1. Post #161
    Vassinator's Avatar
    October 2011
    54 Posts
    Damn you people got some embarrassing moments. Mine doesn't come close to these but it's worth sharing I guess. So one time, I was in class and we were having a test. Dead quiet, just the sound of people writing and flipping pages. Since I was a bit sick, I had to cough. So I did. Here's the thing though - I was holding in this fart that I just knew was going to be horrible, so when I coughed, it came out as a full force, ass-rippling and incredibly loud fart, for everyone to notice. The whole class just kinda looked at me like "uh..", and then I realized that I hadn't farted. I was still holding in the fart. So I look down under my table like "what the hell was that" to find a piece of inflated gum with a hole in it, poofing out some air. Up to this day I still get weird looks from people that were there.

    Good times.
    I find the most awkward farts are running farts
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  2. Post #162
    Gold Member
    ScreamingGerbil's Avatar
    July 2010
    1,028 Posts
    When my sister and I were in New York on vacation, we saw a homeless guy sitting on a stoop holding a mug. My sister and I approached him with a 20$ bill and dunked it in the man's coffee. He wasn't homeless. My parents stood behind us and they were so embarrassed.
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  3. Post #163
    Noi
    Purrr ~
    Noi's Avatar
    February 2010
    1,150 Posts
    He was speaking Norwegian though, so it might sound different than some may imagine. Apparently living here for 10 years haven't gotten rid of his rusky accent. Hell, even I sound a little Russian, but only when speaking English.
    I'm learning Norwegian... Oooh.
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  4. Post #164
    Gold Member
    Bytecry's Avatar
    February 2010
    5,456 Posts
    Getting the word fetish and craving confused when I was younger.
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  5. Post #165
    Scrounger's Avatar
    September 2010
    28 Posts
    Well, once upon a time, I was at school, with a big test coming, so I decided to lie my way out. I tell my teacher my stomach hurts horribly, and god knows how, I even manage to fake tears. They let me go come, my dad comes after being called by the school, and he says we are going to the doctor.

    I almost shat myself while on the way there. But I said to hell with it, I'll find a way through. So we go there, take some blood, run some tests. Everything okay. So the doctor asks me " Did someone beat you up, did X happen to you?" so I answear no to all. Eventually he says "Did you hit your balls?". So I ponder for a second, thinking he'll just gimme some painkillers and that's that, and say yes, someone hit me in the balls with a football.

    The next thing? On my way to get a cat-scan. On my dick. Basically, they rubbed some paste on my dick, and then they put it on my wiener and dick. Bear with me, this was at the time when I first discovered erections and fapping, so I was super excitable.

    TLDR: I pretend I have a tummy ache, get to doctor, tell doctor I hurt my balls, they give my dick a cat-scan.
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  6. Post #166
    Glod Menber
    Maximum Mod's Avatar
    June 2008
    4,482 Posts
    When my sister and I were in New York on vacation, we saw a homeless guy sitting on a stoop holding a mug. My sister and I approached him with a 20$ bill and dunked it in the man's coffee. He wasn't homeless. My parents stood behind us and they were so embarrassed.
    Holy shit my sides are turning into goop
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  7. Post #167
    Dennab
    July 2009
    2,257 Posts
    Holy shit my sides are turning into goop
    You should go to the Emergency Room.
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  8. Post #168
    Gold Member
    ZeekyPoe's Avatar
    May 2006
    1,203 Posts
    About a month ago I was hanging out with a big group of my friends. I had been crushing on one of the girls there for a while. She had a boyfriend, but she was extremely flirty with a couple of us anyway. So one of my friends decides to get a tattoo, I sit on a couch in the parlor. Suddenly my crush decides to sit in my lap (she was really flirty). I start going all red-faced and hot under the collar (girls don't touch me much, I have no idea how to handle it).
    She says "wow you're getting really hot."
    Being a dumbass I say "yeah well you're really hot."
    Mentally slap myself across the face. Spend the next ten minutes trying to prevent an erection the size of Florida and fail miserably. She says nothing.
    Until a few minutes later when she mumbles "I can feel your penis."
    My brain goes into meltdown mode, all logic is going out the window, I'm stammering for some excuse, for some reason I say: "No, that's a stick of dynamite. You caught me, I was going to blow up the mall."
    She laughed and said she was just joking, then continued sitting there for a good half hour.


    Last week I was making a deposit into my account. In the drive-thru at my bank they have this little tube with a plastic box to put money and deposit slips in. I put my stuff in, eager to get back home to spend it all on the Steam Summer Sale. The woman says something over the microphone and I lean in to ask her to repeat.
    She does.
    I didn't hear again.
    Three tries later, I understand that I have to push the box up the tube. Finally do that, get the receipt back. Start driving off blasting embarrassing music when I realize I still have the box in my lap. Blank-faced, I drive back through the bank. The woman and both cars on my left and right are staring at me as I put the box back and speed off into the sunset.
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  9. Post #169

    July 2012
    20 Posts
    I accidentally set my whole hand on fire; after accidentally getting it soaked in zippo fluid truk g to a burn picture we found of this fat ugly girl who worked at the gas station across the road. my friend kept leaving it in random places I would find like my pillow and shit so I was finally like that's it! Doused it in zippo fluid, unaware not really thinking ( yes we were all drunk) and first goes the photo an woosh goes my othe hand; right at the kitchen sink no less. (dumb idea 2) instead of turning on the water I panic and to dashing outside where these two chicks (friends) with a flaming photo in one hand my other hand on fire and look at each one for a second before "arghhhh!" dropping photo, waving hand which just made the flame bigger before finally patting it out. I have endured some painful things but feeling your skin on fire is by far the most escrutiating pain I've ever felt. one trip to the ER, a jab of morphine to the hip and a bottle of hydrocodone later, with 2nd degree burns I was good. It bubbled up like a guy from scary movie 2 with the gross hand so I had fun chasing friends, trying to touch them saying "take my strong hand!" but yeah... That was 7 years ago, and I dont drink and play with flammable liquids anymore xD
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  10. Post #170
    Honesty's Avatar
    January 2011
    1,663 Posts
    I have never been able to pronounce my R-s and W-s correctly


    The amount of times people laugh at me when I end up saying something like "I'm weady" :c
    english is a broken language with pronunciations that hate you

    it's okay, it's not your fault
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  11. Post #171
    Gold Member
    Cone's Avatar
    August 2011
    18,637 Posts
    it didn't happen to me, but when I was younger my step-brother would often retort to the simplest thing by saying "you X Y". so if I said "it's a nice day today", he'd say "you're a nice day today".

    so I walk into the kitchen one day as my mum's cooking and I say "something smells nice in here", and of course he says "you smell nice".

    it took him a second to catch on, but it was pretty obvious once he did because he yelled "WAIT FUCK" and his face went bright red.
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  12. Post #172
    Roll a d100, 99? Deary me...
    cyclocius's Avatar
    January 2009
    8,366 Posts
    Picture this, March. 2nd Friday of the month, I was at University with my mates, out for the night. Somehow I pulled, I was psyched. I was about to lose my virginity. I mean, I'd be shit and all that, but I'd come out a better man. Right? Right! We got back to hers and got down to it, I rubber'd up and slipped in. At this moment, with a slightly smug grin, I noticed a lot of pictures about her room of her and a guy. A boyfriend? Fuck.

    "This'll make Jamie so jealous" she murmured. I stutter;
    "Jamie? Your boyfriend?" She seems to have realised what she said, I pulled out, trousers on, shoes on and out. Fuck I'd been used for petty revenge sex. That really cheapened the whole night. I still had a condom on. I went home, still a bit drunk.

    My halls were around the corner, someone stepped onto the pavement. Hoodie up;
    "Good night?" He asked, sounded spanish I reckoned. I stopped and thought, long and hard as only a drunkard can. Summed it up with a shrug. He stepped towards me and pulled out a knife, short, about 5 inches. Fuck I was getting mugged. This night had got a lot worse.

    "Let's see your pockets" I turned them out, my wallet was in my back pocket with my keys and phone. He didn't know that. Mark - 1, Pedro the mugger - 0. A 50 pence piece fell on the floor. I watched it bounce and roll, spinning in a circle. "You can have that" I said as I ran across the street, round the corner and into halls. My heart was racing, I decided to sleep.

    Technically only one person was around to witness my humiliation, but it's hardly the best night I've had at Uni.
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  13. Post #173
    Gold Member
    Dennab
    June 2009
    6,496 Posts
    He stepped towards me and pulled out a knife, short, about 5 inches. Fuck I was getting mugged. This night had got a lot worse.
    this is why I carry a second wallet with chucky cheeses tokens in it

    I haven't been mugged yet and I don't think there's ever been a mugging in my area but I cannot wait
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  14. Post #174
    ask me for a rust key :~)
    LordCrypto's Avatar
    December 2008
    18,136 Posts
    this is why I carry a second wallet with chucky cheeses tokens in it

    I haven't been mugged yet and I don't think there's ever been a mugging in my area but I cannot wait
    monopoly money too?
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  15. Post #175
    Gold Member
    Guy Mannly's Avatar
    April 2010
    3,090 Posts
    yesterday i was in a psychology lecture and my prof got onto the subject of brain surgery. i wear my heart on my sleeve and it's basically impossible for me to fake an emotion. i also don't take well to hearing about physical injuries etc and the whole time the class was talking i was fidgeting in my seat and started sweating a bit. i had a stuffed animal i had brought for a presentation and ended up hugging it tightly while my teacher talked about how brain surgery is usually performed with the patient conscious. after a few minutes i had to stand up and leave the room because i was on the verge of crying, and stood in the hallway for about 5 minutes trying to calm down before returning to class. i'm pretty sure everyone turned around and looked at me when i walked back cleaning the lenses of my glasses with the edge of my shirt
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  16. Post #176
    KommradKommisar's Avatar
    August 2009
    12,391 Posts
    I hate to tell you man, but you sound like a huge wuss.
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  17. Post #177

    July 2012
    20 Posts
    Back when I was 19 I was dating this really hot 18yo girl from HS who was babysitting this family friends troublesome 10 yo kid, this was back when were typical highschoolers in that experimental stage, fucking while stoned, drunk on stolen booze from mom and dad cabinet, and I would awlays sneak over there and wed have sex in the parents king bed, well one time we were getting into it threw her on the bed she took her shirt off while i her shorts off tossed them across the room, took there cute little baby blue gstring kinda see through, had a little pink paw print on the front which I planned to keep as my triumph, she told I could. When we were almost done we heard something coming from the the closet, we ignored it but then got this weird feeling like being watche, the closet door which was open, she could a swore was closed earlier before we did this, and as I realized it the fucking boy had been in the closet watching the whole thing when thought he was in his room; totally caught by surprise i was like are u kidding me get out! He ran out quickly, closing the door, saying sorry. And not only was it too awkward and just weird after that knowing he had been watching us, even weirder kinda pissing me off, knowing that for my eyes only, some curious 10yo perv saw my 18 up gf pretty much completely nude, we couldn't concentrate enough to finish! And when
    She was trying to find her clothes, we never could find the panties I wanted to keep... Awkward, embarassing and a perfectly good night ruined god! So yeah the rest of the time we flinched everytime the doorbell rang scared as hell the boy told his parents and they called the cops or the parents found the underwear in their bedroom that we could never find, raising questions wtf was she in out bedroom.It was a bad summer, total cock block ugh so yeah... Had a hard time confessing this.
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  18. Post #178
    Gold Member
    Guy Mannly's Avatar
    April 2010
    3,090 Posts
    I hate to tell you man, but you sound like a huge wuss.
    i am. i'm also female, i like to think it's not so weird for me to hold a stuffed animal or cry
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  19. Post #179
    KommradKommisar's Avatar
    August 2009
    12,391 Posts
    i am. i'm also female, i like to think it's not so weird for me to hold a stuffed animal or cry
    Talk about embarrassing moments D:
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  20. Post #180
    I bought this title for 1 dollar
    titopei's Avatar
    April 2009
    8,424 Posts
    this is why I carry a second wallet with chucky cheeses tokens in it

    I haven't been mugged yet and I don't think there's ever been a mugging in my area but I cannot wait
    I want to do that now. Just hand them a walled thick with tokens and monopoly money, and then run away while he looks at it. My wallet lights on fire when I open it so maybe I could make him laugh enough to not mug me.
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  21. Post #181
    riceyrice's Avatar
    September 2010
    1,254 Posts
    Most of the times, when I yawn, I end up burping also. Very awkward when I expect a yawn in class and a little burp comes out.
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  22. Post #182
    Gold Member
    BananaFoam's Avatar
    January 2010
    4,713 Posts
    Okay, one time I had decided to ride home on the bus. It was 7th Grade and by that time my older brother had some cool friends who lived down the street, and one could legally drive, so he gave us lifts home (though that was mostly so we could all hang out after school)

    Well one day I rode home on the bus instead, but my brother rode with his friends. I got home earlier and I was alone, so I decided I would prank "call" him when he gets home (I wasn't actually calling him, our phones just have an "intercom" where you can call another handset in the house)
    I heard a car pull up and went to the phone. I waited a little bit and then called the kitchen, which is near the garage entrance to our house.
    Now me and my brother jokingly call each other names. Though the names are quite harsh, it's all in good humor, just the way two brothers would act.
    So when he picks up the phone, I say "Hey fuckface!"
    The other end says "What did you just call me?" And I quickly realize my dad was the one who had arrived.
    Thankfully, my dad is pretty cool, so he let me off the hook, but man was that an awkward night.
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  23. Post #183
    There's only one person in this whole world like you. And people can like you exactly as you are.
    Lambda 217's Avatar
    March 2008
    4,432 Posts
    yesterday i was in a psychology lecture and my prof got onto the subject of brain surgery. i wear my heart on my sleeve and it's basically impossible for me to fake an emotion. i also don't take well to hearing about physical injuries etc and the whole time the class was talking i was fidgeting in my seat and started sweating a bit. i had a stuffed animal i had brought for a presentation and ended up hugging it tightly while my teacher talked about how brain surgery is usually performed with the patient conscious. after a few minutes i had to stand up and leave the room because i was on the verge of crying, and stood in the hallway for about 5 minutes trying to calm down before returning to class. i'm pretty sure everyone turned around and looked at me when i walked back cleaning the lenses of my glasses with the edge of my shirt
    That's an unfortunate choice of username then.
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  24. Post #184
    Shane Alvarado's Avatar
    September 2011
    1,033 Posts
    Does getting rejected by the same girl twice count?

    How are we still good friends? Isn't that against the rules?
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  25. Post #185
    Japancakes's Avatar
    April 2011
    671 Posts
    My freshman year of math class, during the whole 'Friday - Rebecca Black' phenomenon, I downloaded it to my iPod as a joke and played it to annoy my friends as a joke. Well I occasionally brought it with me because listening to music helps pass the time when you hate everyone and don't talk to people. Well the LAST PERIOD OF THE DAY, during the break time I took my iPod out and listened to it because our teacher was late. When class starts I unplug my headphones and get ready to take the math test. The omniscients did not smile upon me, and my near skin tight jeans apparently unlocked my iPod, and then I shook my leg because the movement helps me think, and it shuffled to Friday on full blast. The teacher looks at me funny and the whole class starts bursting out laughing. I am red in the face, slipping on my iPod with my sweaty fingers from all the embarrassment. Took me a good few tries to turn it off. Feels bad man.
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  26. Post #186
    someguywithagun's Avatar
    January 2010
    420 Posts
    I was once airsofting and some idiot decided to try and fire his pistol sideways, i immediately yelled at him from across the field that he was shooting like an African. I shit you not, the only black guy that played at that field was in the cover next to me and just looked at me entirely serous and asked "What did you just say?" stood up out of cover and walked towards me looking REALLY pissed off. I apologized for like 10 minutes before he decided to mention that he was joking. Half the guys there laughed at me for that one.
    Medschool shenanigans: A patient is awake for brain surgery and is covered in a cowl and so that he doesn't get a brain infection. The attending resident (who is an old family friend who told me this) is like wrist deep in this guys head when one of the professors who taught there (he was a crotchety old bastard that liked to fuck with interns and residents alike) walks in the room and, without realizing the patient is awake yells "YOU'RE FUCKING UP THAT GUYS BRAIN!" Needless to say the patient yells "oh god what the shits happening?" Anyways, the professor was fired due to this and our resident friend went on to become a neurologist.
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  27. Post #187
    Character's Avatar
    April 2011
    781 Posts
    You should go to the Emergency Room.
    They should also rub some paste on his dick.

    Just to be sure.
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  28. Post #188
    Gold Member
    Guy Mannly's Avatar
    April 2010
    3,090 Posts
    That's an unfortunate choice of username then.
    supposed to be misleading. i generally avoid disclosing my gender online, but facepunch's community generally doesn't overreact to that sort of thing so i don't really care here.
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  29. Post #189
    Lmao Pics Authority Jesus
    Dennab
    February 2012
    8,769 Posts
    so the setting is Math class. Grade 10 year.

    We just got a test handed back

    "Ha! That was the easiest test I've ever written. Easiest 90 I ever got." I proudly exclaimed.
    I turned behind to revel in my success, and asked the girl behind me. Let's call her... Shannon.
    "Easiest test ever, right, Shannon? You'd have to be pretty fucking retarded to fail that."
    After a moments silence, Shannon responds with
    "I failed that test."
    ...Words were lost on me. Not a moment ago, I had pretty much called her retarded.

    Later, salt got poured in when I discovered Shannon has learning disabilities or something.

    I called someone with learning disabilities retarded, right to her face.

    Shannon and I never spoke again.

    Shannon, for the record, I'm sorry about that.
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  30. Post #190
    Kabstrac's Avatar
    April 2012
    3,300 Posts
    so the setting is Math class. Grade 10 year.

    We just got a test handed back

    "Ha! That was the easiest test I've ever written. Easiest 90 I ever got." I proudly exclaimed.
    I turned behind to revel in my success, and asked the girl behind me. Let's call her... Shannon.
    "Easiest test ever, right, Shannon? You'd have to be pretty fucking retarded to fail that."
    After a moments silence, Shannon responds with
    "I failed that test."
    ...Words were lost on me. Not a moment ago, I had pretty much called her retarded.

    Later, salt got poured in when I discovered Shannon has learning disabilities or something.

    I called someone with learning disabilities retarded, right to her face.

    Shannon and I never spoke again.

    Shannon, for the record, I'm sorry about that.
    Damn, like an ice-pick
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  31. Post #191
    Character's Avatar
    April 2011
    781 Posts
    "Ha! That was the easiest test I've ever written. Easiest 90 I ever got." I proudly exclaimed.
    "Easiest test ever, right, Shannon? You'd have to be pretty fucking retarded to fail that."
    You sound somewhat like a douche.
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  32. Post #192
    Gold Member
    Guy Mannly's Avatar
    April 2010
    3,090 Posts
    You sound somewhat like a douche.
    i get the feeling he won't be making those sorts of comments to people he doesn't know well in the future
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  33. Post #193
    Lmao Pics Authority Jesus
    Dennab
    February 2012
    8,769 Posts
    You sound somewhat like a douche.
    ..It was legitimately really, really, really fucking easy.

    I was young! And cocky. I generally don't do well on tests. I needed to revel in the moment.

    Edited:

    i get the feeling he won't be making those sorts of comments to people he doesn't know well in the future
    The horrible feeling I was left with after unintentionally mocking Shannon has led me to think twice before discussing academics before
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  34. Post #194
    Character's Avatar
    April 2011
    781 Posts
    ..It was legitimately really, really, really fucking easy.

    I was young! And cocky. I generally don't do well on tests. I needed to revel in the moment.
    Still, you just looked at your test and shouted
    "HAH, LOOK HOW FUCKING WELL I DID"
    to no one in particular.
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  35. Post #195
    Lmao Pics Authority Jesus
    Dennab
    February 2012
    8,769 Posts
    Still, you just looked at your test and shouted
    "HAH, LOOK HOW FUCKING WELL I DID"
    to no one in particular.
    well... yeah. But it was like one time.

    You're making me feel like more of a dick than I already do man :s
    or woman

    I feel pretty fucking shitty about it.
    And I did not shout. There was no shouting.
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  36. Post #196
    fantafuzz's Avatar
    February 2008
    1,782 Posts
    so the setting is Math class. Grade 10 year.

    We just got a test handed back

    "Ha! That was the easiest test I've ever written. Easiest 90 I ever got." I proudly exclaimed.
    I turned behind to revel in my success, and asked the girl behind me. Let's call her... Shannon.
    "Easiest test ever, right, Shannon? You'd have to be pretty fucking retarded to fail that."
    After a moments silence, Shannon responds with
    "I failed that test."
    ...Words were lost on me. Not a moment ago, I had pretty much called her retarded.

    Later, salt got poured in when I discovered Shannon has learning disabilities or something.

    I called someone with learning disabilities retarded, right to her face.

    Shannon and I never spoke again.

    Shannon, for the record, I'm sorry about that.
    I did that as well once in year 10... I had gotten a 6 (Best grade in Norway) on a test, along with a couple of my friends who also were super happy, and i said:

    "Ha, whats the deal with getting tests made for retards?"

    Then this weird guy who we were not really friends with, but he hung out with us, said that he got a 2 on it (Second to worst grade, you kinda have to really fail a test to get a 2). I felt so incredibly bad, and it was just silence in the group the rest of the time...
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  37. Post #197
    Gold Member
    Guy Mannly's Avatar
    April 2010
    3,090 Posts
    oh, also, there's the fact that i walked into class 10 mins late carrying a bird and wearing a half-assed bf skinner costume. found out later that my presentation was actually next monday

    (and dressing up was extra credit so i was the only person in the class who actually did it)
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  38. Post #198
    Gold Member
    WheelyBins's Avatar
    October 2011
    370 Posts
    Oh man I remember my parents telling me that when I was a toddler I began taking a dump in a Blockbuster store when they put me down to check out a few movies. I stood rock-solid and perfectly still in that corner of the store, refusing to be picked up while suddenly screaming and moaning something like "HNNNNNGGGG", while people began to freak out and ask if there was something horribly wrong with me judging from my bright red face and poop moans echoing through the blockbuster. My parents apparently weren't able to pick me up until I was done. Oh man I'm so glad I was too young to remember that, too bad my parents were not
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  39. Post #199
    Goodthief's Avatar
    December 2009
    5,965 Posts
    I have this shit on home video so there's no escaping it. Basically when I was a kid and had recently graduated from the diaper phase my parents decided to take me to the dead sea for a week or so. We checked into the room and proceeded to unpack our bags, while my parents were doing that I felt something moving in my jeans, I went fucking mental and started running around the room screaming, my parents however were laughing their asses off, after a while I looked down and as it turns out I was running away from my own shit.
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  40. Post #200
    Gold Member
    Lord of Ears's Avatar
    January 2007
    8,179 Posts
    The next thing? On my way to get a cat-scan. On my dick. Basically, they rubbed some paste on my dick, and then they put it on my wiener and dick. Bear with me, this was at the time when I first discovered erections and fapping, so I was super excitable.
    TLDR you got a free handy with lube
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