1. Post #1
    Gold Member
    joecool's Avatar
    July 2005
    110 Posts
    Someone upvoted my story on reddit and you can too!
    http://redd.it/h7p6a


    It was Friday night in Tokyo and I had just come back from some lame club. Since I’m 20 and the drinking age in Japan is 20, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to equate this to me being royally housed.

    But apparently I was much drunker than I remembered…or didn’t remember. A few days after this heavy night of drinking, I clicked on Oblivion eager to play. But then a message popped up stating “Insert Oblivion disc into drive.” I was confused; I never took the Oblivion disc out since the last time I played it. Or did I?

    As I removed my Radiohead DVD and put the Oblivion disc in, the gears started turning. Did I play Oblivion without me knowing so? When I loaded up the files and saw what was there, the answer was yes.

    But it goes further than that.

    I am a monster!



    The first thing I notice is the gap between my previous files and these two mysterious saves. Almost four hours! What the fuck was I doing? I must’ve been a lot drunker than I thought not to have remembered playing four hours. Guess that explains why I woke up the next morning with no recollection of falling asleep in the first place.

    The Great Hall? I don’t even know where that is. Let’s see what’s going on.



    Okay, well, things look pretty normal here. I’m in some castle. I guess I must’ve picked up something that detects life.

    Then I turn around.



    Uh…nothing is picking up life here. Just recently I became kind of bored with being super powerful and all and started to level up on things like hand to hand just so I could go to the arena and punch minotaur lords in the FACE! But I didn’t think I’d be killing people instead! Maybe I notched the difficulty laughably low…



    Well, it’s not what I usually play at (3/4’s) but it’s still a little bit less than half, which I guess is pretty decent for a blacked out drunk. I probably was using some kick ass weapon.



    What the fcuk? Okay…apparently I used a sigil stone I had sitting around, enchanted this sword I picked up, and drunkenly named it “fcuk you UP!” How appropriate. And what the hell am I wearing? I’m a level 36 character but I look like a reject from the movie A Dungeon Siege Tale. Maybe I got some good armor and shit on…



    I am a master in light armor, so it makes perfect sense that, besides the stolen “Bands of Kwang Lao” (which adds 25 Hand to Hand points, really helpful while brandishing a sword), everything else is heavy armor. It also seems like I’ve stolen a bunch of jewelry from somewhere. Uh-oh. My inventory is full of Blades equipment…



    I am in Bruma. I have no active quests here at all so why am I here? Apparently to kill a shit load of people. Dead guards and citizens are everywhere and it astounds me why I just didn’t equip some of their fallen armor. Did I spare any guards?



    Looks like I WHAT THE FUCK. 99757 coins?! How…in the hell? What did I do, rape all of Bruma? Considering I’m this far in, I kill a few guards and escape to a place that should welcome me with warm arms…



    …except the warm arms have been sliced off and shoved up their respective owners’ asses. After exploring Cloud Temple Ruler, I discover I’ve killed EVERY SINGLE BLADE there. Every last one. I even killed the horses.



    “What have I done?” I ask to myself. With that, I open up my “Accomplishments” tab to check my evil doings:



    Well, 166 murders, that doesn’t seem that horrific. Let me save and load a good file, one I fortunately saved before going on a pillage that would make a Viking tear.



    35 murders! That’s it? Doesn’t seem like that many more…wait…that’s 131 murders in four hours . And I’ve completed the entire Dark Brotherhood quests.

    In 4 four hours, for a guy that’s leveled his character through ninety hours already, I managed to:

    Murder 131 people
    Assault 65 people
    Steal 198 items
    Build up a bounty of 99575 coins
    Build up an infamy of 140 points
    Steal 1 horse (though they don’t account for horse murders)

    All this accomplished from a guy running around on moderate difficulty with equipped armor that goes against my armor skills while being black out drunk.

    Fuck…

    The damage has been done

    After loading back the drunk files, I start wondering where all my Knights of the Nine stuff went to. Sure, after killing two people you’re unable to equip any of its armor, but it doesn’t remove the items from your inventory. Let me check my hometown Chorrol, where I own a massive estate.



    Oh God, looks like I struck here as well. Strange the town’s people are just meandering about, as if five or so dead people lying around is perfectly normal. They start conversing about mudcrabs. I check my estate and my armor is nowhere to be found. The gears start turning again. I can only think of one other place where my armor would be and that’s in the Imperial City, the heart of the Tamriel.

    And it seems that the Nine have shat on the entire city.





    And despite the piles of bodies as if the gates of Oblivion had opened up, killed all of these people, and left because even they thought what they did was fucked up, there’s still people meandering the streets, walking between corpses without a care in the world.





    And yes, that torch was still burning when I got there.

    I have no idea what happened here.



    I will not die a monster!

    After killing a dozen or so guards to get to my shanty shit hole (seriously, out of all the fucking houses in the Imperial City, why can you only buy a house that the three little fucking pigs would laugh at?) I found my actual useful armor in one chest. Now I decided to throw in the towel and serve my time. First, I decide to drop all of the items I stole.



    I have no idea where I got any of these things from especially where I managed to acquire 49 bottles Surilie Brother’s finest (I wonder how it would taste in real life). Hmm. Perhaps this is the reason I dumped all my armor so I can go around carrying an entire wine cellar and a bakery in my pockets.

    So I finally resisted the resisting arrest and got thrown in. After breaking out, I decided I should really stop and serve my time. When I got out, I checked how many days I was in the slammer.



    And then loaded the sober file.



    DEAR FUCKING GOODNESS. After playing through 90 hours, I’ve only managed to get through 203 days in the game. I was in jail for over five times than that! If I wanted to get through that many days, I would, lets see, have to play for 565 hours.

    Fcuk…

    In the end, I was horrified by all my acts, decided to repent, and walk the Way of the Nines to get my Knights armor back…haha, fuck that I’m just going to start from the sober files. But seriously, I regret killing every person in my blacked out rage.

    Except this guy.





    The End
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply United States Show Events Funny x 1683Winner x 115Dumb x 16Disagree x 6Useful x 5Artistic x 5Agree x 5Late x 4Optimistic x 4Friendly x 3Zing x 3Informative x 3Bad Spelling x 2 (list)

  2. Post #2
    Tom_Caster's Avatar
    August 2008
    92 Posts
    A one man killing spree.. Do you need someone to clean your blade?
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Australia Show Events Funny x 120Optimistic x 5Dumb x 2Agree x 2Winner x 2Artistic x 1 (list)

  3. Post #3
    Gold Member
    cheeseburg's Avatar
    May 2005
    214 Posts
    holy shit
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply United States Show Events Agree Agree x 134Artistic Artistic x 2Funny Funny x 1Winner Winner x 1 (list)

  4. Post #4
    Vicinalace's Avatar
    November 2007
    36 Posts
    oh shit this is epic
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Netherlands Show Events Agree x 72Dumb x 5Artistic x 1Disagree x 1Optimistic x 1 (list)

  5. Post #5
    SheikYabouti's Avatar
    August 2008
    13 Posts
    nice work.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Germany Show Events Agree Agree x 21Artistic Artistic x 1Dumb Dumb x 1 (list)

  6. Post #6
    Gold Member
    markg06's Avatar
    September 2006
    11,050 Posts
    This is awesome, you should get wasted and do it again.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply United Kingdom Show Events Agree x 82Funny x 8Artistic x 1Disagree x 1Winner x 1 (list)

  7. Post #7
    Jakehammer's Avatar
    September 2008
    52 Posts
    This makes me want to play Oblivion.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply United Kingdom Show Events Agree x 119Winner x 3Informative x 1Funny x 1Artistic x 1Optimistic x 1 (list)

  8. Post #8
    Gnomie's Avatar
    July 2007
    172 Posts
    Adoring fan fucking deserved it. He's one creepy motherfucker.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Canada Show Events Agree x 60Funny x 4Optimistic x 3Artistic x 1Friendly x 1 (list)

  9. Post #9
    Jakehammer's Avatar
    September 2008
    52 Posts
    STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM!
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply United Kingdom Show Events Agree x 58Funny x 9Friendly x 2Dumb x 2Winner x 2Artistic x 1Disagree x 1Useful x 1Late x 1 (list)

  10. Post #10
    Gold Member
    Dr Nick's Avatar
    November 2007
    3,914 Posts
    I love you.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Canada Show Events Agree x 21Friendly x 9Optimistic x 7Artistic x 1Disagree x 1Informative x 1 (list)

  11. Post #11
    raymastereo's Avatar
    October 2007
    189 Posts
    Epic.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Australia Show Events Agree Agree x 11Dumb Dumb x 5Artistic Artistic x 1 (list)

  12. Post #12
    Gold Member
    TheTalon's Avatar
    June 2008
    20,304 Posts
    @ the last screen

    I doubt you were black out drunk when you killed the Adoring Fan, you'd have to be Black Out Drunk to let him live

    Edit:

    30 Funnies? It wasn't funny, I was being serious!
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply United States Show Events Funny x 249Artistic x 2Agree x 2Bad Reading x 1Friendly x 1Informative x 1 (list)

  13. Post #13
    Caeky's Avatar
    December 2007
    338 Posts
    holy shit
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply United States Show Events Agree Agree x 23Funny Funny x 1 (list)

  14. Post #14
    wow ok
    Teh Zip File's Avatar
    December 2007
    16,448 Posts
    Haha, that's awesome.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply United States Show Events Agree Agree x 5Dumb Dumb x 3Useful Useful x 1Disagree Disagree x 1 (list)

  15. Post #15
    Gold Member
    Fadern's Avatar
    October 2008
    119 Posts
    Good! All i managed to do when i played oblivion was to steal all forks. I really mean ALL the forks.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Sweden Show Events Funny Funny x 99Useful Useful x 4Winner Winner x 3 (list)

  16. Post #16
    Gold Member
    QuikSilv3r's Avatar
    April 2006
    574 Posts
    oh my god THIS THREAD IS AMAZING
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply United Kingdom Show Events Agree Agree x 15Informative Informative x 2Dumb Dumb x 2 (list)

  17. Post #17
    XcoliahX's Avatar
    February 2007
    288 Posts
    Hahaha your e-peen is atleast 200x bigger than mine
    I applaud you sir
    Well done, well done
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply United States Show Events Agree Agree x 13Dumb Dumb x 3Funny Funny x 2 (list)

  18. Post #18
    Voted WORST Gold Member 2012
    Killuah's Avatar
    August 2005
    15,750 Posts
    Epic thread.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Germany Show Events Agree Agree x 9Dumb Dumb x 1Funny Funny x 1 (list)

  19. Post #19
    Extraction Point
    Empty_Shadow's Avatar
    July 2006
    8,302 Posts
    Hahaha, 1000 days in the slammer.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Australia Show Events Agree Agree x 26Funny Funny x 9Bad Spelling Bad Spelling x 1 (list)

  20. Post #20
    Williamsuger's Avatar
    February 2008
    770 Posts
    Fucking awesome.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Sweden Show Events Agree Agree x 2Dumb Dumb x 1 (list)

  21. Post #21
    Gold Member
    Kronos Zul's Avatar
    February 2008
    735 Posts
    Awesome shit.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply United States Show Events Agree Agree x 1Artistic Artistic x 1 (list)

  22. Post #22
    Gold Member
    Resto's Avatar
    September 2007
    1,029 Posts
    Wow. Creepy.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Philippines Show Events Dumb Dumb x 4Disagree Disagree x 1 (list)

  23. Post #23
    Gold Member
    Faren's Avatar
    October 2006
    5,583 Posts
    This is the only reason I would ever get drunk.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Australia Show Events Agree Agree x 40Funny Funny x 6Disagree Disagree x 4Dumb Dumb x 1 (list)

  24. Post #24
    Gold Member
    joecool's Avatar
    July 2005
    110 Posts
    Wow, thanks for the feedback guys!
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply United States Show Events Agree Agree x 2Disagree Disagree x 1 (list)

  25. Post #25
    Gold Member
    Kronos Zul's Avatar
    February 2008
    735 Posts
    I can't even type when I'm drunk.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply United States Show Events Agree Agree x 5Dumb Dumb x 1 (list)

  26. Post #26
    Voted WORST Gold Member 2012
    Killuah's Avatar
    August 2005
    15,750 Posts
    Kronos Zul posted:
    I can't even type when I'm drunk.
    I can't make love when I am drunk.

    Yes, tested.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Germany Show Events Funny x 17Optimistic x 5Agree x 3Friendly x 2Winner x 1Disagree x 1 (list)

  27. Post #27
    MalkSticks's Avatar
    February 2008
    203 Posts
    You just made my day, sir. Thank you.

    *wipes tear from eye*
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Australia Show Events Agree Agree x 9Optimistic Optimistic x 3Dumb Dumb x 1 (list)

  28. Post #28
    Gold Member
    Kronos Zul's Avatar
    February 2008
    735 Posts
    -edit-
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply United States Show Events Dumb Dumb x 4 (list)

  29. Post #29
    Gold Member
    Rosek's Avatar
    September 2006
    2,302 Posts
    :uhoh:
    You monster!
    Anyway awesome thread.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply United Kingdom Show Events Dumb Dumb x 1 (list)

  30. Post #30
    NOXZEMA's Avatar
    October 2008
    5 Posts
    that was the greatest thing i've ever experienced
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Canada Show Events Agree Agree x 2Friendly Friendly x 2 (list)

  31. Post #31
    SheikYabouti's Avatar
    August 2008
    13 Posts
    NOXZEMA posted:
    that was the greatest thing ive ever experienced
    You should really go outside some time.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Germany Show Events Agree Agree x 14Funny Funny x 6Disagree Disagree x 2Dumb Dumb x 2 (list)

  32. Post #32
     
    ijyt's Avatar
    May 2006
    9,040 Posts
    WTF. Really, WTF.
    I even killed the horses.
    Hmm. Perhaps this is the reason I dumped all my armor so I go around carrying an entire wine cellar and a bakery in my pockets.
    Except this guy.
    My favourite parts.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply United Kingdom Show Events Agree Agree x 44Funny Funny x 3 (list)

  33. Post #33
    Gold Member
    ZomBuster's Avatar
    June 2006
    2,001 Posts
    Damn that's awesome.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Netherlands Show Events Agree Agree x 1 (list)

  34. Post #34
    Gold Member
    karimatrix's Avatar
    November 2007
    1,569 Posts
    Oh my god, this is soo awesome...

    4 hours... 995975 coin bounty... 49 bottles of Surillie Brother’s finest wine...
    nothing to do... nothing to lose...
    Joecool in...
    DRUNK MASSACRE FOR ONE PERSON PLEASE!
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Russian Federation Show Events Agree Agree x 11Funny Funny x 3 (list)

  35. Post #35
    Jabberwocky's Avatar
    June 2007
    2,776 Posts
    Heh, I'm surprised that you only had to serve 1000 days considering what you did.

    You are now more dangerous than an entire oblivion invasion. Hats off to you.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Australia Show Events Funny Funny x 42Agree Agree x 1 (list)

  36. Post #36
    Gold Member
    Durza's Avatar
    October 2005
    22 Posts
    Fucking awesome, you sir are my hero.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Australia Show Events Funny Funny x 1 (list)

  37. Post #37
    Gold Member
    benos's Avatar
    October 2008
    5,261 Posts
    Should do a two day drunkfest of Oblivion, see how it goes. Of course I'll be asking you to run your life.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Australia Show Events Agree Agree x 5 (list)

  38. Post #38
    Williamsuger's Avatar
    February 2008
    770 Posts


    The guy in the middle of the pic got a ninja star in his chest :excited:
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply Sweden Show Events Funny Funny x 52Dumb Dumb x 5Agree Agree x 2Zing Zing x 1 (list)

  39. Post #39
    Actually a cool guy
    David29's Avatar
    June 2005
    3,028 Posts
    I am going to do this next time I am really drunk. If I can, I will see if I can remember to record it.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply United Kingdom Show Events Agree Agree x 1 (list)

  40. Post #40
    Gold Member
    joecool's Avatar
    July 2005
    110 Posts
    The problem with this is that you really have to be so drunk that you'll have no recollection of you doing it. Even if you're really hammered you can still sorta do things that you want to do, hence ruining some of the spontaneity. However, it's also very bad to be as drunk as was. At least I got some funny trade off.
    Reply With Quote Edit / Delete Reply United States Show Events Friendly Friendly x 2 (list)