the window on my front porch. (Her house doesn’t even have a window on the front porch, by the way.) So, the police arrived and got everything under control, and arrested her for public intoxication and asked if we wanted to press attempted breaking and entering charges. We decide against it, as it is a neighbor, and we don’t want to have any problems with them.
A couple of weeks later, the police are called by the neighbor, whom shall be referred to here-on out as “Crazy Lady.” Crazy Lady has decided to file a Police report against me, as I had apparently sent demons to possess her husband and prevent him from going to church. He apparently wanted to stay at home that day, so this was obviously my fault. Never mind the fact that I had never even talked to the man. This, of course, is written off, and nothing comes from it.
She apparently starts beating the hell out of him, and starts getting arrested on a regular occasion. The police, fire department, and EMS are at their house at least once a week for months. He ran some sort of computer business out of their house, and she destroyed about $50,000 in computer equipment one day (several servers, a high dollar switch, lots of misc equipment like monitors, etc…) so he ends up leaving her.
A few months later, my wife has given birth to my second daughter. She is four days old when a close friend of mine asks if I can help him mod a computer case. I agree, and so we are up late, out in the garage, working on this computer case. I have the side door (nearest her house) propped open with a fan, to ventilate the fumes from the paint we are using. At some point in the middle of the night, I dropped a tool and it clanged loudly. That was it. We finish working on the case and my friend leaves. I go back in the house and get ready for bed. At about 2AM someone knocks on my door. I think it is my friend who must have forgotten something. Nope, it was the cops, with guns drawn. They pull me out of the house and ask what has happened to my wife. I start to panic, and begin to wonder; What HAS happened to my wife? I thought she was sleeping in our room. Had she left? They demand to see her and come in the house. My wife had woken up with the baby and was nursing her at the time. The police ask her to step outside and she does. They ask her if she is ok, and she is, and doesn’t understand what is going on. They realize they have been duped and explain to us that Crazy Lady heard my wife and I out in my garage for several hours arguing (my wife had never been out there, and both my friend and myself have deep voices). Crazy Lady had said this progressed into a fistfight, and then I had grabbed a tool and started beating my wife until I had finally beaten her to death right there on the garage floor, while Crazy Lady had watched through the propped open door… This, of course, is written off, and nothing comes from it.
THE NEXT DAY the Police show up at my house, and say they have been notified that I had beaten my wife severely. They talk to her and they talk to me, and see it isn’t true and leave.
A FEW HOURS LATER the Police show up at my house. They ask if I know what has happened to my neighbor’s car, and I say no, and they say have a nice day and leave.
A few minutes later, they come back and ask me if I chew tobacco. I say no, and they say have a nice day and leave.
A few minutes later, they come back and say I need to step outside and settle something with my neighbor, because she is claiming I vandalized her car. I go outside in a raging fury at this point. Crazy Lady is claiming that I spit my chewing tobacco all over her car. I have never even chewed tobacco, let alone vandalized a car, and I honestly lose it at this point. I don’t think I have ever been pissed off so badly in my entire life… I yell, I scream, I call her every name in the book and use curse words that had probably never even been invented yet… I can’t remember the entire screaming match, there in our front lawns, but here are some highlights.
She claimed that after she called the police on me in the middle of the night, I sought out my revenge by walking to her car and spitting chewing tobacco on it. She claimed that she watched me do this from the window and that she witnessed the whole thing. I demanded to know why the hell someone would supposedly watch someone vandalize their property and then wait over TWELVE HOURS to call the cops. I vehemently explained that I do not and never have chewed tobacco. She states, very matter-of-factly that of course I chew tobacco; Why else would I have my door propped open while I worked in the garage? I was spitting chew on my sidewalk outside that door all night long. I am literally seeing red at this point, and scream at her that if I had been spitting tobacco on my sidewalk all night long, there would still be some there, now wouldn’t there. She says of course, it is all over my sidewalk, and takes one of the cops over to show him. The sidewalk is spotless. This obviously confuses her, and at this point (yeah, I am apparently slow if it took me this long) I realize that she is not just a drunk, she is not just mean, she is honest to God certifiably CRAZY and honestly believes the crap that she is spewing…
She still insists that she saw me do this. She then goes on to explain to me that “You are really stupid because the splatter patterns of the tobacco prove the angle and velocity of the spit would have come at an angle equal to exactly where someone of your height would be standing after they walked to my car from your house. And furthermore, if you had any real intelligence you would have walked around to the other side of the car before vandalizing it.” At this point she looks very smug and satisfied like she is the lawyer in a big court case that just proved their case beyond a shadow of a doubt. I then scream “YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING ENTIRELY TOO MUCH C.S.I.! YOU BETTER CALL GIL FUNKING GRISSOM OUT HERE TO DOUBLE CHECK YOUR WORK!” I go on to explain to her that if I ever decide to mess with her car, it will be a hell of a lot more than spitting on it.
At this point, the officers are barely containing laughter every time I go off on her and rolling their eyes every time she talks. One even stands behind her and starts rolling their finger beside their head in the universal “crazy” sign. One officer FINALLY steps in and asks her to show him exactly what damage has been done to her car. She walks over and starts pointing out spots to him and he looks at her in dead seriousness and yells “THAT’S BIRD SHIT LADY!” To which she promptly replies “No, it’s chewing tobacco. There are different kinds you know. This must just be a kind that you are not familiar with that looks just like bird shit.”
The officer walks back to me and apologizes profusely at wasting my time and tells me I can go back into my house. I tell him that I want it in the call notes for future reference that she blatantly lied, that it was bird shit, and that she keeps calling the cops on me for bullshit reasons. I then tell her that if she EVER calls the cops on me again, I will press charges against her for harassment. She then claims that if it really were birds that crapped on her car that I probably sent them over there. I then tell them that this is exactly the crap I put up with from her and I WILL press charges the next time it happens. The officer tells her that if she ever calls in something like this again he will arrest her for filing a false police report and obstructing an officer.
Then about two weeks later, DHS shows up at my house and says I am under investigation because they have received a report from one of my neighbors that I have starved both my children nearly to death, they are malnourished, and sickly, and that I have guns and knives and drugs laying around my house for them to play with. She has to come in and talk to the kids and sees there is absolutely nothing wrong with them or the house and doesn’t understand why someone would say otherwise. I explain to her all of the above story with my neighbor, and she says “Oh, well, by law I am not allowed to reveal who called us, but I can tell you that I think the crap you have gone through with this particular neighbor may be of value to our investigation, and to the haste at which we drop the investigation and show you as cleared. I can also say that it is not uncommon for people to use us as a source to get at someone for revenge, just because we are not allowed to reveal who it was.” So everything was clear and dropped within a few days, and nothing ever came from it. But now I truly hate the lady. To jack with me is one thing. To jack with my family is another...
Then a couple of weeks later, the police department’s “action center” shows up. These are the people who deal with complaints like uncut grass, untrimmed trees, broken down cars, etc. They have received an anonymous tip from one of my neighbors that I have not mowed my lawn in months. They can’t see anything wrong with it, so they just give me a “verbal warning” and leave.
Then I don’t hear anything out of Crazy Lady in about two years.
Then, she starts dating this guy and he is obviously as batty as she is. After about a week, he is living there with her.
A couple weeks after that, there is a knock on my door around 11pm. It’s the cops and Crazy Lady. The police shove her into my house and say I have to let her stay there. I say no because she is crazy and we have bad history. The officer says I don’t have a choice because there is a hostage situation next door.
The initial story is that the crazy guy living there now decided he was going to kill her and her two kids and then kill himself. She had managed to slip out of the house and left her two kids there with him, and hoping that he wouldn’t kill them.
After a short time, her story changed to he was mad and so SHE got the gun because she didn’t want him to have it, and he took it away from her, so she ran out and called the cops.
At this point, the SWAT team has set up their command center in my front yard and ordered me to stay inside with all my doors locked and all my lights off, and to keep her in there with me.
She starts turning on all my lights that shine out on the SWAT guys, lighting them up and blinding them. They keep coming in and telling ME to keep it all off. I explain she is doing it and ask they take her somewhere else and they refuse. She starts running out to her house, getting between the cops and the house and yelling for them to please not hurt him, he really is a good man. I start hoping they all end up killing each other.
Crazy guy won’t release the kids and has barricaded himself in the house. Crazy Lady keeps running in and out, trying to distract the cops, trying to shine lights on the cops, trying to sneak back into her house, calling all her friends and family and telling them about the whole ordeal, and opening all my doors and windows.
I make numerous calls to the police telling them to get her out of my house. They refuse. I finally explain to them that she is putting MY life and MY family in danger and if they can’t get her under control I will shoot her myself. They politely escort her to a safe location. This was at about 3AM. The standoff lasts another several hours and ends with him surrendering and being hauled off to jail.
I find out the next day that they evacuated the neighborhood, EXCEPT for my house, where not only did they not bother trying to evacuate ME, they put the person he was pissed off at in there with me.
Three days later, he is back.
They yell and scream at each other for a few weeks, but stay to themselves.
Then he leaves her.
All is quiet for several weeks.
Then my daughter kicks a ball over the fence into Crazy Lady’s back yard. I thought about telling her too bad, it’s gone and forgetting about it. I thought about jumping the fence and getting it myself. Then decided that just because Crazy Lady is crazy, my daughter shouldn’t lose her favorite supersize ball, and I shouldn’t jump a fence and have her shoot me and claim I was breaking in. So I go to the house and knock on the door. She answers and I politely ask for my daughter’s ball back and she gets it. Then she starts apologizing to me profusely. She tells me that she knows she must seem crazy and that she has treated me wrong over the last several years and that I have been a great neighbor and she is sorry and it was all the fault of the guy she was dating because he really was crazy and he got her to do crazy things and now he is gone and she would never let him come back because life is so much better away from him and he is crazy and dangerous and she is sorry for trying to break into my house and she wasn’t drunk, someone had slipped her a roofie because they wanted to rape her and she doesn’t drink and she is back on her meds and everything is all better now and she is fine. And the whole time she is rambling I am backing away as politely as possible, nodding my head, smiling, and trying not to run away screaming.
Three day later, Crazy Guy has returned.
A few days later, the supersize ball that my daughter had kicked over the fence and leave in the back yard was slashed.
A few days later (yesterday), my wife’s car gets egged. There are two empty egg cartons on Crazy Lady’s front porch.
Today there is a shopping cart with tires in it in their front yard… Who knows what will happen next."[/release]
What she looks like
You know that rough look from a hard life of drinking and drugs look? Actually, being dead serious, if you want to know exactly what she looks like, watch the Goonies... Remember Mama Fratelli? She was also the lady in Throw Mama From the Train? She looks EXACTLY like a LITTLE BIT younger version of her...[/release]
egging the car