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It was Friday night in Tokyo and I had just come back from some lame club. Since I’m 20 and the drinking age in Japan is 20, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to equate this to me being royally housed.
But apparently I was much drunker than I remembered…or didn’t remember. A few days after this heavy night of drinking, I clicked on Oblivion eager to play. But then a message popped up stating “Insert Oblivion disc into drive.” I was confused; I never took the Oblivion disc out since the last time I played it. Or did I?
As I removed my Radiohead DVD and put the Oblivion disc in, the gears started turning. Did I play Oblivion without me knowing so? When I loaded up the files and saw what was there, the answer was yes.
But it goes further than that.
I am a monster!
The first thing I notice is the gap between my previous files and these two mysterious saves. Almost four hours! What the fuck was I doing? I must’ve been a lot drunker than I thought not to have remembered playing four hours. Guess that explains why I woke up the next morning with no recollection of falling asleep in the first place.
The Great Hall? I don’t even know where that is. Let’s see what’s going on.
Okay, well, things look pretty normal here. I’m in some castle. I guess I must’ve picked up something that detects life.
Then I turn around.
Uh…nothing is picking up life here. Just recently I became kind of bored with being super powerful and all and started to level up on things like hand to hand just so I could go to the arena and punch minotaur lords in the FACE! But I didn’t think I’d be killing people instead! Maybe I notched the difficulty laughably low…
Well, it’s not what I usually play at (3/4’s) but it’s still a little bit less than half, which I guess is pretty decent for a blacked out drunk. I probably was using some kick ass weapon.
What the fcuk? Okay…apparently I used a sigil stone I had sitting around, enchanted this sword I picked up, and drunkenly named it “fcuk you UP!” How appropriate. And what the hell am I wearing? I’m a level 36 character but I look like a reject from the movie A Dungeon Siege Tale. Maybe I got some good armor and shit on…
I am a master in light armor, so it makes perfect sense that, besides the stolen “Bands of Kwang Lao” (which adds 25 Hand to Hand points, really helpful while brandishing a sword), everything else is heavy armor. It also seems like I’ve stolen a bunch of jewelry from somewhere. Uh-oh. My inventory is full of Blades equipment…
I am in Bruma. I have no active quests here at all so why am I here? Apparently to kill a shit load of people. Dead guards and citizens are everywhere and it astounds me why I just didn’t equip some of their fallen armor. Did I spare any guards?
Looks like I WHAT THE FUCK. 99757 coins?! How…in the hell? What did I do, rape all of Bruma? Considering I’m this far in, I kill a few guards and escape to a place that should welcome me with warm arms…
…except the warm arms have been sliced off and shoved up their respective owners’ asses. After exploring Cloud Temple Ruler, I discover I’ve killed EVERY SINGLE BLADE there. Every last one. I even killed the horses.
“What have I done?” I ask to myself. With that, I open up my “Accomplishments” tab to check my evil doings:
Well, 166 murders, that doesn’t seem that horrific. Let me save and load a good file, one I fortunately saved before going on a pillage that would make a Viking tear.
35 murders! That’s it? Doesn’t seem like that many more…wait…that’s 131 murders in four hours . And I’ve completed the entire Dark Brotherhood quests.
In 4 four hours, for a guy that’s leveled his character through ninety hours already, I managed to:
Murder 131 people
Assault 65 people
Steal 198 items
Build up a bounty of 99575 coins
Build up an infamy of 140 points
Steal 1 horse (though they don’t account for horse murders)
All this accomplished from a guy running around on moderate difficulty with equipped armor that goes against my armor skills while being black out drunk.
The damage has been done
After loading back the drunk files, I start wondering where all my Knights of the Nine stuff went to. Sure, after killing two people you’re unable to equip any of its armor, but it doesn’t remove the items from your inventory. Let me check my hometown Chorrol, where I own a massive estate.
Oh God, looks like I struck here as well. Strange the town’s people are just meandering about, as if five or so dead people lying around is perfectly normal. They start conversing about mudcrabs. I check my estate and my armor is nowhere to be found. The gears start turning again. I can only think of one other place where my armor would be and that’s in the Imperial City, the heart of the Tamriel.
And it seems that the Nine have shat on the entire city.
And despite the piles of bodies as if the gates of Oblivion had opened up, killed all of these people, and left because even they thought what they did was fucked up, there’s still people meandering the streets, walking between corpses without a care in the world.
And yes, that torch was still burning when I got there.
I have no idea what happened here.
I will not die a monster!
After killing a dozen or so guards to get to my shanty shit hole (seriously, out of all the fucking houses in the Imperial City, why can you only buy a house that the three little fucking pigs would laugh at?) I found my actual useful armor in one chest. Now I decided to throw in the towel and serve my time. First, I decide to drop all of the items I stole.
I have no idea where I got any of these things from especially where I managed to acquire 49 bottles Surilie Brother’s finest (I wonder how it would taste in real life). Hmm. Perhaps this is the reason I dumped all my armor so I can go around carrying an entire wine cellar and a bakery in my pockets.
So I finally resisted the resisting arrest and got thrown in. After breaking out, I decided I should really stop and serve my time. When I got out, I checked how many days I was in the slammer.
And then loaded the sober file.
DEAR FUCKING GOODNESS. After playing through 90 hours, I’ve only managed to get through 203 days in the game. I was in jail for over five times than that! If I wanted to get through that many days, I would, lets see, have to play for 565 hours.
In the end, I was horrified by all my acts, decided to repent, and walk the Way of the Nines to get my Knights armor back…haha, fuck that I’m just going to start from the sober files. But seriously, I regret killing every person in my blacked out rage.
Except this guy.