Have you thought about seeing a counselor or even a psychiatrist, I'm not sure those feelings are entirely helpful when you're growing up.
I regret everything.
God dammit, why do I even fucking... ergh
Jesus fucking christ
My dog has pancreatic cancer... :(
I'm a chronic insomniac with social anxiety and panic disorder.
I'm biromantic but asexual, which is also a bit of an issue, because there's a girl I like and I have a feeling she likes me too. The thing is that she's likely to want sex at some point and I'm not comfortable with that at all. I don't think I can explain to her how I feel about that, and if I can, I don't think she'll want to be in a relationship with me.
Today I lost everything.
Disclaimer: I'm going to write this the best I can, mainly to get things out, but I know it wont solve anything. I'm not very good at writing detailed easy to follow stories
Well like I said it, today I lost everything. No, nobody in my family was hurt, nor did I lose anyone close to me. In my eyes this is bigger than that. I have two very special friends who have been close to me and sought out an entire future with them. They've been my idols, they've been my favourite people in the world, enough for me to never long for a girlfriend.
This recent event is one of those life turning events.
With my friends, we had plans to become very successful in life. They are very smart. Unlike most people, we had everything planed out on how we would obtain money, what our careers would be every step of the way, and where we would be doing this. It was nice, almost surreal.
What we planned was within what's left of our highschool years we'd being developing games. Very simple, but we all enjoyed it, we all had a good start on it, and it'd make money. Following highschool we planned on moving to Washington, continuing this established career. Mainly because we could all agree that we just loved the state, but also to find an office and the fact that we live in Utah, so I'd rather move away. Later on it got a bit more vague and extreme, but we even planned that aswell. Personally I wanted to keep up with this development for a while, then invest and save enough money to start a business or fund augmentation development. Main goal was a chance at living forever. Mainly because I love humans, their interaction, history and everything that follows. Yes this latter half is quite extreme, but why not? Obviously we had backup plans, but I could never see any other way besides the most perfect path. I didn't completely understand their choice if things didn't go right, and oddly it excluded everyone else in this.
With all of this into consideration you could see how important my friends are to me.
I'm not sure if I'm a selfish prick, very rude to people, and egotistical, I most likely am and that's what I hear a lot of the time. Previously I've got in numerous verbal fights with my friends, jeopardized quite a bit, but it was something out of what I felt, I just am terrible and portraying it. Usually it was over what I thought was mistreatment from them, and now I realize was always, and I mean always, myself. One of them also got a girlfriend which split a lot of my time with them, but I tried to handle it so we could retain a good relationship, by becoming friends with her. It worked very well and now I see her as at an equal friend with my others, and most likely to tag along with us in our lives. It wasn't perfect though, It's still been troublesome with her influence on it and the momentum she has with influencing her boyfriend. Now that I think about it it's never been that bad, he's handled it well, but apparently I thought otherwise. More recently, things were thrown away once again, started by me.
By god I am an idiot.
Last night his girlfriend was in distress, I thought it otherwise and looked at it as jealousy from him hanging out with us, and being away from her at the time. It was something entirely different. He leaves at 2:00am to go see what was wrong with her. I was stupid enough to think that with us being only mere 16, he'd get caught after curfew, jeopardize what he had (mainly due to his parents being relatively controlling), overall I worried about him, but I took it into a negative sense. He returns an hour later, I was irrationally furious. I began to yell at him for it, but I couldn't portray what I was actually thinking. This anger, it took over me and caused me to become extremely irrational and put everything at stake. The more I talked the more he responded defending himself and my assumptions and irrationality became more evident. I threatened our friendship, I threatened everything, and I brought up other false claims that I felt (such as jealousy etc.) but in the complete negative sense full of unreasonable anger. I saw what I was doing wrong and began to stay silent while he got out what ever he needed to finish. I'm so fucking stupid.
After, he leaves us hanging out, both of my friends go home, and I sit there in distress, realizing what I've done.
Today I apologized, stated I was being irrational. It's not official, everything we had planned is at stake over something I could have easily changed at that time. It's that fork in the road where there's two paths, I took the more hostile one that brought me to a pit of spikes. Right now I feel as if I should just end my life. I can't handle myself anymore, I can't portray what I'm thinking ever, and I just ruin others lives. Not to mention that I've obviously got nothing to live for if this doesn't turn out as planned. I care about them too much to see anything else I do jeopardize even more. I'm fucking full of terrible qualities that you could probably pick out from this story (selfish, egotistical etc.). After all of this I'm contemplating just ending it. Killing myself seems to be the only route in my eyes. I'm sorry.
I'm going off my prozac since i'm not really depressed anymore. I'm just going to ask my doctor about xanax though for anxiety.
You talk about how you've been an "selfish prick" in the past. Well, I have to tell you, almost everyone has gone through an "asshole phase" where they realize "wow, I've really been a shithead" the most important part is that you recognize what the issue is so that in the future you can be more patient and lenient with your friends.
You seem to quickly fall into despair at the first notion that your plans might fall apart. I'm worried about your mental health if you are so shaky that a single fight can cause you to contemplate suicide.
Is there something else you're not telling us?
Really? Let me tell you something. NOTHING EVER GOES ACCORDING TO PLAN. I'm betting that even if this whole Washington video game developer plan gets off the ground (which I doubt because you're only in high school) its going to fall apart soon after. It's way too ambitious.
Yes you do have something to live for. You have your future.
You're future doesn't depend upon these two high-school friends, although, you have become convinced otherwise. If you are truly determined to become a developer then nothing can stop you. Go to college. Study hard. You will succeed, your life isn't and shouldn't be dependent upon other people. You are you! You own your own life and only you have the power to make something out of yourself. Don't take it away. Don't stop all of this.
Best of luck.
I was joking with my friend about my anti-depressants, and this kid fucks with the most dangerous shit you can, aderall mixed with THC, LSD, crack, you name it, he does it. So I jokingly said "You probably want to crush and snort my Prozac don't you?" and he immediately goes serious and says "I've lost two friends to anti-depressants. Don't fuck with that"
I woke up feeling really depressed, and worried about my grandma. I really don't wanna go to summer school today but I know it will be met with "Well just do the best you can" while I know I wont be able to figure out jack shit.
I don't want to drink tap water any more apparently fluoride does all sorts of shitty things to you.
I always feel tired, its 7:54 and I feel like I could sleep right now, hell I've felt that way since 5:30. I have no energy at all and I never feel like doing anything. But mostly I just constantly feel tired.. I don't know what to do about it and its really negatively effecting my life, the last month of school I've been so tired I missed around twenty days of school, because I needed to sleep. When I have been going to school I basically almost fall asleep in class, and I fucking hate going anyway because I'm always so damn nervous all the time...
This is really really fucking with me and I just want it to stop, I have no idea why its happening either. Does anyone else know what's happening to me??
I wish I didn't have such bad anxiety so I could have a job and some real friends.
It sounds like you have a serious problem sleeping:
Option 1: Get yourself into a regimen. Force yourself into bed at a certain time and set your alarm for a certain time to wake up. You have to adjust/normalize your body to a sleep cycle. If you get into bed and can't sleep, you have to lie quietly in bed and just relax. Don't go on the computer/read a book/mess with your ipod.
Option 2: If your sleeplessness persists visit your doctor. You may have insomnia or something similar.
Also you're nervous at school? About what?
Yeah, not gonna lie. Summer school sucks. But most of life is just showing up, so just show up and see what happens. There's not going to be any miracles, and you might end up hating it, but you have to do it and its only one summer of your entire life.
I'm pissed off guys, my parents are alcoholics and don't even talk to me anymore because I got pissed off at them and called them out on their addiction, and I'm scared shitless because my right nut is swollen a bit because I think I have a spermatocele. FUCK, why can't the bad shit in life happen one at a time rather then all at once?
Well, the bright side of it all is that I got my girlfriend back after a whole year without her. Maybe having a swollen nut isn't so bad after all, but it's still scary. I don't want to have my nut sack cut open by doctors while I'm completely helpless on a table.
I really hate my life right now.
I'm still unemployed, I thought I'd get the job at the retirement home but last minute I'm told that I'm not a independent enough worker. Now, most jobs for the summer are already taken and it's very hard to find some place where I could be needed. I still live with my parents, and I have no chance of getting my own place until I have enough money. I hate my room, it's cramped, unorganized, and not somewhere I am proud to take people to visit. I have no real special talents I can use for anything, and I'm a terrible learner due to my short attention span. Almost all of my friends have moved away, the closest thing to a friend I have left is my step-brother that I sometimes play games or watch tv series with. I haven't had a girlfriend since forever, I'm more attracted to women than guys but since I can't get a girl I mostly just have one-night stands with guys to make myself feel better when I get too desperate.
I wish I at least had a job. A job would at least be the beginning of being able to get the hell out of here.
Right now, I mostly just sit around in my room all day and just hope something will happen.
I'm 15, the Fluoxetine (used to treat Depression and OCD for those who don't know) I'm taking isn't working for my depression, took it for 35 days every morning until I forgot it till just after lunch today, my bedroom looked like absolute shit before today, clothes everywhere, dirt, grime, dust all over, just after breakfast I cleaned the entire thing and reorganised all my drawers. My grandma had OCD and I spent a lot of time with her so I'm wondering if the habits rubbed off on me or if I maybe have mild OCD but I doubt it. Just found it funny that I start cleaning the day I forget to take my pill. As for the depression side of things I feel exactly the same as I did before I started the pills and I'm beginning to wonder if this is just how I am, I don't give a damn about anything and I started having to force laughs around my friends so they wouldn't bug me about being weird, they don't know I have it and I don't want to tell them because it just seems attention seeking when I don't care much if I get better anymore.
I'm not sure how long I've actually been "depressed" as such, I'd gotten to the point where I thought everyone felt like I did and nothing really surprised me anymore.
Just not entirely sure what to do anymore, not sure if I should bother trying to get back to normal or not, I think school is making me feel worse as the place is disgusting and the teachers are awful. After I'm done with school I don't really know what I want to do, I'd like to travel and see other places.
I think I forgot a few things I wanted to say, if I remember them I'll edit them in.
I posted this on another forum that is slow as heck, so I'll just stick it here and hopefully someone will get me in the right direction.
I'm open to any questions you might have.
I have panic attacks when I'm in areas with high ceilings. My whole body will just shut down unless I'm holding onto something. It's as if I want to drop onto the floor and scream until someone gets me something I can hold onto. I'm posting this from the Beijing airport, which from the ground floor, the ceiling is about four stories over me. Looking at the floor only works temporarily and looking straight ahead also only works temporarily. Right now I'm in the first class club so the ceiling is only a story on top of me, but I still feel sketchy walking around open spaces. I've been like this ever since I can remember and right now I'm sulking in anxiety from anticipating going back down to the ground floor, much less going to the Shanghai airport. Does anybody experience anything similar to this?
Well there are some conditions outside where I feel panicky, like when I passed near the Epcot sphere or down some shopping plaza in Beijing with huge buildings. I mean I've walked by tall buildings, but for some reasons these really phased me. I don't fucking know, but it blows :/
Christ, I wish I had access to some kind of firearm. Would be incredibly convenient.
Sometimes i just feel that I'm like a fruit, allways going around being scared that other people might peel my skin off.
Trust me, It's a nightmare. I have never heard of anyone else having the same problem as me and i have never talked about
it to anyone, but now it's starting to go to far! It's taking over me completely and i don't know what to do. When i see
people eat fruit i just get a chill down my spine and starting thinking that they will peel of my skin next and eat me!
Sometimes i just think it would be for the best if someone just squeezed me like a lemon and got it done with already.
Can anyone relate to this?
I think i need serious help. :(
The primary characteristic of a phobia is irrationality.
I don't have a big story to tell, nothing bad has happened to me recently, I just feel like shit and its getting worse.
Perhaps it's the lifestyle you live. Maybe it's family and expectations, whether internal or external. Could be something you don't really think about and you've zoned out in your mind. Gotta do some thinking about it.
I ain't a psychologist myself and I don't have that much knowledge on depression, but I'm trying to get the ball rolling here.
I don't mean to detract attention from your post btw, I just want to say my own depressive moods feel like they have crept up out of nowhere.
In the depth of Winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible Summer - Albert Camus
Hey, I was wondering if you guys had any tips for dealing with a specific kind of social nervousness (not sure if I'd call it anxiety, but I do get that); it kicks in mainly when I'm about to order or pay for something. I don't know why, but when I'm at the counter at a shop, I get sweaty as fuck and freeze up and I can never speak. Also happens in large groups of people I don't know, and occasionally when I meet family members I haven't seen in a while. It really fucking annoys me. Does anyone else get this at all?