19th August 2012
Thaddeus Styles: The Death of Hercules
“Alright so there’s this Chinese guy right?” Thad said looking over across the cup holders and hand brake of the nearly destroyed van.
Kyle, smiling returns his gaze, “Right”
“And he walks into this bar and a porch monkey is bartending, so as amused by this black man’s business as we would be the Chinese man walks up there and is all like ‘Hey nigger, get me a drink’.
“Now obviously, the nigger is offended and he expresses this by replying ‘Hey man, fuck you, what if I walked into your bar and said that to you?’ the Chinese man replies ‘I don’t know, lets find out’ so they switch places and the Chinese guy is bartending while the nigger wants a drink. The nigger walks up to the bar and says ‘Hey chink, get me a drink’ and the chink says ‘I’m sorry, we don’t serve niggers here’.”
Kyle started cracking up, being Chinese the joke tickled his tummy possibly more than it would have a white man’s. In the slums, there was only the occasional, irreparably retarded Civil Protection officer walking around otherwise they came in packs of threes and fours. One of the irreparably retarded CPs walked by the van, saw them sitting there and begged to question their seating arrangement.
“Citizens, what are you doing in this vehicle?”
Thaddeus, amused, looked over sliding his right hand down between the car seat and the console, “We’re going to get my grandmother from the nursing home, they’ve been beating her ruthlessly with barbed, tobasco-laden dildos.”
“What did you just say?”
“Cheese?”, Thaddeus squinted hard, spat with his lips together amused as could be, pulling a USP from between the console and the car seat, drawing the gun on the CP while he attempted desperately to draw his stunstick or anything that would help him. It was too late, as he touched his pistol Thad’s pistol barked four loud, short blasts and on his back he fell to accumulate blood and artificial fluids.
“Oh man. Did you see that? He actually said it.”
Kyle was in a state of panic, trying desperately to open the jammed door but he knew that it wouldn’t open because he climbed in through the driver door, allowing Thaddeus to sit there while he opted for the passenger seat. He wanted to escape what would probably be a terrible situation. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“YOU JUST SHOT A FUCKING OFFICER, DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKED WE ARE IF WE GET CAUGHT!?”
“RELAX! Jesus Henry Christ, come on man, I never get caught.”
“You just got out of jail.”
“For pissing in public! Who gives a fuck?”
As Kyle started to climb out the window, Thaddeus’ smile disappeared and an expression of disappointment and ire swept his face. He lifted his legs from the gas and brake and started to kick him in the ass as he attempted desperately to escape as he shouted “Well get the fuck out then you chink pussyfooting bastard.”
Kyle was replying with some “Fuck yous” and “Fuck offs” and then the Judgment Waiver sounded off and broke some eardrums. Kyle was essentially pissing himself when he heard the sound. “OH MY FUCKING GOD THEY KNOW WHERE WE ARE, THEY’RE GONNA FUCKING KILL US!”
Thad, disappointed in the silliness and general pussyfootery of his new companion saw that his new companion was no longer worth keeping as a companion and if he was to die, Thad figured it’d be best if he did it himself because if the Civil Protection saw how much of a pitiful little yellow prick he was they’d torture him until fecal matter fell from his ass. So Thad, being the gentleman he was raised his pistol and fired a good shot into the head of his former companion. Looking down, sighing for his disappearance he heard the CPs heading his way. Leaving the van and jumping on a bicycle that lacked tires he wobbled to a start and started pushing as hard as he could down on the petals and with a few seconds passage the gunfire started as did he singing.
“HE’S GOING THE DISTANCE, HE’S GOING FOR SPEED, SHE’S ALL ALONE
“ALL ALONE IN HER TIME OF NEED; AND HES FIGHTING, BITING AND RIDING ON HIS HORSE MOTHERFUCKERS, THIS IS MY STEED!”
As he started to bob his head to wailing, awful sound of his own singing he did his best to ride in a straight line knowing if he were to turn he’d eat it. Turning a corner and taking a round through the earlobe he screamed. “FOR SPEE— AGHHGHHHHH FUCK YOU GOD DAMM—” and hitting the ground he was quiet for a moment before getting up and sprinting like a Kenyan trying to catch a genie that would make him white. Panting, huffing and breathing hard he jumped, gripped and pulled himself into a dumpster and did his best to shut up with all the noise and heavy breathing and as he waited he faintly heard the stomping boots of the officers. The sound grew louder and they passed, all spare one. One smart CP.
“Keep going, I’m going to check this dumpster.”
He couldn’t rustle too much, but either way this guy was gonna peak in. So he did what any great man would do, he farted and screamed “NO MEANS NO!” while wildly firing his pistol in the direction of the face peaking in. One shot hit the metal faceplate of the CP and he wailed, screeched and tried desperately to gain his composure as he aimed and fired at the dumpster. After nine shots Thaddeus popped up and over shooting once again into the CPs chest as the other came running back. Pulling a lighter from his pocket he grabbed a garbage bag filled with paper, ripped it open and set fire to it. As the boots grew louder once again he threw it out in the direction opposite of which he came and jump out, running again from whence he came.
“OH FUCK, OH FUCK, OH FUCK, OH FUCK, OH FUCK!” he shouted with enthusiasm and despair, turning a corner he again was struck by a pistol round in the lower lower left part of his torso and as he ran he felt blood pouring out and his cramp became something of otherworldly pain. Perturbed, angered and prepared to die he loaded his last magazine into his USP, turned and sprayed seven rounds into the quickly approaching opposition. Two of the three went down and the last one shouted, “I know who you are, citizen!”
“THEN YOU MUST KNOW THAT I AM ZEUS, MASTER OF THUNDER.” jumping from around the corner he met his pursuer face to face as he attempted to come around the corner to attack him. They bumped into each other, looked at each other for a moment before Thaddeus bull-tackled him through the abdomen, slamming the butt of his pistol into the neck piece of the CPs armor. The CP in response reached for his pistol that dropped upon being tackled, realizing this Thaddeus put the pistol to the chest of the CP and fired twice. Panting, allowing himself to drop and rest on the body of the fallen he realized someone was watching him. It was Kyle.
“YOU FUCKING SHOT MY SCALP HALF OFF YOU DIRTY PIECE OF —” and he fired again, killing Kyle, terrified.
“You must be Hercules. It’s too bad I had to kill my own son.”
Thaddeus Styles: Let’s Get it On
“We have to take out the patrol, I have an axe, he has a pipe, there is a plan, we can do this.” the Russian spoke.
The three others of the group that weren’t Thaddeus nodded, he looked to space distracted by his thoughts. The only female of the group asked, “But how do we know we won’t get caught or shot?”
“We don’t. We’ll just have to trust in the divine. We’ll have to depend on humanity. They said the Soviet Union would not fall but they did.”
“You remember Y2K? I was in a basement in Vermont waiting for planes to fall out of the sky, piss drunk for five hours. You know, it was a real disappointment. I was ready to be a cannibal, ready to defecate in a field, ready to fight desperate families for their food and nubile, delicious, sexy children.”
A great silence fell over the group, eyes slowly turned to look at the man who said quite possibly the most disturbing and irrelevant things that these innocent ears had ever heard; well all spare the Russian. Russians are dirty, psychotic, sex maniacs.
“Do you belong here?” the woman asked with a look of disgust across her face.
Thaddeus grinned, “Yes. This is actually my apartment, I just told the Ruskie here that y’all could use it.”
“I think you should leave.”
Now, we all know what Thaddeus is thinking: Is this bitch fo’real? Did she just attempt to banish me from my own home?, Thaddeus is also from Texas, I mean fuck back home we could shoot you if you were trespassing…oh yeah. I don’t think we need a scientist to tell us that he shot her in the face. The others stood in shock, the sound of the gunshot made someone fall to their ass. The Russian, not bothered by Thad’s ruthless actions attempted to tackle him and for a moment he was successful. Thaddeus shot the other two while wildly firing his pistol in their direction; five rounds were spent leaving this Russian who was now sitting up to start battering Thaddeus in the face. He did, in fact, batter Thaddeus in the face and that’s when the CPs started busting the door down.
“Do you want a malcompliance citation?”
The Russian looked up, stunned, suddenly scared got off of Thaddeus and ran to the axe he had hidden behind the couch. The two CPs drew their weapons and fired into him repeatedly as Thad drew his pistol up to fire a shot into the first CP and two into the second. Sitting up, wiping blood from his nose he got two magazines from a small hole in the couch’s upholstery before sprinting out to the hall and through the door that connected the 45th Apartments to the overpass.
The Judgment Waiver, as always, sounded off and Thaddeus found himself wading through a bunch of people who were all carrying some form of handheld makeshift club. Turning he realized that there was an actual uprising about to occur in the wake of poor planning for one by four other jackasses. He was delighted and joined them, moving to the back of the crowd so they could go down as cannon fodder once the response team arrived.
He looked to some black guy who was carrying a two by four and asked “Hey dawg, you want some fried chicken with that rebellion?”
He didn’t hear him, this angered Thaddeus.
“HEY NIGGER WHO LET YOU JOIN THE PROUD WHITE MARCH OF DISAGREEMENT?”
This nigger was a sport and laughed, literally shrugged it off causing his afro to shake and kept marching towards the door of the 45th apartments. Under them a gaggle of around thirty citizens bum rushed a two man patrol. Gunfire sounded off and soon ended with the loud screeching of Civil Protection officers. Thaddeus tried for him again once inside of the 45th. “You’d think you’d be happy with being fed everyday, its not different than what we used to understand as welfare.”
The nigger, undisturbed as ever smiled at him, drew his own pistol and shot a woman in the back of the head. Thaddeus was enraged, he had met his black counterpart. “Did you just smile at me and kill somebody in response to my racist and derogatory advances?”
“Yes I did?”
So they stopped off at the Thad’s apartment as the people cried over the woman’s body, looked for the assailant, and screamed “CPs are shooting us from the lower level!” it was a sad sight. Once inside the black man started to take his clothes off; Thaddeus realized he was not a fudge packer and reneged on his offer. “How about we just sing some Marvin Gaye together?”
“That sounds even better.”
“Before we do, whats your name?”
“I’ve been really tryin baby…”
“Tryin’a hold back this feeling for sooo long.”
“and if you feel, like I feel baby, lets get it onnnnn”
“LEEEEETS GET IT ON!”
From downstairs gunfire started to thunder against their singing, so they sang louder.
“WE’RE ALL SENSITIVE PEOPLE, WITH SO MUCH TO GIVE”
“UNDERSTAND ME SUGAR.”
“I’M GOING TO FUCK YOU WHITE BOY”
“THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH ME LOVIN YOUUUU— wait what?” At this point, Thaddeus realized he had made an awful mistake. He put his pistol down and as he realized this, he realized that this nigger was six foot two and had tattoos he recognized from Harris County Jail. His booty was in danger.
“I might push you baby” the nigger whispered as he charged at Thaddeus, getting him on the same ground he was tackled to no more than ten minutes earlier. The nigger struggled with Thaddeus, flipping Thaddeus onto his stomach, Thaddeus was clawing at the ground trying to get away when he felt a hard black cock starting to push against his thighs.
He heard, “Come on baby!” as an arm went around his neck. Thaddeus reached around to grab hair and he indeed felt the ‘fro of his soon-to-be rapist; ripping and pulling as hard as he could he could hear the grunting and anger of the nigger above him. The arm released his neck and as Thaddeus pushed his body up, pulling his pants up being that they’d been partially pulled off; a heavy fist hit him in the side of the head, knocking him to the ground. Thaddeus turned to the nigger on the ground and kicked him square in the balls and said “THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!”
With a sadistic hatred in his eyes he got up, his ears ringing from the hard hit to the head and tackled the black man while putting his hands over his crotch, fumbling to find testicles. The nigger struggled and flipped Thaddeus off right as his testicles were viced in Thad’s hard grip. A guttural wail escaped the mouth of the black man and he in a panic started punching, pounding down and thrashing at Thad’s arm. Eventually Thad did let up but was on his feet, running to the kitchen counter to his pistol, spinning one hundred eighty degrees as he leaped inside the kitchen he landed and fired three rounds into Xavier. Once done, two CPs again ran into his apartment to see two dead CPs and five dead citizens. They looked at the bloodshed, the horror and the death not noticing Thad behind the counter who was keeping his mouth open to avoid having his breathing heard.
“Do you hear that?” one asked the other.
“Oh fuck this.”
The other turned, raising his pistol, “Yeah I hear it.”
Thaddeus jumped up from behind the counter and fired two rounds into one, firing one shot into the other. Pulling the trigger again he heard an awful sound.
The CP sliding down the wall was still alive, he held his stomach and raised his pistol. Thaddeus threw his pistol, hard as he could hitting the CP square in the head. Vaulting the counter and leaping he aimed his feet for the chest and bent his knees as he took flight. The impact knocked the wind out of the CP, Thaddeus landed, got up and started viciously kicking the CP in the neck. As the CP hurt and recovered from the blows Thad pulled his stunstick from his belt and proceeded to beat the ever living piss and shit out of his face plate sending electric charges through the CPs body with each strike. Panting, bleeding and scared as he had ever been in that city he looked at the nigger and continued his rampage by destroying what was once Xavier’s face.
He stopped, knelt over Xavier’s body and held him in his aching arms, “I loved you.”
Thaddeus Styles: Thor
“Thaddeus was well known for his wit, his girthy eight inch cock, his six pack and the way he balanced those qualities with his holocaust victim build. Back when, fucking was the greatest distraction from the proper way of life if you fucked enough and it didn’t get boring. You had to romp with a chick that knew her place basically, she had to love cum. If she loved your cum and couldn’t sit still at the vocally reinforced thought of it, she was a keeper. Screw what terrible music she listened to, fuck her ridiculous siblings and may the gods damn every single poster of a Hollywood icon she decided to hang up. Fuck it all. It was her pussy, her company and her affection. Kaela was her name. Good Lord. I mean I really—”
“You realize you started talking in third person and just started speaking in first person?”
Thaddeus looked up to the shit-for-teeth smart ass and pulled his USP out, shooting him in the face and quickly shouting “OLLIE OLLIE OXEN-FREE!”
More shooting ensued.
As did the Judgment Waiver.
The place he was drinking at was in the City 45 slums by the plaza. Gunfire in the slums meant some one had a gun and it wasn’t the Civil Protection being that they typically overlooked that part of town. On certain occasions they looked right at it with the fist of an angry god prepared to divinely annihilate everything in that tight little spot. So Thaddeus was running away.
Running out the door he leaped onto a dumpster and hopped the wall, achieving an uncomfortable controlled landing before bolting into the park as the judgment waiver siren wailed as loud as helicopters hovering over your head. The little legion of pistol waving angry ants went running past the fencing, a couple checked around the park quickly.
Thaddeus lie under the merry-go-round praying that no CP was merry enough to go round because they would not go round. Then the merry would go away and they’d fucking shoot him. Jesus.
Cheese and Christians. The fuck do I do.
“He’s not here, they think that he’s barricaded himself in one of the studio apartments. Get a breach and a clamp ready.”
FUCKING SHIT. Wait the studio apar—
Suddenly, a ruckus.
“—Roger that. He—”
“THEY’VE GOT WEAPONS!”
Gunfire ruckus, some woman is screaming Bloody Mary and the Immigrant Song by Led Zeppelin started firmly booming from the thin walls of the economic building structures wherefore the ruckus originated.
Thaddeus knew that he had to come crawling out of the fucking hole. I mean Jesus, Zeus and Buddhafuckingcombo we have to know when to admit defeat. So he crawled, slowly, breathing with his mouth open as wide as his fist trying his hardest to be discreet. It was then his intention to run the fuck away until this dude with a loyalist armband and a stick came by.
Thaddeus knew what this meant.
Drawing his pistol he shot him in the leg as soon as he could though as his opponent saw him drawing he ran. Thaddeus shot him in the leg, bringing him down for a generous moment.
His opponent remarked that he was atheist.
“Pray to Thor.”
But I’m not a theistic person.
“Thor isn’t a theistic person.”
This made Thaddeus think…
pulling the trigger his opponent went down at the pop of a gun barrel. “I loved you.”
Thaddeus was drunk. This should now be mentioned, in fact he was so drunk he was having a chemical flashback about how drunk he got one time at a library in his hometown of the Clear Lake Region in Texas by Houston. That’s a really long explanation isn’t it?
A Civil Protection officer followed him.
“Is there anyone around?”
A New York accent asked.
Turning around they left Thaddeus to his piss festered pants and mud-covered body. He crawled out holding his pistol up to shoot anyone who revealed themselves to him. No one came up as he stood. He started to a sprint and made it around the corner.
A Civil Protection unit stood guard with an MP7.
So Thaddeus quickly hopped on a foot, shooting his pistol wildly while in a paranoid shock. The CP went down and shouting,
“Jesus H. Fucking Henry Christ!”
He was startled basically. So everyone was really crazy up in that studio apartment, wild raving, the Immigrant Song was a quarter through its play and gunfire complimented it’s erratic but sexy beats.
Thaddeus jumped and started to run over the corpse of his foe, truly fucked up from the whiskey and reefer. He had made enough food to keep himself fed for the week and enough tokens and alcohol to last him a month. His entire store was gone and he had to re-up.
But fuck it, now he’s in the plaza.
He walked as fast as he could without seeming too suspicious with his devoted speed. Making into the CCH he went to 2B and sat down on his red couch. He lit a joint and settled in tight and the girl with perfect tits came out with a beer.
It was actually a fat Russian bastard who was holding a foil fold of meth and an M38 Mosin Nagant.
“You do not know how great it is to be me!” he bellowed.
Thaddeus was amused.
“OH REALLY? Well, I should ask. Do you know who I am?”
“No. You’re not important enough for me to know”
Thaddeus smiled, pulling an ice hammer out of the belt loop of his pants. “I’m Thor.”
With that, he felt honored to smash a little square portion of his brain in.
He sat. He ate the old, cold ramen that was on the stove from earlier that morning. He was stoned. He was at peace.
The body of his victim farted in death and Thad passed out.
19th August 2012
Beautifal, 10/10, excellent storyline, likeable characters, and a whimzical read for the whole family.
19th August 2012
19th August 2012
Is there sex-stuff in this story? I won't read it until I know.
20th August 2012
29th August 2012
29th August 2012
The last line was beautiful.
29th August 2012
Yes, morbid flatulence does indeed affect the soul.