1. Post #1
    Ask me about Dullahans
    Hawt Koffee's Avatar
    November 2009
    2,122 Posts


    Ok with the influx of new players we're seeing a lot of potential competition and great players but aside from those particular few there are a LOT of really stupid/uneducated players. So list some funny quotes or general dumb shit you hear ingame.

    First person to screencap a kid claiming an enemy uber is a GOD MODE HAX wins the entire thread.



    HALL OF FAME - Funniest bits go here

    Here's two quotes from another forum

    Why, oh why did this become free.
    I was just in a server where people are reporting me for hacking; they didn't know what a "Wrangler" was and called burning lazer hacks.
    I HATE VALVE SO MUCH NOW.
    A similar thing happened to me, except they said I made their vision yellow with hacks or something similar. It was jarate
    "Whose the bitch who just told me I fail? go back to the kitchen"

    I may be underestimating this kid but I believe he thought the announcer was a player.
    >Coaching guy
    >Tell him to do a lot of things to improve
    >He only listens to "Go Heavy", "Aim", "Fire"
    >He fires all his bullets at the calender.
    C&D spy in the corner of 2fort. Engy just built all 4 buildings next to eachother at level 1 and didn't realise they could be upgraded.
    I was disguised as an engineer, and every time he used a voice command, I used the same one.
    He thought he was lagging and disconnected, making getting the intel very easy since he was the only engy there
    watching engineers not whack their sentries while they're building and just standing there staring at it is extremely painful, by the way.
    It's even better sapping their crap and watching them stare at it.
    I was on a server when somebody asked if lowering the graphics settings will make the game go at better perfomance
    We ended up convincing him lowering mouse sensitivity will make the game go smoother
    Not really mine, but it seems to be highly relevant to what you'd see in CS:S or CoD.


    In the meantime, I wonder how long it'll take for the server plugins to give the option to kick out free players and keep the premium players in.
    Soldier Newbie pressed G to "drop" his rocket launcher and "get" a fallen minigun from a dead Heavy.
    -Why the hell I'm dancing(taunt),I want to get the minigun!

    Too much Counter Strike...


    Please be a troll...
    This kid just spent the entire game bitching about how to you had to pay to get all the good weapons and then loudly announcing that he was going back to Combat Arms before leaving.

    Why.
    "hey guys how do i throw this spy knife thing?"


    And then the player was a knife
    Noob - "How do u find wepons?"

    Me - "Tap your heels together 3 times."

    Another Guy - "and say there is no place like home"

    Noob - "Yea fuckin funy"
    Do I even have to explain:

    Edited:

    That isn't even a useful place to be a heavy.



    On the good side of F2P, I gave some dupes to a friend of mine who started playing.
    Speaking of spies.
    wazzer5300: build a century here i wanna go and fight
    Oh god, these f2pers. I asked why one guy wasnt calling for medic:

    "I didn't want to bother him."

    :unsmith:
    Some bastard was making fun of my dad's skills as I walked in my dads office.
    I joined my dad, and went medieval on that guy.
    Playing spy has never been easier.

    valve tf2 server #1 is the best
    Dustbowl 2 defence. Entire enemy team is composed of F2P's. After being horribly murdered by a level 3 sentry gun out in the open and once the round has ended








    SOLVING THE PROBLEM
    This can easily resolve itself within a good month or 2, but here's a quick guide to helping these kids get into one of the most contrasting shooters of all time.

    Step 1 - Find a F2Per worthy of your advice
    * They ask for help politely, with proper spelling/grammar/punctuation/etc - YES they have potential
    * They scream their tiny little brains out accusing everyone of HAX left right and centre - NO they're not worth the time

    Step 2 - PICK UP COACHING
    Yes we know the system is shitty right now but pull it off and you could see yourself with a new pair of glasses! *provided your students purchase a premium account and label you most helpful*

    Step 3 - give them the answers/advice straightforward and simple even if the question is kind of vague, after all they're just confused.
    Q: "Why does the sniper rifle have a charge meter?"
    A: "It's designed to prevent people from quick scoping/snap shooting/no scoping other players so it doesn't become the strongest close range weapon in the game"

    NoNameForEvil has the right idea!
    Guy: "How do I double jump as Scout?"
    Me: "Press Space twice."
    Guy: "OK, thanks!"


    This is how you should act, not being a dick GUYS.
    as long as you can put it into words they can understand, your golden.

    Step 4 - Encourage good play style
    Are they shartting up their experience by trying a hard class like Spy? convince them to try an easier class like Scout or Pyro *some may disagree but eh*
    If they continue to do well reward them with praise, that's why Valve put the "You beat/came close to beating your previous best" tracker in the game in the first place.
    and If you have a bunch of Dupes lying around and are feeling generous, award them an Item for their favourite class if they continue to display good play habits and behavior.


    Please help me add to this guide so we can make Team Fortress 2 a better experience for them and us.

    Also
    THE BEST GAMERS ARE TROLLS, ALWAYS HAVE BEEN, ALWAYS WILL BE. DON'T GET UPSET, JUST MOVE ALONG.
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  2. Post #2
    Skela's Avatar
    September 2010
    1,021 Posts
    A new player started complaining about how he could not headshot no-scoped.
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  3. Post #3
    Gold Member
    Samiam22's Avatar
    January 2008
    6,861 Posts
    "Why is the Heavy in the army hat so strong?"

    I was a Heavy with a Tomislav and a Team Captain hat (which he probably thought was the army hat) and I was on complete killing sprees on the other team on cp_dustbowl with the help of two medics. Of course a Heavy is going to be strong assisted by two medics.
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  4. Post #4
    I'M AN AUSSIE FAGGOT
    HyperTails's Avatar
    December 2008
    23,962 Posts
    I had someone on a 2fort server before going nuts about the Medic class.

    "WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE CAN HEAL THAT'S FUCKING IDIOTTTTIC"
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  5. Post #5
    Gold Member
    Eeshton's Avatar
    October 2010
    9,925 Posts
    TBH, the servers I play on aren't Valve so I don't have to worry about most of these kids, except the occasional wanderer who somehow manages to direct himself to the "Find Servers" button
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  6. Post #6
    Gold Member
    SGTNAPALM's Avatar
    October 2007
    28,206 Posts
    I had someone on a 2fort server before going nuts about the Medic class.

    "WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE CAN HEAL THAT'S FUCKING IDIOTTTTIC"
    I want to challenge that guy to a duel. He can go his favorite combat class, and I will go Medic.
    I guarantee I would win.
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  7. Post #7
    Gold Member
    MiKaXsUs's Avatar
    June 2009
    7,912 Posts
    A kid mentioned few mins ago:

    Me: I'm charged, let's go!
    Him: JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (Hoovie)
    Noobish kid on mic: OMFG, WAI IZ MEDICK ON FIER?!

    He tried to extinguish us and died from a spy backstab due to not having bursts left
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  8. Post #8
    Slithersoul's Avatar
    March 2010
    3,684 Posts
    When I used Dead Ringer:
    "WHAT THE FK I JUST KILLED THAT SPY!!!! HE HAX"
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  9. Post #9
    Tyrannosaur Fisherman Extraordinaire (Not Game Fish)
    Pie_Tony's Avatar
    May 2009
    5,246 Posts
    so all this Fresh meat is on valve servers is it?

    I'll have to go look in a few just to see them all be in awe at me sparkling.
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  10. Post #10
    Gold Member
    MiKaXsUs's Avatar
    June 2009
    7,912 Posts
    so all this Fresh meat is on valve servers is it?

    I'll have to go look in a few just to see them all be in awe at me sparkling.
    Try 24/7 ctf_2fort. I found mine there
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  11. Post #11
    I HAVE PHIMOSIS
    Y'all.'s Avatar
    February 2011
    4,638 Posts
    "ARE THERE ANY ASSAULT RIFLES IN THIS GAME"
    "Uh, the sniper has an SMG, thats the closest thing I guess."

    He proceeds to go SMG sniper the rest of the round.

    Edited:

    And does terribly.
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  12. Post #12
    ☆STARGAZER☆
    Gurkenpirat's Avatar
    May 2011
    379 Posts
    I blame CoD.
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  13. Post #13
    Gold Member
    MiKaXsUs's Avatar
    June 2009
    7,912 Posts
    "ARE THERE ANY ASSAULT RIFLES IN THIS GAME"
    "Uh, the sniper has an SMG, thats the closest thing I guess."

    He proceeds to go SMG sniper the rest of the round.

    Edited:

    And does terribly.
    Cod much biatch? I can image COD players trying to no scope people, or give them knife kills...with a throwing spy knife.

    Edited:

    I blame CoD.
    Lovely avatar
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  14. Post #14
    Deviantart Appreciation Station's Finest
    Dennab
    April 2009
    21,969 Posts
    [H2]MOAR HOOVIES LESS MEDIKS!!1!!11[/H2]
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  15. Post #15
    I HAVE PHIMOSIS
    Y'all.'s Avatar
    February 2011
    4,638 Posts
    I could totally imagine these new players running straight up to heavies trying to knife them.
    The thought is just hilarious.
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  16. Post #16
    Gold Member
    MiKaXsUs's Avatar
    June 2009
    7,912 Posts
    I could totally imagine these new players running straight up to heavies trying to knife them.
    The thought is just hilarious.
    Or, asking: WHER IS MAI KNIF? WAI DOEZN'T HEVI GOT KNAIF?
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  17. Post #17
    Ask me about Dullahans
    Hawt Koffee's Avatar
    November 2009
    2,122 Posts
    Or, asking: WHER IS MAI KNIF? WAI DOEZN'T HEVI GOT KNAIF?
    Where's the Melee button?


    THERE IS NONE?
    fuck that how do I use my soldier grenades?
    I CAN'T?
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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  18. Post #18
    Slithersoul's Avatar
    March 2010
    3,684 Posts
    XxXxELITExXxX: OMG WHER IS THE FLAG
    Me: There is a compass at the bottom of the screen that shows you where it is.
    XxXxELITExXxX: THANKS

    -1 minute later-

    XxXxELITExXxX: WTF TURRETS WITH ROCKETS?!? HOW DO I DESTROY IT?!!
    Me: Go spy, he has a sapper
    XxXxELITExXxX: FUCK THAT IMA GO RAMBO ON HIS ASS

    He proceeds to rush into the intel room. As medic. With Needlegun.
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  19. Post #19
    Gold Member
    Ray-The-Sun's Avatar
    December 2007
    11,550 Posts
    Posted this in the F2P thread just before this thread was made, this is a more appropriate place for it.

    Exchange I just had with a F2Per on the Telltale Games lunchtime server
    "LOL I ADMIN OF GAME COMUNITY I BAN U"
    "You know Telltale's a game company, right?"
    "wat"
    And he was hacking. Lovely.
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  20. Post #20
    Gold Member
    NassimO PotatO's Avatar
    October 2010
    2,670 Posts
    A newbie call me a speedhacker with my Equalizer. A classic.
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  21. Post #21
    I HAVE PHIMOSIS
    Y'all.'s Avatar
    February 2011
    4,638 Posts
    Pyro = FIRE HACKS
    Heavy = MINIGUN HACKS
    Everything = HACKS
    HACKS :byodood:
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  22. Post #22
    Deadman Inc.'s Avatar
    March 2011
    163 Posts
    Gentleman, equip your Dead Ringers
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  23. Post #23
    Gold Member
    Elstumpo's Avatar
    September 2008
    2,871 Posts
    We've all seen rambo snipers. With that there smg and occasionally trying to no-scope, maybe even quickscope.
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  24. Post #24
    Gold Member
    MiKaXsUs's Avatar
    June 2009
    7,912 Posts
    Pyro = FIRE HACKS
    Heavy = MINIGUN HACKS
    Everything = HACKS
    HACKS :byodood:
    Spy = FAPBACKAX

    Edited:

    What if we fill a server with a cod noob, all go spies with dead ringers and try to mess with him? Idea? Yes.
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  25. Post #25
    themooselord's Avatar
    November 2010
    1,282 Posts
    Spy = FAPBACKAX

    Edited:

    What if we fill a server with a cod noob, all go spies with dead ringers and try to mess with him? Idea? Yes.
    cloak near them and spam voice commands at them
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  26. Post #26
    Dennab
    April 2010
    13,556 Posts
    Me: Why do you play Heavy with so small teams?
    Him: Because Heavy is pr0 and I am a pr0.

    He had a CoD name.
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  27. Post #27
    Gold Member
    MiKaXsUs's Avatar
    June 2009
    7,912 Posts
    cloak near them and spam voice commands at them
    And that
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  28. Post #28
    Deadman Inc.'s Avatar
    March 2011
    163 Posts
    while wearing Razorback: "OMG! I just stabbed him and he isnt dead! Ban this hacker!"
    ;D
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  29. Post #29
    I once watched a girl get eaten by a horse and it was bad
    Dead Madman's Avatar
    December 2008
    4,774 Posts
    "DIS GAME HAS SHIT GRAPHIICS COMPARED TO COD, IT LOOKS CARTOONY"
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  30. Post #30
    Ask me about Dullahans
    Hawt Koffee's Avatar
    November 2009
    2,122 Posts
    And that
    updating op with a funniest quote/screencap section
    lets star making some kids angry
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  31. Post #31
    Dennab
    April 2010
    13,556 Posts
    Not really a quote, but with all the fresh meat, there's a LOT of Heavies now.
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  32. Post #32
    Gold Member
    little.sparrow's Avatar
    June 2010
    4,318 Posts
    Do stupid actions count?

    If so:

    -Snipers charging head on with the SMG
    -Spies attacking head on with the knife
    -Engineers turtling at the final point being completley useless the entire match
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  33. Post #33
    ☆STARGAZER☆
    Gurkenpirat's Avatar
    May 2011
    379 Posts
    Do stupid actions count?

    If so:

    -Snipers charging head on with the SMG
    -Spies attacking head on with the knife
    -Engineers turtling at the final point being completley useless the entire match
    This happens all the time you know. Even before F2P.
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  34. Post #34
    I HAVE PHIMOSIS
    Y'all.'s Avatar
    February 2011
    4,638 Posts
    Do stupid actions count?

    If so:

    -Snipers charging head on with the SMG
    -Spies attacking head on with the knife
    -Engineers turtling at the final point being completley useless the entire match
    -Engineers not building anything
    "HOW DO BUILD TURRET"
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  35. Post #35
    Gold Member
    little.sparrow's Avatar
    June 2010
    4,318 Posts
    This happens all the time you know. Even before F2P.
    Never seen it intentionally done before besides the useless engineer bit.
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  36. Post #36
    BUY THE BROWN BOMBER
    psyke's Avatar
    February 2011
    7,636 Posts
    iv'e had more fun watching how BAD they are
    i know they are new but it still amuses me

    i went a cloaked kunai spy and heckled an engineer for a good hour. then another brand new engineer turns up. runs into me. can't get past. hits me with the wrench and sees i take damage. does nothing about it. and then i backstab him

    also later on that same engineer tried to shoot the sappers off his sentry. with the shotgun.
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  37. Post #37
    Gold Member
    Smashman's Avatar
    September 2009
    11,898 Posts
    "How do I got bow?"

    Reminded me of "How do I shot web" so much.
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  38. Post #38
    Gold Member
    little.sparrow's Avatar
    June 2010
    4,318 Posts
    But one new player was pretty clever.
    He (a spie) and a scout were firing at me.
    I went after them both, spy ran off, I continued to fight the scout.
    Spy backstabbed me.
    Well played :golfclap:
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  39. Post #39
    I HAVE PHIMOSIS
    Y'all.'s Avatar
    February 2011
    4,638 Posts
    "How do I got bow?"

    Reminded me of "How do I shot web" so much.
    Someone has to make this.
    There has to be a picture of sniper shrugging somewhere.
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  40. Post #40
    Liquidrocks's Avatar
    May 2010
    705 Posts
    We've all seen rambo snipers. With that there smg and occasionally trying to no-scope, maybe even quickscope.
    When I play Sniper I usually go with the SMG because of my bad aim :(
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