I've been creating a co-op mod that requires some custom cores and in order to create my own I've been browsing the .nut files and I've found a GOLDMINE of unused lines and jokes from all-over the game - some just one liners, others entire SCENES that were cut from the final game - the most exciting I've found is (really want to stress that you might not want to hear this) where Chell and Glados meet Cave Johnson as an AI box.
I'd like to stress that I don't know if this is late or not, but I've not seen any of this around the official thread so I'll post it here. I've used my best discretion when spoiler tagging things but if you want to be really safe then don't read this at all (there's always the chance that Valve will re-use a few of the jokes for later DLCs (though it seems like the big scene won't make it in because of how the storyline turned out).
Oh - and ofcourse if you've not played Portal 2 - it'd be best if you didn't read any of this!
Here are the unused Cave Johnson Lines:
Now, the lab boys were adamant that I do not give you any hints on these tests. To be honest, they think I'm spoiling the results just by talking to you. Hizenstein Uncertainty Principles and so forth. I’ll give ‘em something more practical to be uncertain about. Their next paycheck.
Anyway, overruled. If you think I'm affecting your decisions, in any way, don’t be afraid to speak up. I’m not made of glass.
That reminds me: Caroline, Do we have a wing made out of glass yet?
Let's get on that, Caroline.
Cave Johnson again. Just a heads-up: this next test’s dangerous. So if you get hurt, there’s a first aid station close by.
Oh! Unless you’re participating in the double blind emergency treatment experiment. Then it’s just placebo first aid.
Hold on, lemme check what test this is for… [pages flipping] Uh huh. Uh huh. No sir. I wouldn’t bother with it.
Caroline, do you think anyone’s gonna make it this far? Should I even bother making a message? What? Yes, I know how to turn it off. No, I don't want to turn it off... Alright, I feel like turning it off now.
Well, as a wise man once said, “there’s nothing to fear but fear itself and maybe some mild to moderate jellification of bones.” Besides, to borrow from the voodoo sham known as “psychiatry,” it sounds to me like these eggheads are partaking in what they’d call “projection.”
I'm no psychiatrist, but coming from a bunch of eggheads who wouldn’t recognize the thrill of danger if it walked up and snapped their little pink bras, that sounds like "projection".
I'm no psychiatrist, but coming from a bunch of eggheads who never did anything more brave than boil some manganese - whatever the hell that accomplishes - that sounds like what they'd call "projection”.
I'm no psychiatrist, but coming from a bunch of eggheads who never did anything more brave than read a big book – except for Greg who fought a bear once, but he’s not the point here – that sounds like what they'd call "projection”.
THEY didn’t fly into space, storm a beach, or bring back the gold. No sir, we did! It's you and me against the world, son! I like your grit! Hustle could use some work, though. Now let’s solve this thing!
Alright. Too much jawing, not enough testing. Let’s get some science done.
Yes, you. Fired. Box. Your stuff. Out the front door. Parking lot. Car. Goodbye.
Caroline, follow him out. Make sure he doesn’t cry all over the carpet.
Congratulations! You made it through. The simple fact that you’re standing here listening to me means you’ve made a glorious contribution to science. You’re a national hero. We're going to take your picture, so stand there and smile.
Unless you were part of the Plaque Removing Deuterium Fluoride Laser test, in which case you might want to do us all a favor and keep your mouth closed until the bleeding stops.
And don't worry: If you're one of our DNA test subjects, and you've got a hand for a face or whatnot, we’ll photograph you from the neck down.
As founder and CEO of Aperture Science, I thank you for your participation and hope we can count on you for another round of tests.
We’re planning some wonderful stuff with time travel. So if you never liked your father, why not come on back and try being him?
We’re not gonna release this stuff into the wild until it’s good and damn ready, so as long as you keep yourself in top physical form, there’ll always be a limo waiting for you.
Say goodbye, Caroline.
She is a gem.
So, you might be wondering: why you? Simply: Human test subjects get better scientific results than animals.
Why? For one, your tramps, lunatics, foundlings, what-have-you, can bring problem-solving ability to test environments with a facility that shames lower ruminants.
For another, you have thumbs.
[sigh] Caroline, has it really come to this?
Damn it, you’re right. Damn good science, too. We’re not out of this race yet, Caroline.
Once you’ve gathered your things, grab a compensation voucher, good for 60 dollars worth of stuff from the Aperture Science gift shop. Please only touch items you plan on purchasing. Thanks to the IRS and our patent-stealing competitors, there are parking meters in Duluth that earn more money than we do lately. So there’s no room in the budget to wash coffee mugs that you pick up and then decide not to buy.
Caroline, put some extra security in the gift shop to make sure no one decides to take a nap in the t-shirt displays.
When you’re making some great science, it helps to keep a positive attitude. Look at Marie Curie. Invented radiology. Won two Nobel prizes. Dumb as a bag of hammers. Thought the light radiation gave off was pretty, walked around with it in bottles. Buried her with a smile on her face.
Let me tell you about a fella. Lived thousands of years ago. Only wanted folks to be a little nicer to each other. And in the end, he sacrificed himself to save us all. You know who I’m talking about: Hercules.
GENERAL CHATTER (1950s - 1980s)
Once upon a time there was a scorpion and a frog. The scorpion tells the frog “When I say ‘jump’ I don’t want to hear ‘how high?’ That means you’re not jumping!” Then the frog says “It’s my nature!” Well, be that as it may, we have a lot of tests to do and you are taking a long time on these catwalks and, yes, I broke out of the parable somewhere back there. But the point stands that you need to put some muscle back into your hustle, son.
You might have noticed some safety warnings on the walls. Ignore ‘em. I keep telling the Bean Counters danger’s just a natural part of science, but boy they don’t want to hear it. Like telling a paradox to a robot – makes their heads explode.
That last test may have made your skeleton magnetic. I don’t know how. But if I were you, I wouldn’t stand next to any sheet metal.
Just a quick heads-up. If you suddenly find yourself able to excrete spider silk out of your fingers or the base of your spine, let one of the test associates know, cause that’s actually important.
The gel in this next test is probably going to make all of your skin solar-powered. Upside is, you’re not gonna get hungry. Ever. So if you were worried about your waistline, get this: You won’t be able to eat food even if you wanted to.
This next test involves molecular dynamics. You’re gonna breathe in a bunch of tiny little robots, and they’re gonna optimize your DNA strands. Exciting stuff. Maybe nothing’ll happen. Or maybe you’ll have a big crab hand by the end of the test, or ten foot legs. It’s up to them. Trust me, I’m as anxious as you are to see how this plays out.
The gel in this next test’s gonna recalibrate your molecular whatsamacallits, blah blah blah. Bottom line is, you won’t need to go to the bathroom anymore. Your body’s just gonna process it up like anything else. Side effect might be that everything you eat from now on tastes like urine, though.
If you’re not a fan of the cartilage in your body, you are gonna love what this next test might do for you. Honestly, cartilage is like adenoids, or a second kidney. Body doesn’t want it, you don’t need it. Good riddance.
Ever wondered what a parallel universe you might be like? Well, stop wondering, because you’re just Hitler. Every parallel universe ever. You. Hitler. We can’t figure it out. Anyway, if you meet him in the next test, don’t kill him. I know, I know. But trust me, it’d be bad.
We’re gonna try and collapse three-dimensional space in this next test. We’re not gonna tell you when. Just give us a holler if everything starts looking flat.
While you’re completing this next test, we’re gonna test out a new device and see if we can read your thoughts. Don’t let it throw you. Just give us a nod if we’re getting close.
You’re thinking about tungsten. Tungsten or zinc. Give us a wave if we nailed it.
You’re thinking about the electrolytic production of hydrogen. How close is that?
You’re thinking about the color green. Greenish blue.
You might be wondering how I’m guessing what you’re thinking through a pre-recorded message. The answer: volume. I recorded a message for every word in the English language. Also: you are thinking about bib lettuce. Tell me I’m wrong.
You’re still thinking about tungsten. I don’t blame you. It’s fascinating.
Hey, Caroline. I think he’s thinking about you!
Photosynthesis. That or fudge. The bacteria inside fudge. Nod your head if I’m getting close.
We’re gonna bombard you with a few rays in this next test. Nothing to be concerned about. We’re looking for bacterial contamination and inflammatory disease in your bowels. We put enough pathogens in the waiting room coffee to give diarrhea to an aircraft carrier, so if we don’t spot ‘em, I don’t know what to tell you.
This next test might sunburn your eyes a little. Ask a test associate for some sunscreen you can put on your retinas if you think your eyes aren’t man enough to handle it.
Bonus test within a test in this next test: we hid a photon somewhere in here. You find it, it’s twenty grand in your pocket. You can keep the photon, too.
The human body contains trace amounts of a whole hell of a lot of elements it doesn’t even seem to need. Copper, lead, silicon, cobalt, magnesium, carbon, oxygen. This next test, we’re gonna hit you with some microwaves and boil the worthless elements right out of you. Current hypothesis is it’s not even gonna break your stride. Honestly, what the hell has cobalt ever done for you? Good riddance.
With your help, we might eradicate heart and lung disease with this next test. Full disclosure: we’re going to achieve that by trying as hard as we can to make your heart and lungs stop working, then pump you full of some medicine we’ve been working on. Footnote to the disclosure: You’re incredibly brave and we’re proud of you.
Alright, this next test, I had to fight really hard for. None of the eggheads thought it was safe enough. Did you? Ha. Caroline, watch this.
You, stand next to him. You with the big head, over there. That’s right, all in a line against the wall. Okay, here we go.
You’re fired you’re fired you’re fired you’re fired you’re fired.
Don’t eyeball me, son.
Don’t snow me. I know an eyeball when I see one. It’s not good, wholesome eye-looking and I won’t stand for it. Eyeballs shouldn’t judge. They just send the information up for the brain to deal with. That’s the job. Get your eyes fixed, son.
Caroline. Make appointments with all my engineers for eye surgery.
Sign me up for it, too. From now on, everybody’s doing their eye-looking properly.
For this next test, we’ll be firing a few isotopes at your eyes to improve your night vision. If you feel a throbbing behind your eyes, that’s normal and should subside within a few hours. If you feel a pecking behind your eyes, that means a small bird got in there. We don’t know how it happens, but we’re working on it.
How do you feel about your feet? Like ‘em? Good, because if this next test works, you’ll have five of ‘em.
For this next test, you’ll be helping us solve the problem of male pattern baldness. If it works, you’re gonna start growing lush, new hair instantly. Downside: teeth hair.
You want to keep stealing my patents? Fine! This is war. Science war. The sweet science.
You will cry into your evil black satin pillows about the day you messed with Cave Johnson!
You hear me? I invented portals! I can put a doorway on the moon and another into your parking lot! Let’s see how many patents you steal when you’re floating around in outer space, you—
What? Right. I know. Felt like having it on. How can… you tell?
Fantastic. Good business. And if I wanted to turn it off—
Good, good. Glad it was on. On purpose. And if I wanted to turn it off—
Bam. Right. Good stuff, I like it. Let’s keep the switch. That’ll be all, Caroline.
Caroline, hold my calls. I need to go see a man about a mule.
What was that?
Alright. Good. Mule. Gonna go see him in the bathroom. Back in ten.
CAVE JOHNSON CUBE SCENE (???)
Cave: Greetings, friend. It's Cave Johnson, CEO of Aperture Science.
Cave: Down here! [pause] On the floor.
Cave: That's right! It's really me. My entire living consciousness, for all eternity, inside a machine.
Cave: Alone. On a dirty floor. In an abandoned room. At the bottom of a pit.
Cave: My life is torture, please kill me.
Glados: We don't have time for this.
Cave: Hold on. Is that you, Caroline?
Glados: Yes SIR, Mister Johnson! I'll have that report on your desk by four–thirty! [normal voice, horrified] What. In the hell. Was THAT.
Cave: You were my assistant! The heart and soul of Aperture Science! You don't remember?
Glados: No, Mister Johnson. I DON'T.
Cave: See, the science boys invented me a machine to house my consciousness in. But that sounded DANGEROUS, so I volunteered you to go first.
Like a food taster, except with your soul! [chuckling] Guess they must've found a use for you after all. Oh! Which reminds me. I do need you both to kill me.
Cave: Come on, be a sport and kill me. All you gotta do is pick me up.
Cave: Plug's in the back of me. Give me a good pull, it should pop right out.
Cave: Now, before you say no, I want you to remember that I've lived a full life. Also, if this helps seal the deal, livin' in a computer this long's made me crazy. That's right: I am insane.
Glados: I said we'll do it.
Cave: Wait. I suppose tellin' you I'm not in my right mind could sway you to not unplugging me. Let me round back on the important parts: in a computer. Ceaseless torture. Monster in the eyes of god. So why don't you get on over here and unplug ol' Cave.
Glados: If you don't unplug him, I will.
//Called when the player kills the Cave cube
Cave: Ho ho! I can feel myself shuttin' down. Man, this is excitin'!
Glados: Maybe we can stand on him to climb up.
Cave: Oh! Room's gettin' dark. That's a good sign.
I'm comin' for you, Caroline!
Glados: Mister Johnson? You need to shut up.
Cave: Here I go! The great beyond! Valhalla, home of Hercules! I can hear them winged chariots thunderin' over now!
//Called if player lingers after using the Cave corpse to escape
Glados: Goodbye, sir. May whatever tests await you on the other side either support or disprove your hypotheses.
Cave: Thank you, Caroline.
Cave: Alright! Too much jawin', not enough dyin'. Here I go! Ah.
//Called if player lingers after using the Cave corpse to escape
Glados: I'd... appreciate it... if we never... EVER talked about that... ever again.
Glados during Act 2 testing
Oh. Did I accidentally fizzle that before you could complete the test? I'm sorry.
Go ahead and grab another one so that it won't also fizzle and you won't look stupid again.
Go ahead. I PROMISE not to fizzle it this time.
Oh. No. I fizzled that one too.
Oh well. We have warehouses FULL of the things. Absolutely worthless. I'm happy to get rid of them.
Go ahead. This time I promise you'll look incrementally less stupid than the previous two times in which you looked incredibly stupid.
I think that one was about to say "I love you." They ARE sentient, of course. We just have a LOT of them.
Glados and Wheatley during the escape
(Wheatley does the entire scene in the American accent)
Wheatley: Whoa! Hey! Don't fall!Glados: Don't listen to him: Jump
Wheatley: Hold on. Run back the other way! I'll turn the bridges back on!
Glados: What are you two doing?
Wheatley: Get to the catwalk behind me, and we'll go shut her down for good.
Glados: Oh. It seems kind of silly to point this out, since you're running around plotting to destroy me. But I think we're done testing. Do hear that? That's the sound of the neurotoxin emitters emitting neurotoxin.
Wheatley: Stay casual when I tell you this: I think I smell neurotoxin.
Glados: Look - I CAN hear you.
Wheatley: Oh God! Oh, don't need to do that anymore. The jig is up, RUN!
Glados and Wheatley during the stalemate resolution phase
(As she's being dragged into the pit)
GLaDOS: GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! NO! NO! STOP!
CHELL! STOP THIS! I AM YOUR MOTHER!
ALRIGHT, FINE! THAT'S NOT TRUE!
BUT IT COULD BEEEEEAAHHH!
(After she's turned into a potato battery)
Wheatley: There! See? I'm huge, you're trapped and she's a potato! who's a moron now?
Glados: Still you.
Wheatley: How about now? now who's a moron?
Glados: Still you. You're still a moron.
Wheatley: NOW WHO'S A MORON?
Glados: If you weren't such a moron, you'd know who.
Wheatley: I AM NOT A MORON!
Glados throughout Act 3 (the underground sections).
I think I hear the bird! Pick me up!
Listen to me. We had a lot of fun testing and antagonizing each other, and, yes, sometimes it went too far. But we're off the clock now. It's just us talking. Like regular people. And this is no joke - we are in deep trouble
I was so bored, I actually read the entire literary canon of the human race. Ugh. I hope YOU didn't write any of them.
Maybe I didn't appreciate the subtleties of human literature the first time. Let me try again. [beep] No. It didn't get any better.
I just realized why I don't like human literature. Not enough omniscient AI characters administering neurotoxin. [beep] There, I rewrote them. They're all good now.
I made you a character in Hamlet. You're the court jester that gets hit by a neurotoxin truck in Act One. All the other characters laugh. So you're famous now.
You need to put me back in my body. I know this sounds like a trick. In fact, I can unconditionally guarantee you that at any other time it would be a trick. But if you don't let me stop the damage your friend is doing, this facility is going to explode. [distant rumble] Soon.
Let's make a deal. If you get me back in my body... I'll... let... you... go.
I want to make this clear: I'm not promising to stop testing humans. I'm just promising to stop testing on you. So long as you leave and never. Come. Back.
When the white paint gets turned on for the first time.
Wait. I HEARD about this. We discontinued it after all the test subjects kept escaping.
So...WE know about this. He doesn't
Oh, I am good. [chuckling evilly] Sorry. It's hard to just turn that off.
There is ALOT of stuff - I'll slowly be updating this page with all the dialogue (I started with the Cave Johnson stuff because it seems like the largest source of unused dialogue.
Oh and if you want to check any of this then just look in portal 2\portal2\scripts\vscripts\choreo - this is all in there.