1. Post #1
    axelord157's Avatar
    April 2012
    1,325 Posts
    With tears in my eyes. Lube on my fingers. And a yearning in my soul. Teach me. Teach me how to fellate myself.

    Do not cast this thread away as a troll thread. You see, arms are only so useful when it comes to life. Writing, drawing, and cradling a mewling babe until it slumbers, blissfully, in your arms.

    I lust to learn, and learn to satisfy my lusts.

    This is a very vibrant community, painted with many shades of the human spirit. I'm hoping to stumble upon the lighter shades of the community. Those willing to teach a young man.

    Any thing you people may bring forth will help in my journey.

    Thanks in great advance fellow facepunchers.

    (User was banned for this post ("Undescriptive thread title/Crap thread" - JohnnyMo1))
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  2. Post #2
    Gold Member
    BloodFox1222's Avatar
    April 2011
    6,282 Posts
    First step is to sever the torso from the legs so you can reach it easier. Come back after you finished doing that.
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  3. Post #3
    White Male seeking K-Pop Harem
    G3rman's Avatar
    January 2012
    3,004 Posts
    Google it, there are plenty of articles.

    Basically, exercise, gain flexibility, and hope you don't break your back.
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  4. Post #4
    Gold Member
    TMBGFan's Avatar
    November 2011
    2,000 Posts
    No worries, OP, I have an easy 5 step plan that will allow you to easily twiddle your dick with your mouth.

    Step 1 -Check your email's spam folder.
    There, you will doubtlessly find hundreds of emails hyping cheap ways to extend your penis.
    Find one and purchase the product within. They should arrive about 3 weeks after you order them because shipping from China is a mess when it comes to customs.

    Step 2 is to find a doctor who will remove your bottom 2 ribs. This will make bending your abdomen easier, allowing your head to reach your loins with ease. Most of the time such doctors can be found working in seedy alleyways selling kidneys they stole off tourists. If you've got enough money they'll do anything.

    Step 3 is to start wearing one of those African neck ring thingies that make your neck longer (like so).
    Wear this for several months before taking it off and your neck will reach truly giraffe-ian heights.

    Finally, in Step 4, when your neck is at the right scale, you've lost some of your ribs, and your ch33p herbal pharmec87icals have arrived, is to put them all together and fellate yourself. Make your first autofellatio a memorable one, though. Light some candles, maybe practice tying knots in cherry stems with your tongue beforehand, put on some light music.

    The fifth step is one that is optional but I highly recommend it. Get your family involved! Have them do the first four steps themselves so you can have familial bonding masturbation sessions.

    [SUB][SUB](or you could just go out and talk to a real girl instead of finding new ways to fap)[/SUB][/SUB]
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  5. Post #5
    Gold Member
    Dr McNinja's Avatar
    July 2007
    2,341 Posts
    I thought about doing that once. I tried it in my state of horniness and couldn't do it. So I finished normally and as soon as I came I instantly had a disgust and regret that I ever could have wanted to suck myself off.
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  6. Post #6
    Blue Member
    Riller's Avatar
    October 2006
    9,626 Posts
    Not worth it. Back hurts like shit if you do it.
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  7. Post #7
    Gold Member
    Kirbyfactor's Avatar
    May 2010
    12,047 Posts
    Just say you want to learn to suck your own dick.
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  8. Post #8
    Gold Member
    SystemGS's Avatar
    June 2007
    2,855 Posts
    technically you're coming to yourself
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